Cross Roads
by maggib
Summary: Leaves Pride and Prejudice after Kent. But in Kent a very different love affair began. This is a journal of Darcy's musings and letters as a love triangle unfolds - by the way you can't pick Colonel Fitzwilliam as a character in this fan fiction software - most frustrating
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One:

October 29th, Scotland

It seems ages since I kept a journal but at this moment I am at a loss of what to do with my thoughts. As I child I spilled out my tortured thoughts on pages when my mother died. Later I used my journal to help me find my way when my father died. Now as a man alone I find myself turning to these empty pages again to find solace.

This empty journal was in my writing folio waiting for this moment to be needed. It is an empty canvas for which I may splatter my thoughts. And hopefully I can make sense of my jumbled emotions. If only I could sort out where I have gone wrong. I feel so lost, so lonely and so completely alone. I have a letter from Richard and I have no idea how he came to this place. His news shocks me. Richard has married. And I have no idea who to.

I am traveling. Going home to London. There is that word, home. What does it mean? I have no home. I have houses. The London townhouse is luxurious, grand but empty of joy. Yes, Georgiana is there and sometimes Richard. But Georgiana seems so withdrawn, sad and looks upon me with regret. Pemberley is a vast estate, the jewel of Derbyshire yet no family calls it home. I have many other properties, my estate in Scotland, but none is home.

Home would be where ever Elizabeth resides if only she would love me. If…if I had been a gentleman.

I have just been severely reprimanded for not caring about the feelings of others, again that accusation of being cold and thoughtless. Where those not Elizabeth's words? I believe so. I am taken back in time to that moment when I proposed to Elizabeth. When everything went so horribly wrong.

And I remember vividly her response. "From the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others…and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry."

After her rejection I hid at my estate in Scotland. Admit it, I was drinking, numbing my heart by drowning it in whiskey. I was grieving, angry, and sorrowful. I was pining, feeling sorry for myself, being pathetic. I was shocked awake from my stupor by a letter from my solicitor. Georgiana has requested a meeting to determine if she must remain under my guardianship. She wishes to be left to the sole responsibility of my cousin Richard. What is this about? After everything that I have done for her to treat me like this. I must return to the land of the living. Deal with Georgiana, my properties, my position and responsibilities. I must live. And to live I must have her, Elizabeth. I must have her in my life, as my wife. So I must become a better man. I am returning to London.

Just as we were departing I received yet another letter from Richard. I tucked it into my coat to read as I travelled. After we got underway, I took Richard's letter out and to read. It was dated nine days ago. He had married. It was then that I realized that perhaps I should have been reading my correspondence all these months.

_October 20th_

_Darcy,_

_ You did not come and I am angry. What excuse could you give me for not coming? It was my wedding, the most important day in my life. And in addition, in all your letters there was not one word of approval, not one word of any opinion regarding my decision to marry. I wanted you at my side on this ever so important day. I thought you felt as I do, you are my brother, my best friend. I even delayed the ceremony in hopes that you would come. You did not come. _

_ Georgiana was sure you would come at least for her. Now she will have to remain with my parents while I am on my honeymoon. She will be fine but you know she prefers us. You have been away for six months now. She misses you terribly. She has asked to come and live with me at Sandhurst after my honeymoon. She wishes for a home and family. My wife and I will give that to her._

_ Georgiana also fears that you will not approve of my bride. She fears that you will not allow her to live with us and has asked that I take action to free her of your power over her future. Do you not see how your absence hurts her? Do you not see how your treatment of her, disregard for her feelings and wishes harm her?_

_ My wife listens to her. My wife cares for her. My wife is good for her. How I love writing that phrase, my wife. Georgiana is so very attached to her and she blossoms and grows under my wife's love. Georgiana is healing. She is not the shy paralyzed creature that she once was._

_If it is true that you do not approve of my wife that I pity you. Do anything to hurt either Georgiana's relationship with my wife or my wife and you will face my wrath. Alliances change. My wife and Georgiana come first._

_I hope to see you upon my return. Meet me at Matlock on November 2nd. We need to discuss Georgiana's future. And I would like to know why, why did you not come?_

_Coronel Richard Fitzwilli_am

After reading Richard's letter I asked my valet, Victor, to locate my correspondence from Richard at our next stop. I reveled to Victor that I did not actually read Richard's letters over the last six months. I had just skimmed for news of Georgiana's wellbeing. Typically Richard's opening lines will update me as to my sister. I just threw the letters aside, not reading Richard's drivel. But it seems that I missed some important details for now Richard has married and I don't even know to whom.

That is when Victor had the nerve to inform me that this behavior is just another example of my disregard for the feelings of others. He used Elizabeth's words to scold me. My pride, my arrogance, my selfish disdain for the feelings of others will leave me a lonely hateful man. He actually said that. Victor actually dared to scold me so, and where did he hear those words, Elizabeth's words. According to him I frequently muttered those words in drunken stupor. I have made no progress towards being a better man, one deserving of Elizabeth. I have failed already.

Victor scolded me further saying that if my cousin wrote me than the information imparted was important to my cousin. I should read everything that he writes, that anyone writes out of respect that individual. If Richard took the bother to write it than I should have read it. My letters are packed in my trunks and he will not be getting them down until we reach the inn and only if it is convenient to him.

Victor threatened to leave my service as he wishes to be employed by a gentleman and not a cad. He is lucky I do not dismiss him for his unsolicited scolding. Yet I cannot loose Victor. He has been with me since before I went to college. He was there when my father died. He is my one constant other than Mrs. Reynolds. What a sad state of affairs. My only constants are paid servants. I cannot loose guardianship of Georgiana. Not only because she is all the family that I have but because I believe that Elizabeth will be more apt to consent to be my wife if Georgiana is part of my life. I realize that I have so very little in my life that is of true value. I only have Richard, Georgiana and a handful of paid servants, and Bingley. I cannot forget Bingley.

Victor is absolutely correct. I should have read all that Richard wrote, Georgiana too. I have not attended to the business of my estate, my family. I have only thought of myself. Now everything has changed and I am completely at a loss as to what has happened. Who did Richard marry? I remember no lady that caught his interest.

Victor glares at me from across the carriage. I do need to change. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, and indeed in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt by my parents, who, though good themselves (my father, particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world; to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own.

And now I wish to win the hand, the heart of a woman for whom my fortune means nothing. I cannot win her by luring her with my possessions as I could any other woman of my circle. I can only win her by my love for her. I don't even think that will be enough. I must win her with my actions of care for others. If I cannot care for the feelings of my dear sister and my best friend, my cousin Richard, than I surely will loose her. So I must reconcile with Richard and win the good will of this wife of his.

I have written too much and am tired of this carriage. I think that at the next stop I will ride for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: October 30th, Traveling

Last night Victor refused to get down my trunks to find my letters. It was dark and had started to rain. He informed me that if the weather where to be cooperative he would do so in the morning. I do not blame him. Yet I do not like his attitude. I do not like being held hostage to his threats of leaving my service. Frankly, I would be lost without him. So this morning as I wait for the carriage to be readied, I drink my coffee and think of Elizabeth.

Elizabeth is like a breath of fresh sea air, clear, crisp, invigorating. I simply must have her in my life. She will bring me happiness. Children, joy, her beauty and intelligence, her wit, her smile, her laugh, her love... She will keep me forever entertained. Of course a marriage between us would bring her great advantage, wealth and position. I am well aware that those things are not enough to entice her. She wants a marriage based on love and respect. I do love her. Respect, I do respect her. It is she who does not love or respect me. It is she who I must change. I must make her understand that I am right to be wary of her inferiority. My money and position will overcome that detriment but at what cost? My love for her is so great that I am willing to take on that cost. How do I accomplish this? How do I change her opinion of me? I wonder if my letter made any difference.

The men are ready to leave. I will insist that my letter case be brought down from the trunks.

Now we are on the road and I have retrieved my letter case. Victor knew exactly where it was. I thanked him for his efficiency. The letters are all in order by writer and date receipt and the date of receipt written on the envelope. I have pulled out Richard and Georgiana's letters and shall look through them both.

April 20th,

William,

I am at a loss why you do not stay with me or at least bring me with you on your adventures. You left for Hertfordshire last fall and stayed away for months. You sent me to Matlock for the winter. You left for Kent without me and now Scotland. You only left me a note apprising me of your departure. No good by.

I know that I disappointed you last summer. I know that I am a disappointment to you in so many ways. No young man should be tied to a little girl as you have been. But William, you are all that I have. Richard may have to return to the war, leaving me with his parents. Though I do love Aunt and Uncle, I want to be with you. Oh dear that sounds so selfish.

Please brother, send for me. Please love me again.

Georgiana

Damn, I should have read this letter in more depth. I only heard her disappointment in not being with me and frankly I wanted to be far away from her. Reminders of Wickham and the shame she brought on our family make me ill. Wickham's deception was one of the reason's Elizabeth rejected me. Georgiana's plea only reminds me of how much I need Elizabeth in my life. Surely she knows that my love for her would never falter. I find Richard's first letter.

May 29th

Darcy,

Georgiana is well, enjoying her time with my parents. My mother's dog, that ghastly mongrel has had another litter of puppies and I told Georgiana that she might keep one for herself. She is thrilled.

I was required to return to France for a brief assignment following our trip to Kent. I have returned. However brief the assignment was, it has taken its toll on my body and soul. Hence I have been offered respite. I will be going north to assist another officer with a militia regiment. If the situation is acceptable I will send for Georgiana to have her stay with me. She is desperate for our love, our approval following that situation of last summer. I keep thinking back to Kent. Miss Elizabeth Bennett would be someone that would be so good for our Georgie. Mother says she will keep a close eye on our girl. She will be well.

Richard

Richard is absolutely correct. Elizabeth would be good for Georgiana. The next letter by date is from Richard.

June 5th

Darcy:

Mother says Georgiana is fine. She has a new puppy, a mongrel named Puc. And she is attending to her studies; her music master comes to Matlock. All is well.

I may have mentioned that my last assignment was difficult. I was wounded. I need some time to heal. I shall not be going back to the front for some time. Hence, I have a temporary assignment that has lead me to enjoy the company of some acquaintances of ours. I am in Hertfordshire. A comrade in the militia has some men that need a firm hand, which I can offer. And he has some men that he would like me to consider for my battalion.

Guess whom I came upon? George Wickham. He has fallen under my command. Is that not poetic justice? I immediately started investigating what he was up to and surprise, surprise; he has been up to no good. I have found that he has incurred huge depts. The town of Meryton alone has many shopkeepers in dire straights due to his bad credit. Plus gambling debts and loans from other officers adding up to enormous amounts. So after speaking to some of the elders in the community and Coronel Forester I have taken it upon myself to rid us of Wickham once and for all. Not a moment to soon.

I have purchased his debts, all of them that I can find. Not just here in Hertfordshire but also London, Kent and Derbyshire. It is enough but in addition I have affidavits from many fathers attesting to his ruin of their daughters. Wickham is to be transported. And that is not all, he is to be flogged. I do not mean to be a callus man, but it gives me great joy to think of his suffering.

He caused one last bit of trouble that grieves me. If only I had gotten here sooner to prevent this tragedy. There is a girl in Meryton that he was less than a gentleman with. And this girl is none other than Lydia Bennett. Do you remember Miss Elizabeth Bennett from our visit to Rosings? Lydia is her sister. Miss Elizabeth was desperate to rescue her sister and she herself fell into great danger. I came upon Wickham placing his hands upon her, upon Elizabeth. I took great delight in pounding my fist into his face and would have killed him if it had not been for her. Miss Elizabeth actually pulled me off of him. Wickham then had the nerve to try to convince her of his innocence. The little lady replied to his pleas with a swift kick in the balls, for her sister.

Wickham is currently in stockades, to be publicly flogged Monday next and off to transport the following day. Have a celebratory drink on Monday, say eight pm sharp. I shall watch the clock and toast his degradation with you.

Georgiana and Elizabeth are well. Georgiana was thrilled with the story of Elizabeth's assault on Wickham and wishes to meet her.

Coronel Richard Fitzwilliam

Again a letter that I should have read. I guess Richard does not only write drivel. Wickham gone, and Elizabeth, she believes me about Wickham. That kick must have been for Georgiana too.

June 7th

William,

Dear brother, I have a puppy named Puc. You will like her. She is very smart, already knows where not to do her business. She will always be small, the runt of the litter. Plus Aunt says the breed does not get very big. She is the perfect lap dog for a young lady. Puc likes music and sits at my feet while I play. I have started studying a new piece that Richard sent me. A friend of his recommended it. The composer is new but the piece is quite intricate. I cannot wait to play it for you. Also, please ask Richard about what has happened with GW. I dare not write it myself. When will you return, I miss you so?

Georgiana

June 21st

Darcy,

Georgiana is well. Mother says she is doing very well with the new music I sent her and that she is very attentive to her other studies. Her puppy lies in her lap as she studies.

Meryton is wonderful. I will send for Georgiana and have her stay with me here. And why am I so enchanted by Meryton you ask. Because of who resides there. Ever since I met her at Kent she has been on my mind, my thoughts, in my heart. I don't think I would have survived my last assignment without the memory of her. But now she is not just a memory, she is here, Elizabeth.

I manage to spend at least every other day in her presence, if not more. We go for walks; we talk of books, music, the news. I find her and her entire family enchanting. Mr. Bennett is quite a character and now that I know him, I find him quite entertaining and diverting. He reads extensively as does Elizabeth. They actually fight over the paper in the morning. Their debates are very entertaining.

And Mrs. Bennett can be a bit of a handful, but no more so than any mother in our circles desperate to find stable futures for their children. Five daughters, can you imagine? Do you know that their estate is entailed to our Aunt's troll like parson, Mr. Collins? Do you know that that oaf had the nerve to offer marriage to my Elizabeth? Can you imagine such a vibrant woman with such a man?

The younger Bennett daughters are delightful. And Jane Bennett is a very beautiful woman. I am surprised that she is still free.

Elizabeth is simply lovely. I find that every moment that I am away from her I am thinking about when I will next be with her. I find every moment that I am with her I dread leaving her side. I only want more of her. I love the way she blushes when she catches me staring at her. She commented the other day how she can feel my eyes on her, how special I make her feel.

William, I have found love. I am going to wait another few weeks and ask for her hand. I do not want to rush things. But I can hardly contain myself.

Richard.

As I read his letter my stomach lurches. I fear I will be sick. I cannot loose Elizabeth and not to him. She will not accept him. She knows that I will ask again. She will not accept him. I am the only man for her. And she is far too poor for him. She will not accept him. I quickly will find his next letter.

June 30th

Darcy,

Georgiana writes to me almost every day. Her letters are quite silly but enchanting. Mother says she is well.

I am doing well. I get better all of the time. I believe it is due to basking in the glow that is Elizabeth. She excites me in ways I could never express. Ever since Kent my mind has been occupied with thinking of her. Now every nerve ending, every thought, every heartbeat is about Elizabeth.

Do you know that she walks horrifically long distances, just for the joy of the exercise and to see the beauty of nature? She does not just walk, she runs and runs. She has never ridden a horse. But when I asked if she would like to learn, she consented. She is a very fast learner. She plays chess and has beaten me every time. She plays the harp and the guitar. Sometimes I find her high on the mountain with her guitar picking out a tune. She says she does not play piano well, but you have heard her. She is lovely.

I found her out in the garden today, picking vegetables for the meal. She explained all the workings of their kitchen garden. She is not afraid of getting her hands dirty with working. I have never met a woman like her. I commented on that fact and she became quiet, shy and somewhat withdrawn. When I asked about her sudden change in mood she said that she so hoped that I would approve of her. She seemed afraid that I will find her unworthy. Where would a woman as lovely as she ever hear that she is unworthy? I am at a loss as to who would ever find her so. She is worth everything. She is priceless. She is the woman they speak of in _, worth rubies.

I assured her that I very much approve of her. Her hair was loose and I tucked a strand behind her ear and told her that I found her to be the most lovely, most enchanting, most beautiful woman I could ever hope to meet. The blush that rose was rosy and warm. She pressed her cheek into my hand and turned and kissed my palm. Elizabeth kissed me. She told me she was so very glad that I liked her.

I will wait just a little longer before I ask for her. I fear moving to fast. I feel that there is something that troubles her about our relationship and I wish to sort it out before moving forward.

Wish me luck – Richard

No, no I shall not wish you luck. The thing you sense is her love for me. She loves me and will reject you. This is shear torture, trapped here in this infernal carriage with my letters. I shall open the next and hopefully find solace. Hopefully Richard has learned the truth, Elizabeth belongs to me and he has moved on. Jane Bennett would be a match for him. Of course, it is Jane that Richard married.

July 14th

Darcy,

Georgiana is well, she is more than well. She is actually quite happy. I have sent for her and she is coming next week. She will stay with my family. 'My family', how I love writing that.

Darcy, I must hear back from you regarding this. I know everything now. I have asked Elizabeth to marry me and with that came truth. There are no secrets between us. I know the truth now.

We walked to the top of Oakham Mount and I found myself holding her hand. I kissed the back of her hand and looked up to find my lady in tears. When I asked what was the cause of her tears, she told me she fears loosing the happiness that she had found with me once I learned of her history with you. She could not allow a relationship to progress or go on one more moment without complete honesty between us.

Elizabeth knows how important you are to me. She was so fearful that I would turn away from her once I learned the truth. She feared that the truth of what she is, or rather your opinion of what she is, would open my eyes and that I would turn away from her.

She started by telling me how unaccomplished, uneducated, inferior and unworthy she felt she was. How she was not handsome enough to tempt a man to even dance with her. How inconsequential and unconnected, poor she was, that she felt she had nothing to offer me. She begged me to listen to your advice and turn away from her before I made a fool of myself by committing to her.

Why, why would she ask that of me? Why would she think those things of herself?

I assured her that she is the most handsome, beautiful, lovely woman that I had ever met, so accomplished, witty and loving. I told her that I would be an utter fool to turn away from her. I told her that it would be impossible, for my heart was already hers. She finally stopped crying.

As she calmed I finally asked the right question, who had filled her head with such nonsense. You did. You were the man who hurt her.

I learned of your comment at the Meryton assembly. You did not find her handsome enough to tempt you. Are you blind as well as stupid? She told me of all of your conversations at Netherfield while her sister was ill, your comments about how you would not wish Georgiana to appear so disheveled. She mentioned the discussion of what you felt defined an accomplished woman. She told me of how uneasy she felt around you. She would find you staring at her, scowling at her with distain, always judging her. She always knew she was beneath you, inferior in every way that mattered to you. She felt judged, ugly and unworthy. She felt your disapproval of her in your every look, your comments, and your manner towards her.

She told me of the interactions you had with her at various gatherings, and that horrible dance at Bingley's ball. She was completely baffled why you would single her out and asked her to dance only to be so hostile to her during the actual dance. She was so afraid of your opinion, that you would find her and her family ridiculous and persuade Bingley to turn away from her sister. I know the truth there. You did hurt her sister; you broke a beautiful woman's heart. You spoke proudly of the fact that you separated Bingley from an unworthy match. Unworthy? Bingley comes from trade. Jane Bennett is a step up for him!

And she told me how shocked and horrified she was by your proposal of marriage. She thought that you disapproved of her, hated her. And she was right. You do disapprove of her. How could you say such things to a lady, that you liked her despite her family, her connections, her lack of fortune? How could you think to win a woman's hand by insulting her? And to do so after you had crushed her.

She told me of her response to you, the argument, and the letter. She was mortified that she had believed Wickham. She hated being so gullible, allowing herself to be deceived. She felt like a fool, another reason for you to disapprove of her. It is a credit to Elizabeth in that she did not tell me that you separated her sister from Bingley. She did show me the letter that you wrote her. But I already knew that it was you who had broken Jane Bennett's heart.

You did not even bother to apologize for your arrogance. No gentleman acts as you did to a lady. And to treat a woman as lovely as Elizabeth the way you did, you should be ashamed. She had every right to react the way she did. She was attacked.

And all the time that I was with you in Kent, I had no idea that you had any interest in her. I actually recall thinking that you disapproved of her. You once commented on her inferior birth, lack of connections, fortune, and education. You were always so hostile in her presence.

Know that Elizabeth did not accuse you of anything. She only wanted me to know of what occurred between the two of you. She kept berating herself. She said that she was not worthy of you and that your proposal must have been mortifying for you to stoop so low. She wanted me to know how unworthy she was. She did not want me harmed by an unfortunate connection to her.

I assured her that she is indeed worthy of any man. I told her that any man lucky enough to earn her love would be given a rare and precious treasure. I told her that I hoped to earn her love. I told her that I longed to be the one. I asked for her to be my wife. I told her that the only harm she could ever do would be to not return my love.

I asked her if she loves me and she started to cry again. "What do I know of love? How would I know for I have never been in love? I know that when I am with you I feel so warm, so content, so very happy. I know that I think of you constantly, ever since Kent. I know that I felt drawn to you ever since the first moment I met you. I know that I worried for you every moment that you were gone from me. I cannot wait to see your face, feel your eyes upon me. When I feel your gaze and I meet it, I see your smile. And it fills me with utter joy and a thrill that I cannot describe. I know that you see me as beautiful, and I feel beautiful when I am with you. I feel like I was created for one purpose, and that is to love you." And than she started laughing, and threw her arms around me, "I was made to love you and I do." And than that lovely beautiful woman begged me to find her worthy, "please do not leave me now that you know what I am." I assured her that I would never, could never leave her.

She still fears that our family will reject her, find her inferior, unworthy. And that, William, is your doing. You took a beautiful accomplished lovely compassionate caring woman and made her feel unworthy, ugly and you belittled her. Your treatment of her has left her questioning her self. If you were in my presence now, or if I had known what you were doing to her at the time I would have beat you senseless.

Clearly you did have some feelings for her but obviously they were not enough to fight for her, to change for her. Clearly they were not enough for you to see her worth. What was it you said to her that in breaking up Jane and Charles you were kinder to him than you were to yourself? Do you know what that statement did to Elizabeth's heart? How could you be so cruel?

If you still love her, (which frankly I doubt you ever truly did), come and fight for her. I welcome the challenge. My love for Elizabeth is great and I believe in her and her love for me. There is nothing that I will not do to earn Elizabeth's love. And frankly you are not even a competitor. For in this case, I am the better man. I am the better man by far.

I have corrected one of your arrogant judgments. Jane Bennett will be reunited with the man that she loves. The woman is absolutely lovely, yet shy and reserved, all traits that the women in our circles should aspire to. Yet you felt that she was not good enough for Bingley. Elizabeth was right to fear your power over Charles. What right did you have to interfere? Bingley will be escorting Georgiana to Longbourn where she will stay while I am here in Meryton. He will pursue his love. He will fight for Jane.

Bingley and I have had a long discussion about the merits of earning a good woman's love and respect. My concern that he was so easily swayed by you to turn away from Jane has been voiced. Do not look for forgiveness from him. He is quite angry both with himself and with you for your betrayal.

Mr. Bennett has accepted my suit. Elizabeth and I are to marry in three months, October 20th. Mother and Father are coming to meet her soon and send their love. Georgiana is so happy.

Richard

It cannot be, he cannot have married my Elizabeth. She is mine. She belongs to me. He must have ended the courtship and found another. He is too poor for her to accept, her father surely did not accept him. How could she speak to him about our relationship? How could she betray me? Surely she is only doing this to gain access to me. Surely she knows Richard would write to me and that I would come. It is my fault that I did not read these letters. But it is not too late, is it? It is October 30th. They would have married ten days ago.

There is another letter in the date sequence that I have not even opened. It is from Bingley.

July 18th

Darcy,

How dare you? How could you? I thought you were my friend. Do not seek me out. Do not approach me. I have never been so angry with another individual in all my life. If I cannot find forgiveness from Jane for all the pain that I have caused her then I will seek retribution. Do not leave your back unattended.

Bingley

My God, I have truly erred. Will Bingley ever forgive me?

July 24th

Darcy,

Georgiana is very happy. She is here in Meryton with me. She has brought Puc with her. She is constantly in the company of young ladies who laugh, play and joke. Yet she is attentive to her studies. I dare say she has been a positive influence on the three younger Bennett girls. And Elizabeth is such a good influence on her. They are actually writing and playing music together. Georgiana is thrilled that Elizabeth is to be my wife. For now she is very happy to be part of the Bennett family.

Did you know that Elizabeth considers herself unaccomplished on the piano? Silly woman. She is lovely to hear yet even more so on harp and guitar? The guitar is the perfect instrument for a soldier's wife she says. I asked her why that is so. She blushed, because it is so portable.

My sweet Elizabeth has been investigating what the life of a soldier's wife would be. She has spoken to other women who are married to soldiers of my rank. She has learned all the procedures to be allowed to follow me wherever I am posted. If I were to go to the front that she says that is where she will go, always to be at my side. I feel so blessed to have earned the love of such a peerless woman.

I gave her a surprise. I gave her a letter announcing my new post. I have been awarded the rank of commandant and will be taking a position at Sandhurst. It is a good promotion but with my wounds from my last foray it is well earned. The housing is very good and we shall have our pick of the homes that are available. Mr. Bennett will come with Elizabeth to Sandhurst where we will tour the homes on her way to London. Then she will stay in London for a month, which is perfectly timed. Elizabeth has a commitment to her Aunt who is about to have her fourth child. Georgiana and I will move with her and stay at my parents' home. Georgiana cannot wait to assist in shopping for Elizabeth's wedding trousseau. My mother is eagerly awaiting her arrival.

My estate is doing well but I am not ready to be a country gentleman, not yet. Did I ever tell you of my investments? Firelake is an estate directly between Matlock and Pemberley just on the Derbyshire boarder. I purchased it some years ago with the spoils of war and have kept tenants in it since then. I have a horse-breeding business there in addition to the farm. My steward reports that this years profits are good and we should be able to invest in some improvements. I told Elizabeth about it, assuring her that when our children come we shall have our country estate to move to. We will not always be dependent on my military career. She blushed and whispered that she would be satisfied with a cottager's hovel just as long as I was with her. She does not fear a few holes in the roof. She only wants to be with me. I love her for that.

Mr. Bennett is quite pleased with my finances. I always said that I needed to marry an heiress to ward off the ladies. That was not quite true. It feels good to have earned my way in this world and earn Elizabeth's regard. Elizabeth wanted me for who I am, not what I bring with me. She is very proud of me.

Bingley has reopened Netherfield and I am staying with him on and off. The accommodations are much better than a cot in a tent and much closer to Longbourn. He is courting Miss Jane Bennett and is planning on making her an offer once he feels that he has earned her trust. He has asked if he may share my wedding date. A double wedding. Elizabeth is very happy that her sister's love has returned to her. I have not spoken to Bingley about you recently. I would be cautious when you next approach him.

Mother has sent me the ring. I have had it remade. Elizabeth's hands are so tiny. She is so delicate. So now the diamond and sapphires are inset in the gold, quite delicate looking but sturdy. Just like Elizabeth. I showed it to her father and he quite approves of it. I am taking her for a picnic on the mount just the two of us. I shall give it to her there.

Georgiana sends her love. I still have not read in any of your scarce letters acknowledgement of what is happening. No comments, no apology, no argument or criticism of my last letter. I know that it was harsh. I am still so angry with you for what you did to my Elizabeth. The matter is in your hands. I am waiting for a response. I am to marry an incredible woman. I hope that you would be happy for me.

Richard.

No, no, it cannot be. Richard cannot marry my Elizabeth. No. I am tearing through the letters. Fortunately Victor has chosen to ride above, so there is no one to witness my pain. How could he not know that I loved her? How could he do this to me?

August 14th

William,

Georgiana is very well, so happy. She actually is blooming under Elizabeth's care. Mother and Father were quite impressed with her improvement. No longer is she shy, no longer is she punishing herself for something that was out of her control. Elizabeth and she talked for a very long time about Wickham. Georgiana accepts responsibility for her part. One thing that Georgiana is responsible for was to not ask for what she needed. She needed our love, our attention and care. She needed to be valued and when she was ignored she did not speak up. She withdrew into herself and in so doing became even more vulnerable to Wickham. But Elizabeth has convinced her to advocate for herself and also to not depend on others opinion. The only person whose good opinion Georgiana should seek is her own. If only Elizabeth could take that advice her self.

Elizabeth so wants my family's approval. And she has it. At least Mother and Father, Georgiana and Alicia. That makes her very happy and more secure. Andrew and Antonia are insufferable as is Aunt Catherine. Elizabeth can laugh about them. She also wishes for your approval of our marriage. She knows how important you are to me. She fears that you will not approve of her. She is still puzzled as to why you ever thought yourself in love with her when it was so clear that you found her so inferior. I assured her that you and I have been writing and that you know of our engagement, our love. I would very much like some word from you that you at least acknowledge that this is happening.

Elizabeth, Georgiana and Mr. Bennett and I went to Sandhurst to look at the housing. We stayed overnight with the Hardings. Do you remember Coronel Harding? Well, the first house we saw was lovely, but the servant's quarters were on the third floor. The last house we saw was the worst, but the servant's quarters were on the main floor at the back. Elizabeth liked that best as my batman, Truit, has a limp. I laughed. We will take the first house but have it refurbished to give Truit a room on the main floor. I love how she is always thinking of others.

Georgiana simply loves the room that will be hers. Georgiana has asked to come and live with us. She wants stability and a home. She would love to have a home at Pemberley but is so often alone there. You have left her alone too often. There is a ladies' college close by that Mother says is very good. She will be surrounded by people closer to her age and find friends of like interests and values.

Georgiana will either stay with my parents while we honeymoon or with you. We will spend two weeks at the sea house and then a week at Matlock with the family. There is to be a ball in our honor and after that we will have a week to settle in our home before Georgiana comes to live with us. I have ordered a piano to be delivered and we will have some painting done. Mr. Bennett has suggested that Jenny Hill come with us. She is the daughter of the Bennett's housekeeper. Elizabeth wants no servants other than Jenny and Truit and I am fine with that. My word, this letter reads like the drivel of a woman. Forgive me, but I am so excited.

I am at the London house now. I have quite a bit of work to do before I can leave my current posting. Mother has lists of things to accomplish with Elizabeth, wedding nonsense. And Elizabeth will be attending her Aunt who is entering her fourth confinement. Mother and Alicia see more of Elizabeth than I do with all the wedding planning. Elizabeth whispered to me today that she is thinking a quick trip to Greta Green is sounding better every day. She would prefer less fuss.

Please write and let me know that you are well. Georgiana misses you terribly.

Richard

It cannot be, I fear he really did marry her. His last letter it sounded as if it were fait accompli. I will never approve. I will find a way to take her from him. I cannot live without Elizabeth in my life, as my wife. I must have her. Please God, allow one of these infernal letters to say that he found someone else.

September 28th

William,

Georgiana is well. She and Puc accompanied me to visit the Gardiners. We have all been very busy.

Bingley has proposed to Jane and indeed it will be a double wedding. Elizabeth could not be happier than to share her day with her beloved sister. And she thanks me for reuniting them.

Mother has befriended Mrs. Bennett and together they are planning the wedding breakfast and the wedding cloths. As Mr. Bennett would say, no lace, no lace. Elizabeth has simple tastes and refuses to have money spent on her needlessly. This frustrates Mother to no end. However Father has pledged to gift five times what Elizabeth's spends to a home for soldiers widows and so spend she does. Mother and Father have fallen in love with her. And I thought I loved her, but what I felt for her those many months ago was nothing compared to how I feel for her today.

We arrived at the Gardiners and she was out at the park with the three older children. There she was running down a slope with a toddler and two boys, six and nine. They were flying kites. These are her little cousins, the Gardiner children. She smiled brightly when she saw me and we had a delightful time with the children. She asked me how many children I wanted to have. I just blushed, I do not know so I asked her. Her Aunt has four, and she would take what ever we were blessed with, but four seemed a nice number. The little one was getting sleepy and I offered to carry her. Do you know that except for Georgiana I have never held a child? We returned to the house. The Gardiners are wonderful and we have such good times with them. Father and Mr. Gardiner play chess for hours. Did you know that Mr. Bennett was a chess champion at Oxford and that Elizabeth routinely beats him? Father has played five rounds with her and is quite challenged.

Well, back to the day. Once she had the children settled she had me wash my hands and take off my coat and she took me into the nursery. There was the little baby, only five days old. She had me sit and placed the baby in my arms. She started to have tears run down her face and I asked why. She told me that she was so happy for some day she would be able to place my baby in my arms. She was crying because she would be the mother of my children and the very thought made her so happy. I sat there paralyzed as I held that tiny baby in my arms, please I begged her to take the baby from me and once she did I could not help myself. I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her, really kissed her. She blushed and allowed it, responded to the kiss. She smiled that smile when she presses her lips together and her dimples show. I asked her about that smile and she says it keeps her from shouting with joy. "Four more weeks and I will be your wife." I asked her if that frightened her and she nodded, "A little, I do not want to disappoint you. My mother says that I could never satisfy a man because I am too small. But my Aunt assures me that you will be satisfied. I am confused by what it is we will do but Aunt says to trust in you and all will be well. I do, I do trust in you."

Do you have any idea just how innocent she is? I am nervous that I will hurt her for I am large and she is quite small. Where do I go for such advice? Have you ever had a maiden before? For I have not.

But I do have the trust, the love and the respect of a remarkable woman and that remarkable woman wants to give me children. Elizabeth wants to have my children. Oh, William what that makes me feel is indescribable. I told Mother what she said and Mother started to cry. All these crying women, mother says she is so happy that I have found such love and that she can not wait to have grandchildren. Elizabeth is going to give my parents grandchildren. And that makes me so very happy.

I have asked my mother for some advice, that I fear hurting Elizabeth and she says that we will have to chat.

Mother also gave me a beautiful necklace, earrings and bracelet, gold leaves with tiny pearls. It looks like it was made for Elizabeth, so delicate, so lovely.

Four more weeks and she will be my wife. Please write and let me know you are well. Come to my wedding. I want you there at my side.

Richard.

I cannot believe this drivel. Richard does write drivel, nonsense. Elizabeth will not give him children. She will have my children. Elizabeth is mine and I will take her from him. And it seems that Richard wants to take Georgiana from me also. No. I will take Georgiana and Elizabeth to Pemberley and we will have a home, a family, and children. We will be happy.

How dare he kiss my Elizabeth?

October 6th

William,

Two more weeks until my wedding, and still I have had no word from you. We are traveling to Hertfordshire in six days. Mother and Father will stay at Netherfield. Andrew and Antonia will come at the last minute. Alicia will travel with my parents. Georgiana will stay at Longbourn until after the wedding. Elizabeth has asked her to be her attendant. Georgiana has seen her wedding dress and assures me that there has never been anything more lovely. I will give her the necklace the night before our wedding. I have already given her the earrings and bracelet.

Elizabeth does have faults. She does not receive gifts well and complains that it is all too extravagant, that she is not worthy, that she only wants my love. And she complains that she cannot return the favor. I assure her that her love is the greatest gift. With her impish grin she says that she can give me gifts. She pulled me into the back hall and kissed me, running her hands up my arms and encircling my neck and shoulders. Such gifts, kisses and caresses.

We are to honeymoon at the sea. I know the weather may be poor but I doubt we will be out much. I spoke to Mother and she assures me that though Elizabeth is tiny she is wide in all the right places. Go slow and make sure to pleasure her and all will be well. I still fear hurting her. Elizabeth assures me that all will be well every time we kiss. Never have I felt such passion, such desire.

I told Elizabeth of my past. She became withdrawn and looked out the window. She did not expect that I was innocent. She said it would have been quite odd for a man of my age to be innocent of pleasure. But somehow she would have liked to be my only one. She is my only one though. She is the only woman I have ever loved. The others were for pleasure, for release. She says that she wants to be my pleasure, my release, my solace, my love. She was actually quite fierce. She wants to be my everything. She begged me to allow her to be the only one to turn to with my worries, my fears, my joys, my needs. She asked that I never hesitate to take my pleasure in her body, her love. She begged me never to turn her away from my bed, to allow me into the deepest recesses of my heart, my soul.

I am having a difficult time remaining chaste as I wait for my wedding. Especially when she comes to me like that. I love that I can wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her head. I love that she is so light. I can pick her up in my arms and cuddle her in my lap. I love that she lets down her hair so I can run my fingers through it. I love everything about her. But her hair, I am quite enchanted by her hair.

When I met her in Kent, she allowed me to cut a lock of her hair and I have it in my pocket watch. I touch it frequently when we are parted. It is the color of liquid chocolate. I thank God that I had it with me in France. I would not have survived without it.

I love the way she teases and jests with father. I love the way she makes mother so happy, and Georgiana is so happy.

What would make me happier is if I knew you were well. Please come. Georgiana misses you.

Richard.

I think I may actually be ill. I will be in Matlock in 2 days. Richard wrote to me the day of his wedding. That was eleven days ago. They have been married for eleven days. It makes me ill to think of anyone lying with my Elizabeth, putting dirty sweaty hands on her body. Richard has taken Elizabeth's virginity. That should have been mine, my right. When I see her at Matlock I will confront her. I will offer to take her away. I will make her realize that she was wrong to reject me. She will forget him.

I am going mad. I am going completely insane. Elizabeth has married my cousin and I am filled with want and despair. Elizabeth gave Richard a lock of her hair in Kent. She never had feelings for me. I never lost her. I never had her. I have been such a blind fool. I write that I can just take her like some object, some toy to steal. That is the man that Elizabeth saw, a selfish child. She would never have a man such as me. I am the one who is unworthy of her. I must make myself worthy of her if only to stop my madness.

October 6th

William,

I am to be an attendant at Richard's wedding and we are all to live together at Sandhurst. There are extra guest rooms so you can come and visit us. I'm sure that you will come to love Elizabeth as I have. She told me that you and she met before in Hertfordshire. I secretly wish that you were the one to fall in love with her and marry her. For than she would be my sister. But Richard is so happy, wait until you see him. He actually looks younger.

Please come to the wedding. Richard assures me you have the directions.

Georgiana

October 18th

Darcy,

We are all in Longbourn now. There are festivities and such joy. I am to be married in two days. Elizabeth is exquisite and her sister Jane is positively glowing. Georgiana is having a lovely time. We are having a dance tonight and Georgiana will come but will only be dancing with family. Father was in Mr. Bennett's study for six hours today playing chess. Finally they called a stalemate. Elizabeth and I returned to the mount where I proposed, where I gave her my ring. She was very quiet and shy with me. When I asked her for the meaning of her shyness she smiled that impish smile. She said, "I suppose I can yell from here for no one will hear. I can let it out my joy." I nodded and she started yelling at the top of her lungs, that she was the happiest woman in the world, that she loved Richard Fitzwilliam, that she was loved by me, that we were to marry. I joined her and we essentially shouted out our love, our vows from the mountaintop. She giggled and said, "see why I smile with my lips pressed together." She is such a delight.

Please, come. I fear this will not reach you. I fear that you are not well. I fear that you do not approve of my marriage. I fear that you still harbor feelings for her and that is why I have not heard from you, that is why you do not come. Fight me for her. Come, please, come.

Richard.

We are about to reach the Inn. I must get out and walk, find some solace. Writing in this damn journal will not do. I need to hit something, perhaps find a boxing match, something. I need to scream. I need to find Richard and beat him senseless. How dare he touch my Elizabeth? Oh Dear God, she is his wife. He has made love to her, my Elizabeth. You see, I am that selfish creature that Elizabeth distains. Grow up Darcy.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: October 31st

I am back in this infernal carriage riding to my doom. I know that when I reach Matlock I will have confirmation that Elizabeth and Richard have married. I will have to witness their happiness. Yet I cannot loose Georgiana. I cannot loose Elizabeth. Some how, some day I will have her love. But it will be the love of my cousin's wife. Reality hits hard. Richard is my cousin whom I have relied on, cared about as a brother all of my life. He stood at my side when I buried my mother and my father. He has been my one true constant. And he has married the woman of my dreams. He did not take her from me. I never had her. I am a fool.

Victor is disgusted with me. Last night I drank far too much. There was a girl, a servant at the Inn. She had long chocolate hair that fell in waves. She was fairly young, Elizabeth's age or so I thought. Her eyes were the wrong color but she had that smooth ivory skin of Elizabeth. She was tiny, small and delicate as Elizabeth. I cornered the girl in the halls outside my rooms and pushed her into my room. She knew what I was about. Surely she knew I wanted her. But it was Elizabeth that I wanted. I wanted to hurt Elizabeth for the pain that she was causing me. The girl looked at me with those big eyes, eyes that were not Elizabeth's. I told her to close them for I did not want to look into them; I just wanted to fuck her. The girl cried. I threw money at her and told her to undress. The girl slapped me. She was crying and she slapped me. I was so enraged by her, enraged by Elizabeth's betrayal that I pulled my hand back to strike her. The terror in her eyes made me turn towards the wall and my fist made contact, breaking through the plaster. Victor came bursting in. He escorted the girl out, handing her all the money that I had on me, begging her forgiveness. He quickly packed my belongings and hissed at me. I spent the night sleeping in my carriage. Victor knew the girl's father had been searching for me. He has protected me by hiding me. Would the man demand that I marry the girl? Victor says that the father would be within his rights to make such a demand. He accuses me of attempting to rape a sixteen-year old virgin. Truthfully I was in my cups and only saw Elizabeth. I wanted to punish Elizabeth for the pain that she causes me. Could I hurt Elizabeth?

Victor has informed me that he will leave my service once we reach Matlock and that I can make do on my own from now on. He will gladly pay for the passage rather than be indebted to me.

What am I to do? We will arrive at Matlock ahead of schedule. I do not want to go there. I do not ever want to see Elizabeth with Richard yet I must. I must, for like a moth to flame, I must go to her. I think about last night, running the events through my mind over and over again. Did I misinterpret the girl, just as I misinterpreted Elizabeth? Did I really hurt a sixteen-year old girl? My God, Georgiana is sixteen. I would kill any man who harmed her. I am no better than Wickham. If Elizabeth were ever to find out, she would never forgive me. I am miserable. I need her, her love, her innocence to cleanse me, make me hole. She will never be mine.

I wish to sob and cry yet Victor glares at me. I am Fitzwilliam Darcy, Master of Pemberley and I have been scolded by a servant. I suppose I need someone to do that task and hold me accountable. I will ask him to so, but not now when my crimes are so fresh.

My head throbs, I feel dirty and foul. I want a bath and a bed, a good meal. Matlock will not be so bad. All of those luxuries are there.

Chapter 4: November 1st

Last night I did not imbibe. I ate my meal and had a bath, found my bed and a book. Sleep did not come easily for I was disturbed by dreams. I dreamed that it was Elizabeth that I pushed into my room, that it was Elizabeth that I drew my hand back on. But in my dream I did hit her, I beat Elizabeth. It was not a dream. It was a bloody nightmare. Seeing fear in Elizabeth's eyes was paralyzing.

I am tired. Today we travel a long ways but we shall reach Matlock in time for dinner. I am anxious to see Georgiana. I mentioned that fact to Victor and he hissed, "How can you even look her in the eye after what you have done?"

I asked Victor if he could assist me in making remuneration to the girl. He was quiet. He asked why, after all the years that he has been with me why have I become this hateful man. He thinks me hateful. Is that not what Elizabeth thought? I opened up to him and told him of Elizabeth and of Richard's letters. Did he offer comfort? No. He told me it was my own fault. He told me I should listen to what she had said, take to heart all that Richard has said in his letters and maybe, maybe my soul has a chance. He told me that if I do not change I would be damned to a sad pathetic lonely life, that all my money will never buy happiness. I know this to be true, only Elizabeth can bring me joy. But Victor pointed out that Elizabeth would never be, for she is Richard's wife and clearly loves him. Victor shook his head and stated, "Miss Elizabeth never loved you, she was only hurt by you. I remember the way you treated her at Netherfield and Kent." Was I really so awful? Victor nodded, "Yes you were really awful."

Victor looked out the window and watched the scenery go by. Then he said the most shocking thing, "Never before have you reminded me of your mother. You are your father's son, and he was a good man, reticent and introverted but in essence a good man. His one fault was that he was blind to your mother. But your mother was selfish, hateful and arrogant. She never saw the truth of what she had. Your poor father loved her and she never returned that love. And now I find you to be so like her. Yet also like your father, in love with an illusion of what never was."

I do know how horrid their marriage was. I remember the fights, the arguments. But surely they came together and loved each other a little, for they had children together. Victor hissed, "Do you really believe that Georgiana is your father's daughter? Mr. Darcy did not believe it."

I sat there dumbfounded. I knew the marriage was unhappy. I knew my mother stayed away. I heard the arguments. But never did I suspect this. Victor had clearly stumbled upon a truth that was previously unknown to me. "Who is her father?"

"Your mother had many lovers. I do not know but perhaps your father knew. He would have written it in his journals. You should read them at some time. It may help you to find your way. For years you were so focused on responsibility, taking care of Georgiana and your estates, driven. But of late you seem to have lost your way. What happened Mr. Darcy to make you so…altered?"

"I met the loveliest woman in the world and she did not want me. Women have thrown themselves at my feet for years but this one, the only one I have ever wanted did not want me." I told him, "That girl at the inn, she looked like Elizabeth. I was angry and hurt by Elizabeth and I took it out on that girl. How could I have done that? I would never hurt Elizabeth, but that girl, I hurt her."

Victor than asked, "Are you certain you are not capable of hurting Elizabeth? You will be in her presence and she will be the bride of your cousin. Will you be able to control your anger, your jealousy?"

"I will have to."

"If you do not your cousin will kill you." That is true.

We are entering the park outside Matlock. She will not be there today. I have time to sort myself out.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 5: November 1st. Matlock

Georgiana was walking in the park with her puppy when the carriage drove up. She ran to me and I gathered her in my arms and swung her around, kissing her cheek and hair. She flushed and was so happy to see me. She started babbling on and on about Richard and Elizabeth, how happy they were, how lovely the wedding was and how beautiful Elizabeth was and how much she missed me. I was surprised to see her so animated and happy. Though her words of joy were poison to me.

She asked me why I did not come to the wedding and I apologized for my late arrival. I lied. I told her that there was trouble at the estate that I had to attend and that I had had every intention of coming. She asked me if I remembered Elizabeth from when I visited Mr. Bingley and I assured her that I did. Then she asked me, "You will approve of her, you will be kind to her, please William, please don't be hateful to her. She means the world to me."

How is it everyone just assumes that I am hateful? How did I become that man?

My Aunt and Uncle were welcoming. I took my usual rooms. I bathed and dressed for dinner. Victor attended me and when I asked him if he was still planning on leaving my service he responded that he would give me another chance. I thanked him.

We met for dinner. It was good to see Alicia, Antonia and Andrew again. My Uncle was updating me, telling me of his admiration of his new daughter and her family. He went on and on about her chess playing, his enjoyment in playing with her father. It seems I was quite wrong when I told Elizabeth that her family would never be accepted, that she would be spurred.

My Aunt was discussing the plans for the week. There was much to do for Elizabeth and Richard would be returning the following day and the ball would be in four days. I learned that Bingley would be bringing his bride and staying for a few nights. I must face him in addition to everyone else.

Georgiana told me that she had a new gown for the ball and was so excited to go. I must have frowned and told her that under no circumstances would she be going to a ball for she was not yet out. And my little sister defied me and informed me that I was wrong. Richard and Elizabeth specifically wished her to come to the ball. Her dance card was already filled though she would make room to dance with me. I argued with her in front of my family. I told her that she should return to her room if she could not behave. And to that she said, "This is why I have spoken to our solicitor to be removed from your guardianship. I am no longer a child and I am behaving as a lady. It is you and your controlling manner that must be regulated. I suggest that once Richard returns we have a discussion regarding my future." My Aunt supported her and patted my hand and told me to leave things be. It seems things have indeed changed.

Alicia asked her mother if she needed any assistance with all of the guests and what arrangements had been made for everyone. My Aunt said all was arranged. The Bingley's would be in the guest wing and Richard and Elizabeth would stay in Richard's old room. It dawned on me. They share a room. They will share the room next to mine. His room is next to mine with an adjoining door.

Antonia interjected that she was appalled that Matlock house would allow for Elizabeth's country ways to degrade the propriety of the house. Andrew asked what on earth could she mean. And Antonia hissed back that it was bad enough that they share a bed but they flaunt the knowledge by not taking proper suits as a married couple. My Aunt defended Elizabeth saying that it was sweet and that they were still newlyweds. Georgiana mentioned that their home in Sandhurst did not have separate suites. Elizabeth told her that she wished to always be at her husband's side. Antonia was aghast at the lack of propriety and I could not help but agree with her when she sought my support. I added that I did not think it would be proper for Georgiana to live with people who so blatantly flaunt their relationship. Georgiana's reaction was one of fear, anger and scorn. I took Georgiana by the arm and steered her out of the room. The conversation was not proper and I was livid. In private Georgiana snapped at me, "I will live with Richard and Elizabeth and you have no right to tell me that I can not." She stomped away but suddenly turned and hissed at me, "How dare you judge them."

My cousin Alicia came upon me and suggested that we walk in the gallery. She said, "Everything has changed since Elizabeth came into our lives. My parents are happy, they are much more affectionate with each other. They have hope for grandchildren. It may be that Richard and Elizabeth's son will be the Earl after Andrew. Andrew has been faced with the reality that he will never have a legitimate heir. All of his jealousy of Richard over the years is coming to fruition.

As for me, I cannot look at what Richard has with Elizabeth and not desire that happiness for myself. My husband has been gone for three years now; it is time to begin again.

None has changed as much as Georgiana. She knows what she wants now and is determined to get it. I would not hold onto her so tightly or she will slip out of your fingers. Besides, you have all but ignored her for months, for years. You have no right."

I hissed, I am her brother, her guardian. And Alicia snapped back, "You may loose that title if Georgiana has her way."

How could Richard do this to me, take Georgiana from me and at that I was informed that it was not Richard who sought the break but Georgiana herself. Richard will support Georgiana but is not encouraging her desire.

The family gathered in the music room but the tension was great. Georgiana played a few pieces and I had to admit that she showed great improvement. I commented that I was surprised to hear her play in front of family. She smiled, "Elizabeth gives me such confidence. She told me that I need not fear playing poorly, but only to fear playing without passion." We parted company and I went to my chamber to seek sleep.

It was not to be for my Uncle's butler delivered some letters that had come for me. I noticed that there was one addressed to a Mrs. Jane Bingley. It was from Elizabeth. How it came to be in my pile I do not know. I could see that it had been redirected to Matlock from Bingley's town home. I spent what seemed like hours staring at it but I know it was but minutes before I tore it open to read Elizabeth's words.

Her writing is so beautiful, delicate yet strong.

_October 27th_

_My Darling Jane,_

_Can you believe it, we are married women now. It has been a week of utter bliss. We will have to spend some time together cuddled in a bed sharing our dreams, our realities as we have for years. Do you remember how frightening Mother's wedding night talk was? What nonsense._

_Oh Jane, I cannot contain the joy I have experienced with my husband. How I love writing that, saying that, my husband and I am Richard's wife. He is sleeping in a beam of sunlight. He is so handsome, his body so hard and cut._

_We left Longbourn and travelled to an Inn that first night. Richard guided me to our rooms and sat me down on the bed. He knelt before me and told me that he had no intention of taking me as his wife in that noisy Inn. He had every intention of just loving me and getting to know me, being tender with me. He felt that this would help me to relax and enjoy myself. I cannot help but say that I was a little disappointed. But he is wise and we did have such a lovely wedding night. He called for a bath and helped me to undress. He actually undressed me himself. I never felt naked in front of him, just beautiful. As the layers of cloths came off and my body was exposed to him, he just kissed me, touched me and told me how beautiful I was. He actually held my breast in his hand and cupped it, declaring me perfect. All the times Mother told me no man would find me appealing because I was to small. She did not anticipate Richard. He held my hand as I stepped into the bath. And than he stripped off his clothes and got in with me. Oh Jane, to lie there in his arms was bliss._

_We spent the night naked in each other's arms, kissing, touching and discovering each other's desires, pleasures and wants. His kisses on my body drove me to a state of utter thrill. I felt as though I was dying, falling, waves crashing down upon me. He was so tender, yet so firm, hard. He feared my reaction to his body, silly man. I knew that he caries many scars but he is beautiful to look upon, the scars do not deter his beauty. They accentuate his strength and masculinity._

_The next morning we traveled on to the Sea house. It is a large house on the bluff above a cove. But that was not where we were to stay. There is a tiny cottage set amongst some trees just above the cove. There was nothing but a bath, a bed, two chairs and a table, nothing else. It was delightful. Our trunks were dropped off with a basket of food. Richard carried everything inside but would not let me go in. He sat me down on a bench and took off my shoes, my stockings and reached up and removed my petticoat. It was so intimate. And he took off his boots, his socks, his coat and hat and than he took my hand. We ran down the dunes to the waters edge and played there, running in the surf. He kissed me and laid me down in the warm sand and we kissed for what seemed like hours. The sun was setting and it was so lovely. We walked up to the cottage and he picked me up and carried me over the threshold. There was a bath drawn and again he removed my cloths. Again we lay in the suds together. Again he took me to our bed. But that night there would be no stopping, there would be fulfillment. I became his wife in every way._

_There was no pain, just pressure but that was nothing compared to the overwhelming sensation of pleasure that he gave me. The waiting, the wanting had made me so, I will shock you, wet. I cannot express how he makes me feel. The torture of waiting all that time, of his kisses and caresses he calls foreplay. I have been in a state of foreplay, waiting for fulfillment since the moment I met him in Kent. I vividly remember that feeling of desire when he took my hand as we walked. A spark of energy shot through my body. It was like I had placed my heart in his hand to either crush or caress. I know where that spark ends now. It ends in Richard's love._

_Jane, oh Jane, how altered I feel. How content and deliciously nourished I feel, by his love, his touch. To think that this act of passion will be what creates our children! He actually told me that he believes we have already conceived. Silly man. How can he know?_

_I long to see you, to talk of our love. I long to laugh and giggle with you. Richard and Charles have become such friends. We must plan a visit._

_I will see you at Matlock. We will be attending a ball together again. Do you remember that night, what was it, November the 27th at Netherfield? Your dream of loving Charles has finally come true and I have found love too. Is it not strange how things turned out? I visited Charlotte and met Richard. We began our love affair. I did not know it at the time but yes indeed that was where we began._

_Richard stirs, I can feel his eyes upon me and my body responds with desire. Please do not share this with Charles. I would be mortified if he were to know how wanton I am. But Richard says that I am not, I am just a woman desperately violently in love with her husband._

_Forever your sister, Elizabeth_

As I read this I am ill. My heart is intermittently pounding hard and fast and than slowing, making me nauseated. I realize that indeed Elizabeth never loved me. She did not even mention me in her letter, not even a thought about me. Not even when she mentioned the ball at Netherfield. She fell in love with Richard at Kent when I thought she was in love with me. They were walking hand in hand, beginning their love affair and I thought she was expecting my proposal. My God, I am so blind, such a fool. Elizabeth never loved me. They are lovers now, husband and wife. She may already be with child. I feel as if I were dying. How will I ever survive?

Elizabeth is not my future. Writing that makes my hand and arm numb, my heart aches. What am I to do? Where am I to go? I am utterly lost.

Georgiana wants to live with them. Pemberley will be empty. I have no home. No future. I could never love another woman. Georgiana will marry eventually and her son will be my heir. I will be left alone, to be that pathetic lonely hateful man. Ever since father left me, alone, Wickham's betrayal, alone.

I went through the door adjoining my room to Richards and I actually lay down on his bed. He will lay there tomorrow night with Elizabeth in his arms. Those sheets will carry her scent. I actually fell asleep there and dreamed of Elizabeth, making love to Elizabeth only to find that it is the girl from the Inn, bloody and frightened. I should go back and find her, marry that girl and have children with her for she is all I am worthy of.

I reread Elizabeth's letter to Jane. The first time I read it I felt sick but now I feel desire. I need her. I need to make love to her. Just once, just one time I need to feel my body move through hers. Then perhaps I can be free of her. Just once, surely she will give me that.

My God, I read what I have written. I am going mad, insane with jealousy and anger. I will keep the letters, pinned here in this journal. And here I will indulge my every desire and wish. Here I will also sort this out. Elizabeth is not mine. She never was. Is there not a commandment thou shall not covet your neighbor's wife? I covet Richard's wife. I want her more than I can say. I must keep this in regulation. My God, I almost raped that girl from the Inn in my desire to have Elizabeth, what kind of monster am I?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 6: November 2nd

I spent the morning with my sister and my cousins. I went riding before breakfast. Antonia is staying in her rooms so it was just Alicia, Andrew and Georgiana. I asked Georgiana if I could spend some time with her in private. She agreed and we met in her rooms to talk privately. Her puppy was there and indeed does sit on her lap but growled at me. The beast is protective of Georgiana. I noticed a gown hanging from the wardrobe. It was like none other. It was a simple creamy white silk sheath with a hint of gold. There was a delicate sheer lace jacket that fastened at the breast. Not a frill, bow or a ruffle, just elegant. It was too small to be Georgiana's and I asked her about it. It was Elizabeth's wedding gown. She had asked that Georgiana bring it to Matlock for she will wear it at the ball. I stood and touched it, the delicate edging. I ran my hands down it imaging the woman who had worn it. Such indulgence. Georgiana coughed and asked if I was well.

I confessed that I was imaging how beautiful my cousin's bride must have been. Georgiana then cut to the heart of the matter. She knew that I did not approve of Elizabeth, that I found her to be inferior. I asked how she knew this. Did Elizabeth say this? She said no, Elizabeth would never speak out against me. Richard had told her.

She spoke with a quaking voice, "You seem to approve of no one, not Elizabeth and certainly not me. You left me, you abandoned me for months. Ever since I came back from Ramsgate you have distanced yourself from me. We have only been together for a few days in well over a year."

Her voice became firmer as she continued. "Richard and Elizabeth are going to make a home and hopefully be blessed with children in the next year or so. I want a home. I want a family. That desire led me to believe in Wickham, what a foolish girl I was. I know that I am too young to marry. I have some growing up to do. But in a few years I will be of age. As I become a woman I need a family to support me. I need to not be shuffled from one relative to another. I have asked Richard and Elizabeth if I can stay with them and they have agreed. Of course I must continue my education. Because of your distain for Elizabeth I asked Mr. Harrison to attend me. We discussed the possibility of removing you from the position of guardian. There is language in father's will that supports my petition given your abandonment.

Richard and Elizabeth have asked that I do not act, that I just wait and see what you will do. Based on your treatment of me last night I fear that I will have to request that Harrison draw up the petition. I will live with Richard and his wife. I will lead my own life and have a loving family to share in my joys and heartaches as I come of age. Challenge my decisions and I will act. Respect me and I can forever remain in your care."

She stared at me for quite some time. I could not speak at first. I challenged her, "is this not a ploy of Wickham's to gain access to your dowry or perhaps Richard's."

Georgiana's reaction was violent. How dare I think that she was still under Wickham's power? How dare I think that Richard was not anything but the most honest noble, loving man? How dare I?

I sputtered, "Was I not good enough for her? Was I no longer the most honest, noble, loving man?"

She hissed at me like a cat, "This is your choice. Let me live with Richard and Elizabeth or I will break the guardianship."

She was threatening me. She no longer looked like a little girl. She was not frightened of me or intimidated by me. She showed me the way out of her rooms. What has become of my sweet sister? Has Elizabeth altered her so? Her ire reminded me of that moment in Kent when Elizabeth rejected me. Elizabeth has altered her. However, it is for the better. I do not think that this new Georgiana would be so vulnerable to Wickham. She is stronger.

I spent the afternoon with my Uncle. He was asking me for advice regarding the running of Matlock and his concerns for Gandly, my cousin Andrew's estate. I have been away for some time but as always my family relies heavily on my business sense. Is that pride, yes. I have a keen head for business yet I have been remiss. What will I find when I return to my steward at Pemberley?

I asked my Uncle about Richard's finances, stating that I was surprised that he had made an offer for a woman of such inferior means. Uncle laughed at me. "Elizabeth is a prize for any man. You will understand that once you meet her." I explained that I had met her and my Uncle frowned, "Than how can you think of her as inferior. She comes with very little dowry but her wealth is in her love for my son. Wait until you see them together." I dread that moment, the truth of all that I have lost.

It seems that Richard had made a small fortune in some of his earlier forays on the continent. Like sea captains, he was able to keep some of what he had captured. Uncle explained that Richard invested wisely and made the purchase of the estate Firelake. I had heard of this property. I had heard of the horses that were breed there. Larger than Longbourne, the home smaller than Netherfield but the property was vast. I asked why Richard had not told me and Uncle reveled that Richard told no one, wanting to keep it secret. He wanted to make his own way in this world, be the master of his own destiny.

Richard did not tell Elizabeth of his wealth until after she had accepted his offer. Uncle laughed about this. It seems that Elizabeth was quite upset when she learned that she would be the mistress of a beautiful estate and not just a soldier's wife. Uncle said, "She had some silly notion that she was unworthy, inferior in some way and feared that she would be found wanting. The sweet girl actually gave Richard leave to abandon his engagement to her. He told me of this. Something happened to Elizabeth that tore at her soul, making her feel so inferior."

I knew it was my treatment of her that he referred to. I asked him of his opinion of Richard's bride, trying to distance myself from her. I watched Uncle smile in a way that I have never seen before. "Darcy, dear boy, I hope that some day you could find a woman such as her. She is everything a lady should be. Her manner is so lovely, her beauty so unique. But she is also so witty, intelligent, funny and a joy to be near. I feel younger just knowing she is part of my family now. Never did I imagine that my son, the hardened soldier would take such an innocent, lovely woman as his wife. I suppose I imagined that if he did ever marry it would be some older widow. Elizabeth is twelve years younger than him. But when he brought her home, the pride, the way he looked at her, was overwhelming. And the way she would respond to him, Elizabeth loves my son. You can see it, feel it."

I mentioned that I felt horrid for missing the wedding; estate issues interfered with my plans to attend. Uncle coughed, "Other than Pemberley burning to the ground, I can think of no excuse for you to miss Richard's wedding. He wanted you there to stand up with him."

How could I have done so? I would never have been able to survive. My heart would have burst. Watching Elizabeth walk up the aisle to any man other than myself would have killed me. I would have halted the ceremony. I would have humiliated myself and forever destroyed any relationship I have left with Richard.

My Aunt and Alicia interrupted our talk. Uncle asked Alicia to describe the wedding for me. Elizabeth was beautiful, her gown unique and exquisite in its simplicity. She had always heard that Jane was the beautiful sister but Alicia thought that Elizabeth quite out shown her sister for she simply glowed with happiness. The two sisters married. When the minister announced them husband and wife Mr. Bingley gave Jane a sweet kiss right on the lips and everyone gasped. But Richard swooped Elizabeth into his arms and kissed her hard and long right there in the church. Uncle related how proud he was when Mr. Bennett told him that giving his Lizzy but to a man so worthy was his greatest joy.

The ladies went on to describe the wedding breakfast, the flowers, the dresses. My heart ached and throbbed listening to such drivel. Drivel, I did not read Richard's letters, because I felt it was too much drivel, unimportant and nonsense. Yet if I had read them all along I would have gone to Longbourne and taken Elizabeth for my own. No, I would not have for she was already Richard's.

Elizabeth will never be mine. I am resolved to never let Richard know of my lust for his wife, to learn to live with this reality. I am resolved to become a man that Elizabeth could have loved. Maybe someday there will be a woman that reminds me of her, no it will never be. I will never love another.

Victor knocks on my door and informs me that the carriage has been spotted. They are coming.

Chapter 7: November 2nd

Richard and Elizabeth arrive

The carriage came up the drive and stopped but only Truit exited. My Uncle, cousin and I were waiting for them on the front steps. Truit explained that the Coronel was riding the last few miles with his lady. Elizabeth is referred to as his lady, the Coronel's lady wife. He explained that my cousin had taken his stallion Blaze with him on his honeymoon. I had to laugh, always the horseman. I wonder if he abandoned her for his long rides. Andrew asked what horse Elizabeth rides and Truit smiled, "You shall see."

Indeed we did see. My heart throbbed and ached as I watched them. Richard was riding his stallion with Elizabeth sitting before him. She did not wear a hat or bonnet, her hair softly braided down her back. Their entrance was like watching a dream, so graceful, so surreal. Richard's hair was longer than I remembered it being, hanging down to his color in reddish gold waves. He had grown a beard, a gotee. His beard was darker red with white scattered through it. He looked leaner and harder than I had ever seen him before. Yet when he smiled I could see and feel his joy. Elizabeth, Elizabeth was sitting astride before him. I could see her legs in tall boots beneath her skirts. She glowed. A smile was upon her face and her body was pressed back on Richard. Her eyes were shining and twinkling. She was radiant.

I could hear my heart beating like a drum in my ears. Almost like a buzzing sound. I felt dizzy and leaned onto the building.

Blaze cantered into the drive, Richard's command of the stallion obvious. Richard called out a greeting to his family. He dismounted from Blaze. Truit came to hold the horse's reins. Richard reached up to his bride and taking her waist he swung her down, holding her in his arms and swinging her around in a wide circle before allowing her feet to touch the ground. She slid down his body and he kissed her mouth, "Welcome to Matlock, Elizabeth." I could see her blush and she pressed her cheek against his chest.

She was tinier than I remember her. Perhaps seeing her in Richard's arms has changed my perspective. Indeed, the top of her head is just below his shoulders and she is so slight, a lovely light pleasing figure. I remember seeing her dance for the first time, how attracted I was to her.

My Uncle greeted Elizabeth with an embrace and kiss, Andrew with words. I could see Andrew's response to Elizabeth. It looked like lust. I held back until Richard's eyes met mine. I suppose I smiled and greeted him, congradulating him on his marriage. Richard did not smile but pointed at me, "You and I need to talk." He took Elizabeth's hand and nodded to Truit. Guiding her up the steps into his home I could see how attached he was to her. Never once did she look at me or even attempt to make eye contact. It was if I were invisible. She only had eyes for her husband. My heart slowed.

Once the doors opened Georgiana came flying into Elizabeth's arms. Alicia and my Aunt were embracing and kissing her and her hand escaped Richard's. I watched Elizabeth smile at him as she moved away with the ladies. Georgiana was chattering away. Tea would be served before they would go up.

My Uncle patted Richard on the back and teased him for loosing his wife so soon. Richard laughed and shook his head. Once Elizabeth left the foyer Richard said, "This is the first moment since our wedding that I have not been at her side." Andrew teased, "Not even for one moment." And Richard teased back, "Well for the necessities but other than that, no, not even a moment." He chuckled and than looked at me. His smile left his face and the stern Coronel was before me. "Father please excuse me but Darcy and I have some business to attend to." Richard pointed to the study and hissed, "Now."

I went, unsure what would come. He closed the door and than turned on me, "Why, why did you not come? You were my closest friend, more of a brother to me than Andrew ever could be. Your absence hurt me. It hurt my wife. What is your excuse?"

I told him that there was an emergency on the estate. I lied.

"What emergency was more important than my wedding?"

I fumbled. He hissed, "You did not come because you could not be bothered? You did not come because I was marrying some inferior nobody? Or was it because you still desire this woman whom you find so repulsive, my Elizabeth?"

I could not meet his eyes and I looked out the window and confessed the truth, "I did not read your letters fully."

"Oh I see, you could not be bothered with the mere events of those you love you. You disappoint me. I have rearranged my life time and time again to be there for you when you need me, for your father's death, to be at your beck and call so you don't have to endure Catherine, to help you with Georgiana. I took a different assignment so that I could meet your needs and nearly got myself killed, yet you cannot be bothered to read my letters. What an arrogant self serving prig you are."

He paced back and forth, hissing again, "Do one thing to harm my wife, look at her wrong and I will hurt you. My wife is a treasure and shall be treated as such. Do one thing to harm Georgiana and I will hurt you. I am putting you on notice. Get off your judgmental ass and behave as a gentleman." He stormed out of the library. It was worse that I thought it would be but better in some ways. He is angry with me. I can see the hurt. But he still cares about me. I do not think that he knows that I still want Elizabeth.

I followed him out and saw him stride towards Elizabeth. She turned to him as he was walking towards her in the parlor. I watched her eyes alight when she looked at him and also saw concern written on her face. Her eyes fell upon me. Elizabeth's eyes met mine and she frowned at me, questioning me. She looked back to Richard. I felt my heart lurch, a lump in my throat. Richard came to her and caressed her face, I heard him breathe her name as he touched her and watched her lean into his hand. His hand went around the back of her neck and he reached for her braid of hair, pulling it forward to lay down her front. I watched as his hand ran down its length. Richard's eyes never left hers as he announced that he and his wife would retire to their rooms to rest and bath. His mother smiled and announced that six would be a good time to regroup. I watched as Elizabeth and Richard walked away. Richard spoke briefly to his Batman, Truit and then was whispering to Elizabeth.

Georgiana came to my side, "See how lovely she is, how much in love they are. Have you ever seen Richard so, so handsome and content?"

I agreed that Richard's wife was lovely and admitted that Richard seemed very attached. Inside my heart was beating wildly. Seeing her again was beyond painful. Making eye contact with her and realizing that she had absolutely no feelings for me was paralyzing. Yet my knees felt weak. I was unsure if I could remain upright. I needed to rest, be alone and calm my nerves. Keeping such tight control on my emotions in front of my family was exhausting. I went to my room only to remember that it was right next to Richard's.

I could hear them, I could hear their voices but I could not make out the words. I pressed my ear to the door. Whispers, Elizabeth's soft chuckle, Richard's barratone rumble, was what I heard. I could hear water splashing and sloshing. I remembered seeing a large copper tub in his room, one that was not there before. Elizabeth and Richard were bathing together. I could hear sighs of contentment and than a cry followed by another splash of water. I knew they were making love, in the tub. I had thought that Elizabeth was passionate but listening to them made me realize that I truly underestimated the depth of Elizabeth's nature. My groin was throbbing, my erection hard. I needed release. Yet I had no one. I have no one. I am completely alone. I found myself in a mess, sitting on the floor with my ear pressed against their door. What a pathetic creature I have become.

Soft voices and intermittent laughter came from their rooms. I could hear Elizabeth admonish Richard for the mess of water on the floor. I could hear him telling her that he really could care less. I could hear him telling her how lovely she was and her yelp of delight as he picked her up and carried her to bed. Quiet. Were they making love again?

I moved away from the door and stood at the window for some time. I turn to you, my journal, my only friend that I can reveal my true self to, this packet of papers and pages, letters that were read to late. I have never before felt so utterly alone. Watching her as she pressed her cheek into Richard's hand this afternoon was painful, yes but also like a knife prying open my heart. She never felt anything for me.

She was absolutely truthful in her silent response to my proposal. What was it I said, "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." She stared at me, colored and doubted and was utterly silent. And in response to her silence I assumed that she was in awe and reiterated my struggles, insulting and degrading her with every word. She was truthful to me, she said, "But I cannot - I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to any one. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration. The feelings which, you tell me, have long prevented the acknowledgment of your regard, can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this explanation.''

She thought my pain would be of short duration, well she was wrong. My pain is only just beginning. Seeing her with Richard is utter torture and knowing that my sister Georgiana is to live with them, I will never be free of them. I must overcome the pain. I must learn to live with this somehow. I hear them moving in their rooms again, their voices. Richard is brushing her hair. I can only imagine the intimacy that they share. Will I ever have that? I think that I should submit and find a wife, someone, anyone. That girl at the inn, Caroline Bingley, what about my cousin Alicia, or Anne. No, no, anyone but Anne or Caroline. Alicia, she has been with a man, she knows what she wants. Alicia, I should look there. Maybe I can find something. What am I saying, she is not Elizabeth, she is nothing like Elizabeth. Oh God, help me.

Victor is knocking, I must ready for dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 8: November 2nd. Matlock.

I was mingling. I was conversant, polite. I was so sure I had it all under control, my emotions that is but when she entered the room and I could feel the loss ripping through me. Loss of Elizabeth, loss of control. She entered on Richard's arm. Her hair was up in a braided twist, a lavender ribbon swirled throughout. She wore a gown of silvery lavender. The gown's bodice curved from shoulder to shoulder, scooping down in front to reveal a modest glimpse of her bosom and deep in the back revealing her spine and sharp shoulder blades. The gown hung loose over her body yet tight enough to reveal her form as she moved, hugging her shape. In comparison to the other women in the room she is so slight, so delicate, so thin, her beautiful long white neck, long arms, graceful hands and fingers. I love watching her move, her hands move like a dance when she speaks. I watched Richard move at her side as he spoke to his father. Elizabeth's hand was taken up by my Uncle as he kissed it and I watched her blush. I felt my body lurch as Richard traced his fingers from the nap of her neck, down her spine, touching each vertebra before resting at her waist. His large hand spanned her waist. Elizabeth leaned into his hand and I watched her breath deeply. I am such a voyeur. Andrew came to my side and whispered in my ear, "I would give anything to have a woman respond to my touch the way she does."

My uncle reached into his pocket and drew out a velvet bag. "Elizabeth, I meant to give this to Richard before you went up. But I find that I am glad that I did not. For it will be my great pleasure to put this on you. Hold out your hands." Elizabeth did so, but I watched her blush and tremble. My uncle poured a cascade of pearls into her hands, "These have been in the family for many generations, but I believe that all along they have been waiting for you." He asked her to turn around. I watched as he clasped five strands of pearls in a choker with a large amethyst around her long white neck. "You could turn it so the amethyst clasp is at your throat or not." Richard was beaming, his fingers at the small of her back. Elizabeth was speechless and Richard chuckled, "Thank you father. They do Elizabeth's beauty justice, do they not?" My Uncle agreed and kissed Elizabeth's brow.

Andrew turned away and hissed under his breath, "Damn." I asked what was the issue. He indicated that I should look to his wife. Antonia was furious, red and seething. She stomped over to Andrew and hissed at him, "Those should be mine. Speak to your father and get them back. They are mine. That little country snit does not deserve any of the Fitzwilliam jewels. She is the wife of the second son. They are mine." Andrew snapped back, "When you act as a wife perhaps my father will recognize you as such, but until then you only take up space." He moved away to speak to Elizabeth and Richard. Antonia grabbed my arm, "Surely you agree with me, she is unworthy of such things, help me get them back."

I looked at Richard and Elizabeth's happiness and replied, "There is no jewel as great as Elizabeth, if she were my wife I would shower her with pearls." Antonia gasped and moved away.

The butler came in with champagne and my Uncle raised a toast to Elizabeth's beauty and Richard's good fortune. Elizabeth just blushed and turned to Richard to hide her embarrassment. She is so shy and demure. I listened as Richard gently scolded her, "Elizabeth, you are my greatest treasure, you are deserving of all of this. You are the loveliest, most beautiful creature that has ever graced this planet. Stop thinking that you are not. Or I shall have to punish you." Elizabeth chuckled at this and whispered something into Richard's ear that made even him blush.

We went into dinner and I sat between Georgiana and Alicia. Elizabeth and Richard sat opposite us. Every time I raised my eyes she was before me. But rarely did she address me, usually Georgiana, Alicia and of course Richard. One the occasion that she did meet my gaze there was no pretense, no embarrassment. Elizabeth seemed comfortable in my presence. If only I could say the same for myself.

Georgiana was begging Elizabeth to play with her after dinner and Alicia was encouraging the idea. I have never seen Georgiana so at ease in company before. The conversation was lively, the subjects varied, yet never about mundane topics.

The honeymoon was touched on and I listened intently. Richard teased that he learned a new strategy for storming castles. They had built sand castles together on the beach and trampled them before the tides took them. They rode Blaze on the beach and the bluffs. They fished and built a fire on the beach to cook their catch. They went into the village only once, finding that they far preferred each other's entertainment. Elizabeth played for Richard, guitar. Georgiana asked if she had written any new music. Elizabeth writes her own music, I did not know. She blushed and confessed that she had. Richard asked her if she would play for his family tonight, she agreed. Georgiana asked if Richard would sing. Richard singing, that surprised me. Yet I find that nothing should surprise me any more. Elizabeth had infected the entire family with her joy. She brings out the best in everyone. Imagine my fierce cousin building sand castles. Elizabeth did that. She brought Richard joy.

Yes, even though she is not mine, I feel strangely at peace knowing that she is near. At peace yet I am tormented by her presence. On and off through the dinner we actually talked, exchanging what I had thought was her flirting with me, only to realize that her easy way was her natural conversation mode. She challenged and questioned, she laughed and smiled, she was lovely. But never did it mean that she desired me. It was just her way. If I had not been so full of myself I would have noticed that she was lovely with everyone, everyone but Richard. With Richard she was more, exquisite, glowing beautifully. With him she blushed and was shy, with him she smiled that special way, when she presses her lips together and dimples form at the corners of her mouth. With him she was breathtaking and I had not seen it. Now looking back, I remember the way she was with him at Kent. I remember walking with her and her asking if he would be joining us. I remember thinking that she was quieter around him. I had read everything so wrong.

I watched her every movement, her every turn of her head, her every sigh, blush. She was lovely. I noticed her hand reaching under the table and the slight adjustment of her body. She was holding Richard's hand. That smile that was only Richard's alit her beautiful face.

Georgiana whispered to me, "William please stop staring at Elizabeth." Was I so obvious? I looked around and noticed Antonia watching me closely. I turned my attention to Alicia and struggled to keep my focus there. Alicia should be my future. I would forever be tied to Richard and Elizabeth, forever near her. Allowing Georgiana to live with them would also give me entrée. My God, I covet her. I want her. Who am I fooling thinking that I can stop wanting?

We adjourned, the ladies to the parlor. I watched Richard as she left the room. He started to chuckle and Andrew asked him, "What is so funny, Brother?"

"How much I despise being back in society, this is the second time I have been parted from her since our marriage. It does not sit well with me. Lets have our port, our chat and get back to our ladies."

Andrew teased as did his father. I could not help but join in and laugh at him. We talked about his plans. They would go to Sandhurst in five days, spend a week together before Georgiana was to join them and his new post would start. Richard looked to me and questioned, "You know she is to live with us?" I looked into the fire and nodded. "I can see what you and Elizabeth give her. I understand now, yet I have concerns, questions. What of her education?" Richard assured me, "There is a ladies college just a few miles away. She will attend, yet not board there. Mother approves of the college. It is very reputable. Her music master will come weekly. Elizabeth will dote on her. My home has plenty of room for her. I think that we can set up a guest room for you. You will be welcome in my home any time. I will just have to get over the fact that you missed my wedding. Georgiana needs you. You do need to repair your relationship with Georgiana and my home will be the perfect setting for you to accomplish that."

"What do you mean? Georgiana and I are fine."

"William, you are blind. Georgiana is unsure of your love for her. She sees herself as a disappointment, a burden, a nusense. She needs to feel valued, cherished. You have abandoned her to the care of others for over a year." He leaned in and whispered, "Ever since Wickham."

Andrew interrupted our conversation and asked about Richard's new posting. "It will be similar to a professorship at Cambridge, yet my subjects will be mathematics, military strategy, heading up the equestrian division, overseeing the stables, the teaching of horsemanship, combat."

My Uncle asked, "But with your fortune, do you really need to continue to work as you do?"

"Father, I have always worked. I would not know what to do with myself if I did not. Of course now that the realities of my marriage are known, I can certainly imagine ways I could occupy my free time." He chuckled.

"Is there a risk that you will be sent back to the front?"

Richard shook his head, "No, my injuries were great enough that I will never go back. They would never ask it."

My Uncle touched his arm, "You never have spoken of it, what happened? Are you well?"

Richard touched the side of his chest and rubbed. "I am well. I am healing. The scars are gruesome. But Elizabeth just touches them, kisses them and thanks God for my well-being."

"So you are well?"

"I believe so. No longer being a soldier has it's rewards. I shall teach, I shall be with my wife, have children and God willing, die an old man in my beloved's arms." He paused and breathed deeply, his brow furrowed. "It does sometimes hurt to take a deep breath. Come, I am missing my wife. And William, we do need to talk, about Georgiana, Elizabeth and your absence from our lives. I worry about you. You are my dearest friend."

With that statement I could not help but feeling guilty for my covetous behavior. If Richard were ever to know of how I feel about her. We finished our port and joined the ladies.

I looked to Georgiana, remembering what Richard had said. She was standing at Elizabeth's side. Elizabeth wore an aire of confidence and grace. Even though she was so much smaller than Georgiana, shorter, less womanly in figure, she was obviously so much more at ease with herself than Georgiana. I wished that for my sister. Richard entered the room and Elizabeth practically skipped into his arms, taking his hands as he approached. He leaned his forehead down to hers and they touched. I could hear him breathe her name and that he missed her. She sighed. Antonia went to the piano and shooed Georgiana away. She played a concerto. It was well executed but cold. It was as if she was throwing down a gauntlet, challenging Elizabeth to play better than she. Georgiana asked Elizabeth if she would play and she declined, "You know my piano is less than adequate." Georgiana pouted, "Nonsense, Richard make her play for us."

Richard commanded, "Elizabeth, play for me." Truit came forward with a guitar.

Elizabeth blushed and said, "Yes, my Coronel, I am at your command.' She chuckled, 'You know that I can deny you nothing." She took up her guitar and started to play. She commanded Richard, "Sit where I can look upon you." I had never heard the like, so lovely, so lilting, so passionate and rich. Her fingers were picking over the strings in a dance. My eyes were riveted to her beautiful hands. The words, the words of love in the chorus came over me. I watched as Richard bathed in the words, the music. She never turned her gaze from him. Always her eyes were on him, never on her instrument. At the end her gaze came down to her hands and I could see a faint tremble. Richard leaned forward from where he sat and knelt before her. He took her hands and kissed them. "I feel like you are making love to me with your words."

Alicia gasped and my Aunt started to cry, "Oh Elizabeth, that was simply beautiful, so lovely. I have never heard that song before." Richard proudly announced it was Elizabeth's composition, Elizabeth's words. Andrew stared at her, his mouth agape. And I, I believe that I just stared. My heart was in my throat, pounding, drumming in my ears to the rhythm of her song. Covet, desire, want, need, long for, all of these words describe my thoughts. Yet it was Richard that Elizabeth loved.

Georgiana suggested that we should hear Richard's voice. He frowned, "No." "Yes, said Georgiana and she started to play. Richard stood at her side and began to sing. Elizabeth's guitar entered the song, adding a beat and rhythm. I never knew he had such a rich deep voice. But indeed he could sing beautifully. Elizabeth's voice softly echoed his words in harmony. They blended together like, this may sound so silly, hot chocolate and milk, so rich. My Aunt started to cry again when he was finished. Elizabeth moved to touch him and she oddly asked if he was well. He nodded. Elizabeth and Georgiana played a duet on the piano and sang together. They harmonized together. It was lovely. Elizabeth can certainly play the piano, her style natural and passionate. She was far more accomplished than Antonia. And Georgiana was singing. My father would have been so proud.

I noticed Richard seemed to be coughing intermittently, like he had a tickle in his throat. I handed him a glass of port, which he thanked me for. Elizabeth kept looking over at him. He drank and excused himself from the room quickly. I followed him and found him leaning against the wall, holding his side. He was in pain. He saw me and hissed, "Get Truit." I motioned for a footman to find Truit. Richard tried to stand. His face was white and glistened with sweet. He coughed and I noticed his handkerchief was stained with blood. "What can I do?" Richard shook his head, "Nothing, just don't let Elizabeth see me like this." He was gasping for breath. Truit rushed to his side and took out a flask. He opened it and handed it to Richard. Richard drank and leaned on the wall again. Truit took the bloody handkerchief away and handed him a clean one. "Is it passing?" Richard nodded.

I asked, "What in God's name is going on?"

"Remember I told you that it hurts to take a deep breath. Singing requires a deep breath. Come, I need to get back to Elizabeth before she starts to worry."

I watched as Richard stood up straight and tall and breathing carefully the color returned to his face. He returned to the parlor. I could hear him announce that they had had a long day of travelling and he did not want to over tire his bride. I watched him escort her from the rooms after kissing Georgiana, his mother and sister good night.

I cornered Truit, "What was that all about?"

Truit was watching Richard carefully, "He was gravely wounded. He believes that Elizabeth's love will heal him completely. He is getting better all the time. It has only been six months. He will be well."

"Does his wife know how badly?"

Truit nodded, "She probably understands the truth of his injuries better than he does. If you will excuse me, I should see to his care."

I watched Truit go up stairs and rejoined the group. Georgiana was sitting near Alicia talking softly. Antonia was badgering Andrew and finally walked away in a huff. Andrew and his father invited me to play billiards for a while. That is how we passed the evening.

When I finally made my way to my chambers I quietly went to the adjoining door and pressed my ear. I could hear them softly talking though I could not make out the words. I could hear soft cries and whispers, and laughter. I lay in my bed and finally slept, dreaming that it was me that shared Elizabeth's laughter.

**So I get that I have broken a few rules of Pride and Prejudice knock off's. I have read many that place Elizabeth in a marriage before Darcy. But somehow she never loves or remains a virgin. This Elizabeth was truly ignorant of Darcy's admiration of her. This Darcy keeps his heart and feelings closed and hidden. Even Richard did not see through his walls. Slowly we will tear down Darcy's walls. **

**Allow yourself to have fun with this fantasy. **


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 9: November 3rd. Matlock.

The next morning I was surprised to see Richard and Elizabeth at the breakfast table early. They were dressed to go riding. Elizabeth had a unique riding habit, a long coat with riding pants underneath. I did stare. Richard invited me to join them. He would select a mount for me while they waited for me to change. I told him that Ageus was with me and he teased, "Is not that beast ready for pasture?" True, Ageus is getting on, yet he is my favorite mount. My father had given him to me. There were two young stallions at Pemberley that were of his line, but not old enough for my weight.

When I came to the stables I was shocked to see that Elizabeth was astride Blaze. I reprimanded my cousin for placing his wife on a horse far to big for her. Richard laughed at me, "Elizabeth can handle me. She can certainly handle Blaze. Besides he is the best mount for her. He has never faltered, not in battle, not when wounded, not once. I trust him with my life, hence I trust him with my wife." I noticed that there were scars along the right flank of the horse. Richard's hands went over the horse's withers and paused to adjust Elizabeth's foot and stirrup. She was smiling down at him. His hand ran up her calf. "Blaze faired better than I in our last battle. If not for him, I would have been left to die." Elizabeth leaned forward to hug the horse's neck and I watched her kiss the beast. Richard and I mounted and we rode out. Andrew had also joined us.

Elizabeth was amazing, her seat perfect, her form incredible. She seemed somewhat fearless as she and Richard raced across the cold fields. Somehow it did not surprise me that she rode astride and not side-saddle. I commented on it and Richard laughed, "Only a fool would encourage a woman to ride side-saddle. I taught Elizabeth to ride and I am no fool. She rides astride."

We rode back at a slower pace, Elizabeth and Richard chattering. Andrew was watching them intently. Finally he spoke, so that only I could hear, "I feel like a louse admitting this, but it pains me to see them for I know that I will never have what they have. I am a jealous fool who is falling in lust with my brother's wife. It is a sin to covet another man's wife, but my brother's wife. I will burn in hell for the things that I feel for her."

I was a bit shocked but what could I say, "Do not think that you are alone in your feelings?"

Andrew hissed at me, "You met her before Richard. Yet you did not offer for her. You are truly a pathetic fool if you covet her now."

Bullseye. I am a pathetic fool. Look up the word pathetic in the dictionary and the definition should read Fitzwilliam Darcy.

When we returned to the stables Richard dismounted and came to Elizabeth's side. He reached for her waist and lifted her down. Yet he was playful and tossed her over his shoulder and spun her around. She was laughing, yet admonishing him, "Richard, you will make me dizzy and you know you should not be lifting so much weight."

He spun her again and laughed, "You are as light as a feather and I neatly tossed over my left shoulder so this will not harm me. I have every intention of tossing you in the that pile of hay." Indeed he did toss her into the hay and then he lay down with her, kissing her. She was snapping at him seriously, "Richard, you fool. Get out of the hay. It will make you ill. Get up now." She stood and pulled his mass out of the hay. He snapped back at her, "Look, I am well, stop worrying." Elizabeth pointed her finger at him and hissed, "You promised that we would grow very old together, yet you act like a fool with your health." He pleaded, "Look, I am well, no cough. I am well."

"I am very angry with you, Richard." Elizabeth stomped off.

Andrew teased, "So honeymoon is over."

Richard smiled, "Far from it. She just worries. I told you that I was injured. It hurts to cough, and the hay. I am still recuperating. Yet Matlock's hot spring sounds perfect and Elizabeth recommends it. So let us go take a dip." He told Truit where he was off to. Truit went to get towels and fresh cloths. I asked him to tell Victor. We went to the spring house and were starting to undress when my Uncle Edward joined us. Our valets left us with urns of water, wine and towels, cloths.

Richard was undressing and when he was down to his shirt and trousers he paused, "Well now is the time for the show. Hold onto your stomach's." He stripped off his shirt. His father gasped and actually cried, "Oh Richard."

Richard had always been a powerfully built man, muscular and hard. He was still all of that, flat rippled stomach, arms and chest muscles bulging, a hard round muscular ass and long sculpted legs. Yet his right side from chest down to his thigh was riddled with large ovoid scars, angry white hard scars. The skin was puckered red and raised in areas. There were perhaps half a dozen of them. Richard lifted his arms and turned, "Might as well see the whole show."

His back was covered with thick white scars. Where they lash marks? His father started to weep, "Richard, my God. What happened to you?"

Richard stepped towards his father and placed his hands on his father's shoulders, "I am well. I am strong, stronger now than I ever was before. I am healing. Elizabeth's love motivates me to be well, to overcome the pain. Do not fear for me."

He walked to the pools and lowered himself into the hot mineral water. I could see the scars pulling at his skin as he moved. He must always be in pain. That he could ride; that he could toss his wife over his shoulder was amazing. He rested his head on the stones as he sank into the steam. "Come and I will tell you a story."

He had me pour him some water and wine and he sat there drinking. Andrew was completely quiet. I was nauseated and my Uncle Edward could not stop the tears from falling down his face. Richard spoke, "I am very good at what I do but what I do, or did, had some risk. I have been wounded before. No battle is won without some bloodshed but last May I was nearly lost the final battle. I am not a simple soldier, nor even a simple Coronel. I do not lead men in battle, at least not for some time. I go quietly, usually by myself or with very few others, far behind enemy lines and create chaos. I am an agent of misinformation. I am a spy. Last May I was betrayed and captured. Yet I had met Elizabeth and the memory of her kept me alive. Truit came for me. He had heard that I was still alive and he came, leading a rescue mission. Somehow I managed to escape and get on that horse of mine. We rode like we were being chased by the devil. Unfortunately the devil had a cannon. Most of this is from one blast. Truit was on my left and came out untouched. Blaze never faltered, he just kept going, following Truit's command. I wrapped my hands around Blaze's main and hung on. They had to cut me down off of him. Blaze faired better than I. The surgeon was going to just give me Laudanum and let me pass yet apparently I kept repeating Elizabeth's name and so he thought he should give it a go. There are seven of these marks on me, four on Blaze. The surgeons removed only six pieces of shrapnel from my body. I think their digging for the metal fragments did more harm than good. There is one left somewhere in my chest. The surgeons could see the tracks that it left. I had fever for a long time and infection in my back. Somehow I managed to survive the journey home. Somehow I managed to heal. I was thinking of Elizabeth, dreaming of her. I was thinking about Georgiana and all of you. I wanted to survive, come back to the people that I love. I promised myself that once I was on my feet I would find my Elizabeth and tell her how much I loved her. To find that she had been thinking of me all that time was utter joy."

I remembered that he had said that if not for meeting my demands he would not have been on this mission. This is my fault. I felt so ashamed.

His father took his hand and kissed the back of it. Holding it tightly, "I am so thankful that you came back to us, so thankful that you never will go back, so thankful that you have Elizabeth in your life." He held onto Richard's hand tightly and then looked down, turning Richard's hands over. "Your have scars on your hands? It looks like the wounds go through both of them. How did this happen?" Richard pulled away, "Father, I am a soldier. This war has been raging for a long long time. There is not one part of my body that does not have scars. My hands, feet, face, all scarred. Well the essentials are in one piece. And Elizabeth does not mind."

"That does not answer my question. What caused these scars on your hands?"

"It is best that you do not know."

"It looks as if spikes were driven through your hands. Tell me."

'Hush father and let me soak." He drank some wine and sank into the water. As he rose from the water somehow the white in his beard and hair were accented. Richard was going grey. Andrew finally spoke, asking a humorous question, "So what's with the beard? You were clean-shaven at your wedding."

Richard smiled, "Elizabeth likes it. I went a few days over our honeymoon with out shaving and she likes the feel of it on her skin."

My Uncle groaned, "Good Lord, you are a lucky man."

"That I am, that I am."

Chapter 10:

We were out of water and wine so we got out of the pool. We dried and dressed. Richard did not put on his cravat or button his waistcoat. Andrew commented that he could at least get dressed and Richard laughed. "I have irritated my wife. She will be fuming in our room and I will need to beg forgiveness. So it's all coming off in a few minutes."

Andrew gasped, "Braggart."

Richard smiled, "A gentleman should never revels his lady's secrets. However I am no gentleman. I do have something to brag about."

Andrew flicked his towel at Richard and Richard snapped it out of his hands and tossed it back at him. "You are just jealous."

Richard trotted off towards the house. We followed and I watched him run up the steps two at a time. My Uncle watched him, "He is well, strong."

I thought of occupying myself in the library so that I could not hear their reunion yet I could not help myself. I came to my rooms and began to write, as I listened to the harsh voices from Richard's room. I listened, "Elizabeth forgive me. I was not thinking."

"You must think, you must always think. I cannot live without you. I can not loose you."

"How is a little coughing going to make you loose me?"

"You know that the pain in your chest is from the metal fragment. You know that it is cutting into you."

"I will grow old with you, I will never leave you. We will die together peacefully in our sleep with our children, our grandchildren, our great grand children wondering if we are immortal. We will always be together."

"You frighten me."

"Sh, I am well. I am getting better all the time. I sat in the mineral pools and soaked. You were right, it felt very good."

"I should rub some ointment into the scars."

"You could do that."

"Take off your cloths and get into bed."

Richard was laughing, "Take off your cloths and come spank me for being foolish."

"I'm still upset with you."

"I know, let me sooth you."

"Richard, please, please be well." I heard quiet and soft breathing. I sighed. Victor knocked on my door and I answered quietly. I went out into the hall to answer. Victor informed me that Georgiana was looking for me. I nodded and then asked, "Victor, could you see if there is another room that I could stay in. This room adjoins Richard's and sometimes I can hear them." Victor raised his eye brow, "And."

"I should not be listening. Perhaps you can tell the head housekeeper to not have anyone occupy these rooms when Richard and his bride are in residence."

**The plot thickens...**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 11:

I was visiting with Georgiana and Alicia for some time. Georgiana's puppy was with us, playing tug of war with an old sock. I could hear my Uncle and cousin Andrew arguing in the study. I heard raised voices and an occasional thump of perhaps a fist slamming into furniture. I walked towards the study and watched as my Aunt paced outside the door in a frantic state of worry. I came to her and offered her my support and assistance. Aunt Helena just started to cry; "Something has occurred that made Edward confront Andrew about his marriage, his affairs. I think that it is Richard's marriage and Richard's fortune, his estate, the way he manages his affairs. Your father so wishes for Andrew to do something other than gamble, visit clubs and theaters, and those houses. He will not attend to his marriage. He and Antonia will not give us a grandchild. Andrew is running through his inheritance without thought. Richard's happiness just magnifies the absolute irresponsibility that Andrew shows to his position. Andrew has asked that Edward get the choker back as he feels it should be his wife's. He wants an inventory of all the assets and jewelry that should come to him. Andrew has actually demanded an inventory. Your Uncle is livid."

"What can I do?"

"Protect Richard and Elizabeth from his anger and contempt."

"I will do everything, anything to protect them." My Aunt patted my hand and startled as the study door slammed open. Andrew stormed out. Uncle Edward came to my Aunt and embraced her, kissing her hair. He asked me if I heard and I nodded. My Uncle admitted that he had never been prouder of any man than he was of Richard and everything that Richard had achieved. Andrew was jealous. Somehow seeing the reality of Richard's marriage and the man that Richard had become set Andrew off in a jealous rage.

A footman interrupted to announced the arrival of a carriage. The Bingley's were here. From one uncomfortable situation to another, I had to face Bingley. My stomach lurched wondering what Charles reaction to me would be. I went to the front stairs and stood beside Richard and Elizabeth. I watched as Charles exited the carriage and handed Jane out. What had I been thinking? They were a perfect match in temperament, connected in thought and movement. I watched Jane's face light up and heard Elizabeth's delight. The two sisters ran to one another and were hugging and chattering, kissing and giggling. Richard walked down the steps and took Charles hand, thumping him on his back. "Looks like we have been abandoned."

They were brothers. Charles and Richard were brothers. Georgiana had joined Elizabeth and Jane. They were giggling and chatting. Elizabeth was walking between the two tall blond women. Georgiana was becoming a woman before my eyes. Elizabeth was a head shorter than the other, so tiny and petite in comparison even to my baby sister. I watched as Richard and Charles laughed together. Richard pointed over to me, "Look what the cat dragged in." Charles looked at me and the smile left his face. Richard called to me, "Come Darcy, let us walk together. We can help Bingley stretch his legs after his travels." I joined them and once near I met Charles gaze. His anger at me was obvious. He hissed, "You did not approve of Jane. On your advice I hurt the woman that I love. I thought you were my friend."

Richard interrupted, "Bingley, be angry at Darcy, let him feel your scorn and then leave it be. Darcy has a lot to make up for, to both of us. I choose to believe that he is trying. I have no room for anger. He is my family. And I am all he has. I will not ban Darcy from my life to appease you. Since Jane and Elizabeth are inseparable, it would be rather convenient if you would just forgive the stupid fool. We can get on with our happiness."

So I am a stupid fool. He is so very right. I looked at Bingley and asked for his forgiveness. Charles did not offer forgiveness but warning, "We shall see but one little sneer and I will have to invite Caroline to join us." He and Richard started to laugh. What was so funny I asked? Caroline Bingley's had logically deduced that since Charles had married a Bennett, and was now brother to my cousin then the next logical step would be for her to be my wife. She felt that the connection gave her claim to me. She had said that it was just a matter of time before she would be my wife. I coughed and sputtered. Richard assured me that Caroline would not be joining us for the ball, provided that I behave.

I laughed and responded, "You certainly know where my vulnerability lies, anything to stay away from Caroline. But Charles, Richard, I am serious. I have every respect for your wives. I have learned a lot over the last six months. As Richard says that he has no room for anger, I have no room for judgment. I have learned my lesson and realize all that I have lost due to my stupidity."

Richard asked me what I had lost and I whispered into his ear, "Elizabeth." I had never ever in all my life felt so vulnerable as I did at that moment and he responded with kindness and compassion, "Oh." His eyes met mine, those steel-blue eyes probing my soul. He looks at me and I cannot hide the truth from him even though I vowed I would. He knows now. He gave me a sympathetic smile, "That is why you stayed away."

I nodded.

"And did not come to my wedding?"

I nodded again.

"And now?"

"I know what I have lost. I will always have regrets but I am becoming more and more aware every moment that it was never to be. Elizabeth has always been yours. I never had a chance." I walked away. I heard Charles ask, "What was that about?"

Richard's response I did not hear but I did turn back in time to see them rejoined by their wives. Elizabeth snuggled into Richard's embrace and her gaze followed Richard's and her eyes met mine. Elizabeth's eyes have always moved me, but now they looked upon me with utter compassion. I turned away as my heart squeezed in pain. Richard kept no secrets from her. He had told her of our encounter.

I watched as the two couples walked together chatting. Georgiana fell back and joined me, "Did you ever imagine that Richard would be so happy, so enamored with a woman? It is like he is a different man, so settled, so at peace."

Yes Richard is settled, no longer wandering, no longer the visitor. He had a home and that home was Elizabeth's heart. I am the unsettled, homeless, restless, and lonely man.

That night was lovely. I watched as Georgiana played duets with Elizabeth. Richard and Elizabeth sang a duet together. Their connection was incredible, how they accentuated each other's strengths and laughed together at their faults. Elizabeth, Jane and Georgiana sang.

Charles was cordial to me, Jane lovely as she always was. How could I have ever found fault with her? Alicia stayed near me through the evening. She and I seem to be paired together, the lonely and unattached. But ever in the background was Andrew and anger. Antonia chose not to join us.

I found myself unable to sleep. I lay in my bed listening to the movements in the room next to me, writing of the events of the day. Victor had not found me new rooms, due to the number of guests coming for the ball. I could hear Richard's baritone voice and only whispers from Elizabeth. Well not only whispers, I heard her cry of pleasure gasping Richard's name. Richard, such a lucky man to know Elizabeth's love and passion. I heard him say to her that when she sang to him it was like a million kisses upon his skin. I heard him cry out her name, Elizabeth and than softer, "my Beth, my Beth."

I lay there for quite some time listening to the soft rumbles of Richard's snoring and finally laughed to myself, how could Elizabeth tolerate that noise.

Elizabeth was, is the only woman that I could ever want for my wife. I am resolved. Georgiana will marry and her son will be my heir. Georgiana is not my father's child according to Victor. I will have to refer to my father's journals and find further proof. I cannot judge, and it is not Georgiana's fault. She is innocent. Her children will by my heirs. Besides, I could never choose another, not Alicia, not Anne and definitely not Caroline. I will remain a bachelor. I will be Elizabeth and Richard's friend and give thanks that my cousin has found such love.

Who am I fooling? I fell asleep for but a moment and dreamt. I dream that Elizabeth is mine. I dream that her cries of pleasure are for me.

Chapter 12:

I was unable to stay asleep. So I got up and went down to my Uncle's library. There I poured a brandy and sipped as I sifted through his books. I finally settled on a history and sat down to read. I felt myself drifting off to sleep, staring into the fire and thinking of her. As if my imagination had called her, Elizabeth entered the room. She was wearing a white cotton robe tied at the waist. There was a soft ruffle of fabric around the neck and sleeves, a faint hint of blue ribbon at the wrist. Her hair hung down her back in loose chocolate curls. She entered carrying a candle. She went and stood before the fire. I could see her shape silhouetted by the firelight, every curve, soft, lush. My God, she was there right before me and I could feel my desire for her building. As if to torture me she stretched her arms over her head and ran her hands down her body. Sighing, she started to sift through the titles as I had. I knew that if I stayed quiet she would eventually notice me. I would be embarrassed so I coughed and commented, "Mrs. Fitzwilliam, I should warn you that you are not alone."

Elizabeth startled and blushed, "I did not mean to disturb you, Mr. Darcy. I could not sleep."

"What keeps you awake?"

She laughed, "I am still getting used to the sound of my husband's snoring."

"Oh."

"Tiss a small price to pay for the happiness of being Richard's wife."

"You do seem very happy and I have never seen my cousin so content, so happy."

"He deserves every happiness, I only pray that I am worthy of his love."

I came closer to her and noticed that she stepped back. Her eyes were welling with tears. Was she afraid of me? Those words were for me, asking me if I thought that she was worthy. "Elizabeth, please don't be afraid of me. Please, hear me."

She was afraid, I could tell. She nodded but stepped back a second time. "You are perfection, you are worthy. Yet it is not my right, nor my place to judge. You are Richard's happiness. And I am, I was an utter fool. You were absolutely right to reject my suit. I must, I need to apologize for my arrogant hateful behavior. I need to thank you for admonishing me, taking me to task for my actions. I wanted you selfishly, thinking only of myself. I never thought of what you wanted. I never respected you as you deserved."

She interrupted me with a shaky voice, "Mr. Darcy, please let us not speak of the past. You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.''

"I cannot let go of my mistakes so easily, for they have cost me greatly. I lost the respect of my dear friend, Bingley. I disappointed my cousin. And I lost any opportunity I had with you. Though I am learning to accept my fate, the fact that I admire you and love you will not change."

She gasped and tried to step back again, but the wall of books was behind her. I could see that she felt trapped, so I moved away, motioning that she was free, that I would not harm her. "Please believe me when I tell you that you are the most accomplished, most admirable, loveliest woman that I have or will ever meet. I was wrong to judge you, so very wrong. I must change, learn and grow. For if I do not I will die an old lonely hateful man. I will loose Georgiana's love."

Elizabeth gasped and said, "Never. Georgiana loves you."

"I deserve to loose her, just as I lost you. I treated you abominably. And I have ignored her for far to long. I have been a selfish, arrogant, prideful being all my life. I was spoilt by my parents, who, allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.''

"Had you then persuaded yourself that I should?''

"Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity? I believed you to be wishing, expecting my addresses.''

"My manners must have been in fault, but not intentionally, I assure you. I never meant to deceive you, but my spirits might often lead me wrong. How you must have hated me after _that_ evening?''

"Hate you! I was angry perhaps at first, but my anger soon began to take a proper direction. My anger is rightly with myself.''

Her voice was a quiet whisper, pleading, "And now, do you hate me now?"

"No, absolutely not. I could never hate you. I must be honest. I love you. I have from the moment I met you. But it was a selfish love. I see now a man who is deserving of your love. Richard treats you like the treasure you are. He honors and respects you. He loves you without condition or censure. What was it I said, that I loved you despite your inferiority, despite the degradation that an attachment to you would bring? What an ass? Of course you would not return my love."

"Mr. Darcy, please. Let us put this behind us. I am married to the best, kindest, most noble man. And that man loves and cares for you. You will be a part of my life forever, for Richard would never abandon you. Please let us be friends for the sake of my husband if not for our own sakes?"

"Can you, can you truly forgive me?"

"There is nothing that I can not do, will not do for my husband. I can forgive you. I can even learn to like you a little."

Elizabeth was teasing me and it brought such joy. "Will you let me love you as a friend, as the beautiful, lovely wife of my dear cousin?"

"Yes." She moved closer to me and offered me her hand, "Let us shake on it."

I took her hand and shook, but then raised it and kissed the back of her hand. Her skin was so soft, so silken, smelled of lavender. My lips lingered a bit to long and I pulled away quickly, as if I were burned. "I am sorry. I will never, ever…"

She interrupted me, "Shush, Mr. Darcy, I understand. I should return to my husband. Perhaps if you could choose a book for me, something boring and droll, so that I may fall asleep."

I scanned the shelves and laughed as I handed her Fordyce's sermons. She laughed and thanked me. She left. Elizabeth and I laughed together, shared a joke. Elizabeth and I talked. I knew that she would tell Richard of our conversation. And for that I was glad. Writing this brings me release and a sense of peace that I have not known for a very long time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Huge part of the plot coming, downloading two chapters at once. **

November 4th. Matlock.

Today started in merriment and joy. And ended in tragedy. I do not know what tomorrow will bring if Elizabeth cannot hide the assault from Richard. Writing my thoughts and ponderings has soothed my heart over the past few days. I hope that it will enable me to rest today.

The morning started with the men gathering to ride after breakfast, and Elizabeth. She rode Blaze and put us all to task. Never have I seen a woman ride so well. Richard was very proud. Richard went to soak in the pools alone with Elizabeth. Later he asked me to join him for a game of billiards. I knew what he was about. Once alone he said it, "You and Elizabeth talked."

"Yes. I truly hope that I in no way offended her. I did not plan it, it just happened."

"Ease up Darcy. If you had harmed her you would not be standing. I understand that the differences and angst are now behind you. You and my wife are to be friends for my sake and for Georgiana's sake."

"Yes."

He reached for my arm, yet did not meet my eye until the last words of his statement. "I wish for you to be friends with my wife because you truly care about one another. Elizabeth has no limits to her ability to love. You would do well to bask in her warmth."

"With you Richard, I can not hide or lie. I have never, nor will I ever have feelings for a woman as I have for your wife, for Elizabeth. I must live with that. I was an arrogant ass; a pretentious judgmental ass and I did not deserve her. She was right to reject my suit. She truly never had a thought regarding me."

"Darcy, I must interrupt. There are two statements that are false. Using the phrase 'was' indicates past tense. As far as I can see you still are a pretentious, judgmental arrogant ass and no one expects or requires you to change from who and what you are. We love you for the man you are. You know that I am teasing you. You are not so terrible. My wife does not require change. She understands why you are the way you are, perhaps even more than I do, for she has a woman's tender heart. The other thing that is false is your belief that Elizabeth never had a thought regarding you. She did have feelings for you, feelings that you crushed. The reason your distain hurt her so badly was because she was curious about you. She admired your intelligence, your wit, and your pensive quiet nature. There are qualities in you that are very attractive to her. She felt drawn to you at first, and later, she realized that you would never find her worthy. That glare you have was interpreted as judgment and distain. Now that she understands you better she has regrets for her assumptions and her response to your proposal. She wishes that she had been kinder. She regrets that she did not ask for your forgiveness last night."

I could not respond. I was so torn by his statements. What was his motive in telling me that his wife had feelings for me? Did they actually discuss her attraction to me and mine to her? I leaned against the wall, hiding my face in my arm. He touched my shoulder and forced me to face him.

"To clarify, she wishes to be friends. She wishes for a comfortable relationship with you, one in which you are part of our family. Georgiana needs you. I need you. And Elizabeth will need you. There is one thing holding your friendship back. Even though you talked last night, she still does believe that you deem her worthy of me. She still fears your judgment. In some ways she is rather insecure. If you are to be a part of my family, I need you to let my wife know that you treasure her. You need to let her know that she has your love and respect. Am I clear?"

"Yes." What more could I say. He wants me to treasure, love and respect Elizabeth. I do. I so very much do. And I can only hope that after today's events she knows it.

"So about these billiards, shall you rack or shall I?" Richard was so easy.

I asked, "Do you and Elizabeth keep no secrets from one another?"

Richard chuckled, "I think not. But the marriage is still young. Give us some time."

We played for some time until the dinner bell was rung. We dinned and than were called to rest and dress for the ball. I don't think the ladies rested much for I could hear Jane and Elizabeth giggling in Richard's room. I wonder what they talked about.

I collected Georgiana at her door at eight. She was glowing, so happy to be going to a ball. Her dance card was quite full but she had left room for me. She wore a beautiful yet demure gown of blue with ribbons wound through her golden hair. The blue of her gown reflected her eyes. And her jewels were ones that Richard had given her. They were pieces that were my mother's as a young lady. I remembered them from my mother's earliest portrait. It sometimes startles me how much Georgiana looks like my mother. It is like there is none of my father in her. I was reminded of Victor's statement, that Georgiana was not my father's child. My reaction to her was filled with grief. Georgiana immediately observed it. I was able to cover. I smiled and told Georgiana that she looked lovely. That my expression of grief was due to the loss of the little girl that she had been. She beamed and was happy. I wonder if Richard has any idea what kind of woman my mother really was. I hope Georgiana need never know.

We went to the ball and mingled. I watched as my uncle and aunt stood in the receiving line greeting the guest. There were many officers, comrades of Richards with their wives. Andrew and Antonia were milling about. Antonia was dressed in the most ostentatious emerald green gown that I had ever seen. Feathers stood a foot over her head. She had ropes of jewels about her neck, arms, and ears. It looked as though her bosom would fall out of the bodice. I was embarrassed for my cousin Andrew. Charles and I had a laugh that even Caroline had been outdone. I secured a dance with Jane.

Alicia found me and we had a laugh while people watching. Again many young ladies were presented to me. It was the marriage mart all over. Fortunately I had Alicia and Georgiana to protect me. They both giggled at their new assignment.

I did not see Richard and Elizabeth. Finally the music was beginning and I heard my uncle announce, "It gives me and the house of Matlock great pleasure to present my son, Coronel Richard Fitzwilliam and his lovely wife, Elizabeth, my treasured daughter." His hand swept up to the staircase. There was Richard with Elizabeth on his arm. He looked very handsome and tall, distinguished and regal in his uniform adorned with metals. Elizabeth was beautiful on his arm, so petite, so lovely, and breathtaking. Her dark chocolate hair was swept up on her head, wrapped in a creamy ivory ribbon. Her gown was simple silk in a creamy ivory with a simple lace jacket of the same color that clasped at her breast. There was a hint of gold in the fabric. The color accented her dark hair, the warm glow in her eyes and the creamy warmth under her white skin. She wore the necklace and earrings that Richard had described in his letter, gold leaves with tiny pearls. I knew it to be her wedding gown and could only wonder at the joy Richard must have had seeing her in it for the first time. They walked down the stairs to the sound of clapping and cheers from Richard's comrades. There were many people here that I remember from my childhood, family friends. This could have been a ball thrown for me, if I had not been such a fool. Richard and Elizabeth reached the ballroom floor and greeted Richard's parents. I noticed that Elizabeth's mother and father were there. They did not seem out of place at all. Mrs. Bennett started to cry when she saw Elizabeth and Mr. Bennett shook hands with Richard. Charles and Jane exchanged greetings with the couple intimately. Many other people congratulated them. Elizabeth was absolutely lovely, poised and graceful. There was a cue from the music that the dancing would begin and an announcement that the first dance would be Richard and Elizabeth's alone. I watched as Richard's arms wrapped around Elizabeth and unclasped the lace jacket at her heart and he slipped it off her shoulders and down her arms. Elizabeth's elegant wedding gown had transformed into a strapless, sensual sheath. I had to take a breath and hold onto a chair. Georgiana asked me if I was well, startling me back to the moment. Richard took Elizabeth's hand and the music began. Elizabeth stood in front of Richard as he took her in his arms and they waltzed. The waltz was a scandalously intimate dance, only done by the few who wished to make a statement, that they were lovers. The statement was clearly made. Richard was smiling proudly as he spun his bride around and the traveled over the whole expanse of the ballroom. Elizabeth was so graceful, the long line of her thin arms and neck, the ivory glow of her skin, the smile on her face that was only for Richard. Her eyes never left his face. Everything about her was lovely. There were many gasps and sighs from the audience. They were lovely to watch.

At the end they bowed to one another and the gathering again applauded them. The main dancing began. I danced with Georgiana, Alicia, Jane, and even with Antonia. It was a delightful evening. Mostly I watched as Elizabeth danced with her father, father in law, Charles, some of Richard's friends and once with Andrew. There was some discomfort there on Elizabeth's part. I was startled to see Richard cut in. Richard only danced with Georgiana, Jane and his sister Alicia once. Except for the many times he danced with Elizabeth. There was a moment when Richard was standing with another Coronel; Elizabeth's hand was on his arm. Her foot was tapping to the music. Richard smiled at me, "I think that you are here to relieve my weary feet." He gave me Elizabeth's hand.

Elizabeth and I danced together. I was enchanted with her yet tried not to show it. As we had to have some conversation while dancing so I commented on the number of couples and the size of the room. She laughed at me, reminding me of our dance at Netherfield. I commented on how utterly lovely she looked and she blushed. She noticed that the ribbon on her slipper had come undone and excused herself after our dance. I watched her go and whisper to Richard, my eyes followed her down the hall and into the library. I joined Richard in conversation. He was talking with a friend of his father's about horses and seemed to be in the midst of negotiating a purchase. Richard nodded to me and asked that I check on Elizabeth for she had been gone longer than he expected. I agreed.

I went to the library door and tapped. There was no answer so I entered. I noticed that the doors to the balcony were open. Elizabeth must have needed some fresh air. I went out the doors and what I saw shocked me. Andrew, Richard's brother had Elizabeth pinned against the granite wall, his hand at her throat, his other was pulling her dress up. Andrew was attempting to rape Elizabeth. She was fighting, hitting and kicking him with all her might. I could hear Andrew's foul words, "Any child you have should be mine." I did not think. I found my fist making contact with Andrew's jaw before I knew I had even moved across the patio. My fists were pounding into him as I felt Elizabeth's hands were on me, crying, "Do not hurt him any more, please. Think of Richard." Andrew was lying on the ground with a bloody nose and a split lip. He was hissing at Elizabeth saying he would take any child she bore, that it was his right. I kicked him hard in the gut. He was silenced.

Elizabeth turned to me, frightened and shaking. I drew her into my arms and held her tightly. She was asking me what Andrew meant, babbling that we had to protect Richard from the knowledge of what had occurred. I scooped her into my arms and carried her back into the library. I snuck her up to her rooms by the servants' staircase. There I found Truit and explained some of what had occurred. Truit immediately left assuring me he would deal with the Viscount. Victor returned with Elizabeth's lace wrap. He suggested to Elizabeth she should change her slippers as an excuse for why she took so long. Elizabeth washed her face and gently patted it dry. While we waited for Truit to return I just stood, silently watching her. She turned to look at me and uttered, "What you must think of me?" I assured her that I had the utmost respect for her and that all would be well. She started to cry anew. I begged her not to cry. "If Richard were to ever find out, I hate to think what he would do to his brother. It was his brother. How and why would his brother do this to me, to us?" I cautiously asked if the worst had happened and she shook her head adamantly no, "No, thank God you came. I was so frightened." I reassured her again the all would be well and poured her a glass of water. She drank. I suggested that she fix her hair. She had bruises on her upper arms and scrapes from the granite wall on her back. The fabric of her gown had a snag in the back but the lace wrap covered it all. She looked to the mirror and tried to smile. Truit returned and assured her that Viscount was contained and that Richard knew nothing of the incident. Elizabeth stood as tall as she could and breathed. She returned to the ball.

I returned after a few minutes and my eyes immediately found Elizabeth. She was with Richard, her arm laced with his. Georgiana called me over to where she was sitting with Mr. and Mrs. Bennett. I spoke to them for a while and thanked them for their care and hospitality to my sister. Mr. Bennett expressed his great pride in the man that his daughter had captured and Mrs. Bennett nodded in agreement. "With two daughters so well matched I find my nerves are quite calm." Mr. Bennett gave his wife a pat. Indeed she was quite altered, calm and even graceful. Again I was reminded of what a fool I had been.

The last dance began. I danced it with Georgiana. Richard danced with Elizabeth. I watched as Richard looked pensively at his wife, his face and eyes questioning her. He drew her close and kissed her forehead. After that most of the guests departed. I watched as Elizabeth spoke with her parents and Jane. I startled as Richard moved besides me. "Something has upset my wife tonight and she will not tell me the source of her displeasure. Someone has hurt her to the extent that she has taken to keeping secrets from me. She will not look me in the eye. I will learn the truth. So help me God, it had better not have been you." Richard did not truly trust me. I felt Elizabeth's eyes on me. She did not want Richard to know. I would abide by her wishes for tonight but I planned on confronting her in the morning. I felt it would be best for Richard to know, if only to keep Elizabeth safe.

He turned and walked to his wife. He took her by the elbow and announced that she was tired. I watched as she leaned her body into him and they walked up the stairs to their chambers.

I hesitated to go to my chambers. Instead I spent some time discussing the success of the night with my Uncle and Mr. Bennett. Mr. Bennett commented that I did not seem to be such a proud and disagreeable fellow after all and he said that he had misjudged me. He was glad to get to know me. Again I was reminded of what a fool I had been.

I checked on Georgiana in her rooms, kissing her good night. I did so to reassure myself of her safety. The light was out in Richard and Elizabeth's room. I could hear them softly whispering and the creak of the bed. All seemed well. Elizabeth was safe in Richard's arms. I will put down my pen and sleep.

November 5th. Matlock.

I woke this morning to Richard's shouting. Who was he shouting at? I jumped from my bed and threw my robe on over my pajamas. I stood at the door adjoining our rooms and listened. Richard was shouting at Elizabeth and she was crying. She was begging him to calm down, saying it was nothing. He was hissing at her, asking why she was keeping secrets, whom was she protecting? I could not help myself when I heard her cry, "Richard you are frightening me." I barged in through the door.

Richard was standing there wearing only pajama bottoms. His muscular hard body was over Elizabeth. She was wearing only a white sleeveless nightgown with thin straps over her shoulders. I hesitated as I could see her body through the thin material. Elizabeth was leaning back on the bed, holding a dressing gown to her breast, drawing away from Richard. She was crying, frightened. It looked as though he was going to hit her. I yelled at him to stop. Richard turned on me, enraged. He pointed to his wife, "Do you see this Darcy? My wife covers her body from my eyes for the first time in our marriage. She is hiding her body from me. There are marks on my wife's body." He moved quickly towards me and grabbed my arms. His face was just an inch from mine spitting with fury. "Do you know anything about this? Did you do this?" Elizabeth was grabbing his arm, "No, Richard no. It was not William. Please, you are frightening me." Richard spun on Elizabeth and crushed her body to him, his face buried in her hair. "Elizabeth, you must tell me how this happened. I have never left a mark on your body.' He was pleading, 'Please tell me that I did not do this."

Elizabeth's hands were running through his hair, down his body. "No, no my darling you are the gentlest of lovers even when we loose ourselves in one another. You have never hurt me." I shrank back as I watched Richard's mouth fiercely kiss her face, her neck, and shoulders. "How, who did this." I could see as Richard, turned her around to look at the bruises and scraps along her back. He demeanor changed and he began to tenderly kissing her back, her bruised arms. He must have forgotten my presence. He looked carefully at the bruise on her right arm. He hissed again, "This is in the shape of a hand, a hand that wears a signet ring." He lifted her arm again to examine the markings. I had not realized how battered Elizabeth was in the dark last night. Her arms were black and blue as was her back. Richard's eye's met Elizabeth's and he hissed at her again, "This was my brother's doing."

Elizabeth nodded, her eyes pleading, "But please, he was drunk and you saw how horrid Antonia was to him. Please just let it go. No one need know."

Richard spit his words, "You ask me to the impossible." He looked at me and breathed. His manner changed to calm and controlled. "Keep my wife safe, William. I am entrusting her care to you." Richard left the room wearing only his silk pajama bottoms. Elizabeth pulled on her wrap and tied it tight. She grabbed her slippers and followed. I ran after her. Richard was moving through the halls, shouting, pounding his fist into the doors of his parent's room, Alicia's room, Georgiana's room. He paused outside of Andrew's door. Truit was standing outside the door and Richard snapped at him, "You knew?" Truit only nodded, apologizing. Everyone was up, standing in the halls. My Uncle was asking what was going on. Elizabeth was crying, I drew her to me, "I am so sorry." Richard hissed at her, "You have nothing to apologize for. I don't ever want to hear that from you again. Am I clear." Elizabeth nodded.

Richard turned to Andrew's door and kicked it in, ripping the moldings from the walls as the door smashed in. He entered Andrew's room. Elizabeth pleaded with me, "Please don't let Richard do anything he may regret." I left Elizabeth with her father and my uncle. Richard was pulling Andrew out of his room by his jacket collar, dragging him. Andrew was grabbing at Richard's hands, screaming that Richard was choking him. Richard dragged Andrew down the stairs. It was a startling sight. Andrew was still dressed in his black trousers, shoes, coat from the night before and Richard was just barely covered. Richard's strength and power was startling. Andrew's feet were trying to find purchase as he stumbled and fell over and over again. Richard just kept moving. He dragged him through the library and out into the cold morning air. "Here, did you do it here?" Andrew snapped, "What are you talking about? Are you mad?"

Richard slammed Andrew against the granite wall of the house, pinning Andrew by the throat. I looked to Elizabeth and saw for the first time the marks of Andrew's hands on her neck. Richard hissed, "You touched my wife." Elizabeth was rushing forward and I caught her in my arms. She was pleading with Richard, "Please, Richard. He was drunk, he did not know what he was doing."

Richard turned and pointed his finger at her, "Do not make excuses for him, Elizabeth. He knew exactly what he was about, didn't you Andy?" He moved his hand away from Andrew's neck and grabbed his arm, twisting it painfully behind his back, smashing Andrew's face into the wall. "How does it feel Andy?" And Andrew foolishly responded, "She should have submitted to me, any child she produces will be mine anyway."

Richard pulled away like touching Andrew burned him. Realization hit him and he rasped, "You tried to rape my wife?" Andrew fell in a heap on the stone floor. My Aunt Helena was in my Uncle's arms and she gasped, "No." Alicia was comforting Georgiana. Mr. and Mrs. Bennett were clinging to one another, as were Jane and Charles. Elizabeth turned to me and hid her face in my chest, she was weeping. Richard turned and screamed at Elizabeth, "Did he?" Elizabeth shook her head vehemently, "No, Mr. Darcy stopped him."

Andrew started to get up and was foolishly spewing his nonsense at Richard. "By law, you are my heir, hence any child your wife produces will be my heir. She should submit to me and let the child be mine by blood and by law." Richard was breathing deeply, I could see that he was starting to shake, his body becoming pale and white with cold sweet. Suddenly Richard's body moved and his leg swung out, his foot making contact with Andrew's rib cage, his elbow struck his head. There was a loud crack and scream from Andrew. Richard turned to a chair on the patio and smashed it, grabbing one of the broken legs. He came to Andrew and grabbed him, shoving him down against the hard stone of the balcony floor. "You have made a foolish mistake. You have no idea who and what I am. Do you see this? But not for our mother's presence, I would shove this piece of wood up your ass and rape you with it. My wife thinks that I am an honorable gentle man, but I am not. I am a monster, a man who survived the hell of war and you know I have the scars to prove it. I am capable of raping you. I am capable of torturing you, killing you in the most horrid way. And I would do so, if not for my wife and our mother's presence." Richard smashed leg of the chair beside Andrew's face. He grabbed Andrew's arm and twisted it until it snapped. He grabbed Andrew's hair and smashed his face into the stonewall, "You left marks on my wife's body. You hurt my wife and for that you will pay." He called to Elizabeth he said, "Tell me when you think he has had enough." Elizabeth cried out immediately, "Enough, Richard, Stop." Richard picked Andrew up and lifted him over his head and threw him off the balcony like he was a sack of rubbish. Elizabeth flew to his arms, touching him, asking him if he was well, asking him to forgive her. Richard crushed her to his body and was kissing her, again admonishing her, "You have nothing to ask forgiveness for." He turned to his father, "You have one hour to have him off this property or Elizabeth and I will leave and we will never return. He is never to be near my wife again. Is that clear?" My Uncle nodded. Richard swept Elizabeth up into his arms and carried her inside.

Truit rushed down to Andrew's side and announced, "He's alive, Lord Matlock. My Coronel is very adept at torture, sir, and your son is actually barely injured. His arm is dislocated but I can fix that and he may have some cracked ribs. But nothing he did not deserve." My Uncle signaled me to see to my Aunt. She was shaking and weeping. There were very few servants about. My Uncle gave instructions that no one was to speak neither of this incident, nor of the assault on Elizabeth. Andrew was taken to the stables. My Uncle gave instructions for him to be removed from the estate. Antonia was to be awoken, her belongings packed and banished from Matlock. My Aunt was crying and my Uncle soothed her, "This has been coming for a long time."

My Aunt asked the harder question, "There were scars all over Richard's body. I have seen the scars on his hands, but his back, his body. What happened to my baby?" My Uncle cuddled her to his body and rocked her back and forth. "Our baby became a man and went to war. Elizabeth's love will heal him." My Aunt continued to weep. "And what of Andrew, what has become of him?" My uncle had no answer for her.

I sought out Georgiana and Alicia. They were both very quiet. Georgiana came to me and hugged me. "How could anyone hurt Elizabeth? And Richard, did you see his body?" I shushed her. Richard would need to reassure the women of the family that he was well.

We all went back to our rooms, dressed and gathered for a rather sedate breakfast. Richard and Elizabeth were missing. Truit came down and told my Uncle that he had informed his Coronel of the Viscount's departure but that the Coronel would be unavailable for some time. My Uncle nodded, "Elizabeth probably needs his comfort." Truit corrected him, "No my Lord, it is the Coronel that is in need of his wife's reassurance and love."

I asked what he meant by that statement. Truit whispered to me, "For a very long time my Coronel did not believe he would be worthy of a woman such as his lady wife. War can make men into monsters. And that was before his body became horribly scarred."

I asked, "The marks on my cousins hands look like nails were driven through them. Can you tell me what happened to him?"

Truit looked at me, "Because I know you love my Coronel I will tell you. I found him nailed against a building left to die. The flesh on his back was a bloody mess. Those wounds alone should have killed him. When I pried the nails from his hands and lowered him down the only word he spoke was her name."

"Oh." What more could I say. I found some time alone in my room and found myself crying. I found some time to write of this morning's events.

I went back to the parlor. The weather outside had turned foul and there was no escape. Richard and Elizabeth have still not come out. I sought out my uncle to offer myself. My Uncle questioned me as to what I knew of the incident and I told him that it was I that found Andrew with Elizabeth and all that occurred. They were all greatly relieved that Elizabeth had not been, harmed. The word rape was not spoken. We were been joined by my Aunt, Elizabeth's parents and the Bingley's. Mr. Bennett was very quiet. Mrs. Bennett commented that the sight of her new son in laws powerful response to her daughters assault had her quite in the flutters. Jane blushed. She was anxious to see to her sister's well being.

The day progressed slowly with no word from Richard until the late afternoon. By then we were all on pins and needles, anxious to see that they were well. Richard and Elizabeth appeared in time for tea. Jane, Georgiana, Mrs. Bennett, Alicia and my Aunt all hovered around Elizabeth asking if she was well. Elizabeth assured them all that she was fine. She wore a gown with long sleeves and a high neck; no one could see her bruises. My Aunt turned to Richard and hugged him. I heard her whisper, "My baby boy, what a great man you have become." Richard kissed her cheek and soothed her. "You will never go to war again, please promise me." Richard nodded, "I made that promise to Elizabeth. Do not fear."

Elizabeth and Richard stood or sat next to each other the entire evening. They never parted, always touching. I do not know what occurred between them, but they were inseparable. The evening was somewhat tense. So many had questions but none had the right or the courage to ask. When the time came to retire I did so, thankful for the peaceful reassuring sound of Richard and Elizabeth's lovemaking in the room next door. How did that happen to me? How did the love between them become a grounding force for me? I heard him say to her, "No one touches you, no one harms you for you are mine. My wife, my lover, mine. And any children, mine, my babies." I heard Elizabeth cry out to him, "say it again." Richard's deep baritone rumbled, " Elizabeth, you are mine."

That phrase sent shivers down my spine.


	10. Chapter 10

November 6th.

The following day was still somewhat tense. After breakfast the ladies met in my Aunt's private sitting room. I do not know what they discussed. Georgiana will not tell me.

My Uncle, Richard, and I met in my Uncle's study. My Uncle reveled to us the disaster that was my cousin Andrew's life. His estate, Gandly was bankrupt. Andrew had sold off the art, the furniture, the silver and treasures of the estate. His gambling debts and his wife's extravagance had destroyed them. Antonia had refused to take Andrew into their bed. Andrew had visited far to many whores. Infection and addiction had ruined him. And there is no way out of the marriage unless he pays back Antonia's dowry. When Andrew learned that Richard was to marry he started threatening to take Richard's children, as they were his heirs. My Uncle begged that Richard forgive him for hiding Andrew's threats from him, "If anything should have happened to Elizabeth I would never forgive myself."

Richard responded in a quiet hush, "Something did happen to Elizabeth. Andrew hurt her."

Richard asked if Andrew really did have a right to his children. My Uncle nodded. He had met with his solicitor during Richard's honeymoon to investigate Andrew's threats. As long as Richard is alive, Elizabeth and her children would be safe but if anything were to happen to Richard she would be vulnerable. Richard stared out the window and was quiet for quite some time. Finally he spoke, "Father, I have taken a great risk. I have risked Elizabeth's happiness. I married Elizabeth even though I carry a threat to my wellbeing. I still have this piece of metal loose in my chest. I believe that Elizabeth's love will keep me well. I believe that I will grow old with her. But, the pain reminds me daily that my life may be limited. I told Elizabeth that she should not love me, that she should find another. She told me that she would rather spend one day as my wife rather than to not know my love. I must find a way to protect her. I need to know if you will stand with me or with Andrew."

My Uncle gave his word that he would always stand with Richard. I promised Richard that I would do anything for him. Richard looked at me. I felt his eyes pierce my sole. He thanked me for loving his wife. Elizabeth had told him everything that had occurred between her and Andrew. She told him of my rescue of her. His hand ran up my arm and around my neck. He pulled me close resting his forehead against mine. He said, "Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for rescuing my Elizabeth. You cannot know, you cannot know what you have done. If anything had happened to her, Oh God." He left the room. I saw him moment's later pulling Elizabeth into an embrace, his hands ran down her body and he melted into her. So often I see Richard as an incredibly strong powerful man. Yet in that moment I could see his vulnerability. It shook the foundations of my reality.

That evening we gathered for music and cards. Georgiana and Elizabeth played, sometimes Jane sang with them. Alicia stayed close to me. I have found myself in deep conversation with her many times over the last few days. She and I have found a deeper friendship, a closer comradely. Alicia was shocked by not completely surprised by her brother Andrew's attack on Richard and Elizabeth. Earlier we were walking together and she started to laugh. She told me that her parents suggested that we might have a future together. I asked her what she thought about that. She laughed at me and informed me that she wished to marry for love. I could never give her that. I had to laugh for she was correct. It was good to get that conversation out of the way. Alicia and I can now be friends without any question of furthering our relationship.

Richard was somewhat subdued and seemed to watch Elizabeth closely. I wondered what was going through his mind. Charles and I spent some time talking. Our friendship has been forever altered by my actions. He no longer sees me as his mentor but more as an equal. It is actually quite a relief. Charles knows his own mind now and most of all his own heart.

Georgiana was quite comfortable around our family and our friends. Richard had told me that she was freed from her paralyzing shyness and indeed she has been. But she seems rather protective of Elizabeth. Not that I can blame her. It was agreed that I would escort Georgiana to Sandhurst next week.

So much has happened in the last few days, my life has completely altered. As I sit here and write I can hear them, Richard and Elizabeth speaking softly in the next room. I have never seen such a love. I never imagined it for myself. I do not know if I could have opened my heart to another as Richard has done. I do not think that I could ever allow myself to trust as he trusts her, to be so vulnerable. I pray that Richard's health allows him a long life with Elizabeth. Just days ago I was in a jealous rage and now I am contented. Not really. I am resolved. Elizabeth will never be my wife. She will never be mine. But I have permission to love her from Richard. I have his understanding and that fact amazes me.


	11. Chapter 11

November 14th. London.

It has been a week since Richard and Elizabeth left Matlock. I am to take Georgiana to Sandhurst. Her trunks from our London house are packed. She has written to my housekeeper at Pemberley requesting that some of her things be shipped. Georgiana is moving to Sandhurst to live permanently. It saddens me to think that she will no longer be in my care. In reality I have left her in the care of others for far to long. My father would be very disappointed in my treatment of her.

I spent a great deal of time with Georgiana in this last week. We talked as we have never before. Actually I think the difference was that I listened. Georgiana truly was duped by Wickham yet now she sees that she was just trying to overcome her loneliness. She felt like she was such a burden to me and did not want to ask for more of my time and attention. She did not understand how much I was struggling after father died. I kept my feelings so hidden from her. She ended up curled in my arms, crying. She missed me, she loved me and she was so scared that she had forever lost my good opinion. What was it I had said, my good opinion once lost is lost forever. She had taken that to heart. We have made huge steps in repairing our relationship.

I have thought about what Victor told me, that Georgiana might not be my father's daughter. Since we returned to our London home I have spent many hours reading my father's journals. What I have found troubles me. It may be true. I knew that my mother was not happy in her marriage. I rarely ever was in her presence. My father always kept me with him. He describes her treatment of me, the daily inspections when she was at Pemberley but there was no tenderness. He wrote of how she hated being pregnant with me, how she hated what the pregnancy did to her beauty. She hated laying with my father to conceive me. But she was thankful that I was a boy. Her duty as his wife was done and she would never lay with him again.

Memories of my mother come flooding back by reading Father's journals. I remember being somewhat afraid of her and her judgment. I remember her telling me the importance of my position and wealth, but never of her love for me. I remember the awful fights and arguments. I remember Mother leaving Father and staying in London most of the time. My Father wrote in his journals that Georgiana could not be his. My mother did not even attempt to trick him. When he learned that my mother was with child he confined her to Pemberley and forced her to carry the child. I learned that she had been with child many other times but it was suggested that she purposely ended her pregnancies. Those pregnancies were not from relations with my father. Father forced her to give him a child that he knew was not his. And no, he did not know who the father was. Mother died. I remember my father's grief, or was it guilt. But he was a changed man after she died. He doted on Georgiana and showered her with his love. I was jealous, that I remember vividly.

His journals opened my mind to the fact that I have always been alone. He admits that he had a difficult time giving me attention when I was a child for I represented the disappointment that was his marriage. He had thought that she loved him, that she married him not for his wealth but for who he was. Her pregnancy and my birth shattered his illusion of her. And after mother died, he could only focus on Georgiana. He admitted that he loved me, was so proud of me and feared that he had done me a disservice by not being an attentive parent. There he admitted his sin.

What shocked me even more than learning of Georgiana's parentage was the fact that for many years my father believed that George Wickham was his natural child. My father had a long-term affair with his steward's wife. Apparently it was a profoundly loving and sexual relationship. It was not until George came of age that my father confronted Mrs. Wickham and asked for the truth. Mrs. Wickham admitted that she was with child before she began her affair with my father. George was not my brother and for that I am so thankful. But my father did treat him as a son for so many years. By some deduction I determined that it was when my father learned that he was not George's natural father that he turned his attention to me. I was his heir. I was his natural son. There could be no denying it for I look so very much like my father. I was born not a year after his marriage. But he denied me his love and gave it to a boy who he thought might have been his, a boy that he could never claim. He admitted that he believed that George had been conceived in love and that made a difference to him. I had been conceived in duty and hate. He wrote that, that I had been conceived in duty and hate. Those words rip through me. Is that why I am such a hateful man? Is that why I am denied love, why I do not deserve love?

Tomorrow I am taking Georgiana to Sandhurst to live with a man who was conceived in love. Richard will lay with his wife and conceive their children in love. And again I will face the woman that I can never have, yet will always love. I can never take another woman to my bed. I would never love another woman and I will not conceive a child without love. I will not doom another to my fate.

This will mean that Georgiana's son will be my heir. And she is not of my father's blood. The Darcy line ends with me.


	12. Chapter 12

November 18th.

We are at Sandhurst. When our carriage arrived Elizabeth and Richard greeted us with great joy at the gate. Richard gave Georgiana a hug and then shook my hand, his other hand on my shoulder. He was beaming with delight. Elizabeth and Georgiana immediately fell into conversation and went up to Georgiana's rooms. Truit took Victor in hand and I know not where they went. Jenny Hill took my hat, gloves and coat and Richard escorted me into his home. He was so happy. "Do you believe that I, the wandering homeless soldier should have all of this? A loving wife, a hearth and home to rest my weary bones in. Look at all of this. Elizabeth and I have been unpacking, rearranging furniture and painting. I have actually been painting walls. We hung a watercolor over the mantel last night. She was measuring and I marked the spot. I never imagined that settling into a home could be so much fun. But with Elizabeth, how could it not?"

I had to agree. Georgiana and Elizabeth appeared and my sister insisted on a tour of the house. Richard took Elizabeth's hand and led the way. There was the main room, a parlor and music room combined, the dining room, a study and another smaller parlor. There was a door to the kitchens, laundry, Truit's rooms and workroom. The stairs led up to a floor of bedrooms. Georgiana showed me her room first, painted in a soft blue with white trim. She had a shared bath. There were two guest rooms, one designated as mine. I noticed that my trunk was there. The room was done in warm earth tones accented by a deep forest green. Down the hall, Richard and Elizabeth's rooms. They did not show me in but described a bedroom, a bath and another room that they designated a future nursery. There was another set of stairs leading to the third floor, servant's quarters, etc. Richard pointed out a lovely window seat at the end of the hall overlooking the gardens. I could see a stable in the back, a green house and rows of raised beds, fruit trees. "Much better than city living. There is a garret over the stable and stalls for up to four horses." I was impressed.

Elizabeth suggested that I take some time to refresh myself. We would meet for tea in half an hour. I went to my rooms. Victor was nowhere in site. So I fended for myself. There was a bath between the two guest rooms. I was amazed. Richard had found a home with plumbing, very modern. There was a slight tap on my door, Georgiana. She wanted to show me her room, to assure me that she was in the very best situation. Her room was lovely and looked out over the gardens. There was a bare tree outside her window. Georgiana told me it was a cherry tree. She escorted me down to the main parlor and showed me the piano that Richard had purchased for her and Elizabeth. His home was lovely, warm and inviting. I felt very much at ease, relaxed. I could hear laughter from down the hall. Elizabeth entered carrying a tray filled with tea things. Richard followed with a large pot. "It seems Truit, Victor and Jenny are taking a bit of unscheduled leave. They are all in the midst of some joke." I watched as Elizabeth poured the tea and arranged our plates. Richard eased his body into a large armchair and when all was served I watched as Elizabeth sat on the arm of the chair. He drank the last of his tea and eased his arm around his wife, pulling her into his lap. "What do you think, Darcy? Will it do?"

I could only smile, nod and admit that he would be the envy of any man.

As I ready for bed in my cousin's home I am finding that my heart is filled. Elizabeth has created a home for my sister, my cousin and for me. She has clearly made an effort to create a space that I would be comfortable and welcome. I have a home, and indeed it is in Elizabeth's heart.


	13. Chapter 13

December 15th. Pemberley.

I am so lonely. I have been away from Sandhurst now for four weeks and will not be able to return for two more. I am at Pemberley. It clearly is not a home, but a grand estate in which I sometimes reside. I was remiss when I was away and have much work to make up. Being busy helps the loneliness. There are accounts to review, tenants to meet, projects to oversee. So much I have neglected. I have weeks of work to catch up on. I will not be an absent landlord. Pemberley deserves my attention. Yet it is so far from Richard and Elizabeth.

I have visited Firelake and met with Richard's steward. Richard has asked that I help him keep an eye on the place. Richard has a working farm, a stable and horse breeding business there. Plus there are tenants that occupy the main house. It is quite an impressive enterprise. The steward was a former Lieutenant of Richard's and his loyalty to my cousin is unquestionable. Richard's investment is quite secure.

In a week I will go to London and meet with my solicitor. Georgiana has agreed to stay with me for a weekend. I have seen to procuring tickets to an opera for her. Then I will go to Sandhurst for Christmas. I long to see my cousin and his wife. I long for that feeling of being home.


	14. Chapter 14

March 23rd.

I am finally here, visiting Georgiana at Sandhurst. I have been gone for six weeks. I did see Georgiana last weekend when she visited me in London. I took her to an opera matinee. Every time I see her I am astounded by her growth, her increasing confidence and grace. Elizabeth has done well by her.

When I arrived Victor immediately set my room to sorts and sought out Truit. The two of them have become great friends. I noticed immediately a different atmosphere in the home, the walls seemed to tremble in joy. Richard was not home as of yet. Elizabeth was in the dining room, setting the table. She smiled and greeted me, "William, I am so pleased that you could come this weekend. Georgiana and Richard were so happy to get your note that you were coming." I noticed that there were places for six and asked who would be joining us. Richard's parents were coming.

She directed me to go to the small parlor for tea and that Georgiana would meet me there. Georgiana found me and was chattering and animated. She seemed so much more comfortable with me. Elizabeth entered the small parlor with a tray of tea things and joined us. I had become comfortable around her, and noticed that I only felt joy in her presence. There was something different about her. Something that peaked my curiosity, but I am always intrigued by her. Elizabeth asked after my wellbeing, and informed me of how much Georgiana appreciated her time with me. Georgiana blushed. There was a book of poetry on the table, Blake. Elizabeth and I immediately fell into discussion and debate over the themes. Elizabeth's intelligence and insight has always thrilled me. I love that we are now friends.

I heard a commotion at the door. Elizabeth's face said it all. Richard was home and she politely excused herself. I peaked out the door and watched her fly to him and greet him with kisses. She fussed over him, taking his hat, gloves and coat and held his face in her hands, rising on her tiptoes, kissing him passionately. She was scolding him, telling him to go and wash. He grabbed her neck and kissed her again. He pushed her against the hall wall and ran his hands over her. She pressed into him. I made a noise in my throat and coughed.

Richard pulled away and hissed, "Damn you Darcy."

Elizabeth was blushing brilliantly and smiled that impish dimpled grin. "Can you not allow a man to properly greet his wife?"

Richard excused himself and Elizabeth smoothed her gown and hair. "Please excuse us. He has been away all day."

I whispered to her, "It pleases me to see my cousin so very happy."

Her eyes met mine questioning, "Really, you are really happy for him?"

"Of course Elizabeth."

"Oh." She darted down the hall to follow Richard. Does she still not believe in my admiration of her? I returned to Georgiana and again we were interrupted. My Aunt and Uncle had arrived. Georgiana greeted them and went to get more tea things. I expressed my surprise for their visit and they told me that Richard has specifically asked them to come; he had an announcement to make. I wondered what it was. My Uncle opened a cabinet and helped himself to a decanter of port. He offered me a glass. "I am surprised that you are here and so relaxed."

"Georgiana is here, I visit often, at least every few weeks when I am in London."

"So you have stopped glaring at my daughter."

I quietly asked, "Do I glare at Elizabeth?"

My Uncle's expression said it all, "I guess I do. I confess that she mesmerizes me. Richard is a lucky man."

"Your expression is not always one of admiration but of judgment or distain. Sometimes I think that you covet my son's wife, sometimes I think that you despise her. Given what has occurred between them and the Viscount, I am wary and your loyalty is needed. So what is it?"

"Richard has my loyalty. As for my glaring, I think I am just jealous of his good fortune. I have nothing but admiration and respect for Richard's wife. She is lovely."

My Uncle humphed and drank his port. Georgiana was watching me closely as she spoke to my Aunt. Apparently she knew of the announcement but would not say more.

Richard and Elizabeth entered. Richard had changed cloths. He had a look of satisfaction on him that I recognized as a man sated. Elizabeth blushed when I met her eye. Could it be that they had quickly exchanged a moment of bliss. Richard went to his mother and kissed her cheek. Uncle Edward beheld Elizabeth's hands and kissed her palms, kissed her cheek. He worshiped her. There was some unspoken secret in the room. The conversation was lively and playful. Richard spoke of his work, the concerns of the war. Elizabeth spoke of her work with the other ladies of the college. There was a veteran's hospital on campus and Elizabeth was there frequently. I did not know she was working yet it makes sense given her nature. She would never sit idle as others toiled or if there was need. Georgiana had been going with her and though at first I was shocked, I was proud of her. Elizabeth promised a tour of the gardens before dinner and a tour of campus gardens in the morning. The early spring bulbs were in bloom.

My Aunt Helena could no longer contain herself, "Please, please do not keep us in suspense any longer. What is your announcement?"

Richard chuckled, "I planned on telling you after dinner, perhaps with desert. But why do you not guess Mother? I can see that you know in your eyes."

I have never seen my Aunt so joyful, she was actually bouncing, "Really, Really, oh Richard, I am so happy for you."

Richard teased back, "You could actually say it Mother." He turned to a cabinet and took out champagne glasses and called for Truit. Truit came in with two bottles. I was at a loss as to what was happening. But my Uncle was beaming, smiling and took it on himself to open the champagne. Richard sat down in his big chair and reached out his hand to Elizabeth. She came to his side and he pulled her into his lap. I watched as he ran his hands down her body. His hand rested on her belly. There was a swell to her abdomen, "Yes Mother you are correct. Elizabeth and I are going to have a baby." My heart I think paused and when it chose to beat again it was pounding in my ears.

Georgiana was bouncing in her chair, laughing and clapping. "Is it not wonderful?"

Uncle Edward had finally popped the champagne and poured. Truit and Victor both joined our celebrations. Edward passed out the glasses, so proud and giddy. He proposed a toast to the most lovely, most beautiful woman he had ever met, save his wife of course and to her health and well being. And to the baby, to Richard's good fortune, to the baby's health…he could not stop until finally Richard silenced him by drawing Elizabeth further into his arms and kissing her in front of us all. Elizabeth cuddled into his body and I watched as his hand rested on her belly, her's moving his hands to a certain spot. Richard smiled and beamed. "Father come and feel, feel my child's movement." Edward knelt in front of them and Elizabeth placed his hands where Richard's had been. "Oh my." My Aunt was there in a flash of movement. She too was feeling the baby and Elizabeth was just blushing and cuddling shyly into Richard's arms.

Georgiana's arms snaked into mine. "I am sorry I could not tell you last week but Richard wanted to wait and let the family know all at once. Letter's leave today for Longbourn."

My Aunt asked, "How far along do you believe you are?"

Elizabeth blushed and nodded to Richard, "We believe that we may have conceived on our honeymoon. If that is the case than Elizabeth is five months along."

"Oh."

I heard Elizabeth whisper to my Aunt, "I had my courses right before the wedding and not since."

My Aunt smiled, "I have suspected for some time. I am so happy. Finally after all these years I will be a grandmother."

Richard shifted Elizabeth's weight, nuzzling her neck, "I knew the moment we conceived, the love that we shared was so great that I can not imagine it not being so." Richard and Elizabeth's baby had been conceived in love and that made me so happy. Yet pain wrenched my heart. I had to look away.

Elizabeth was cuddled in Richard's arms. She reached up and smoothed the hair off of Richard's forehead. She teased him, "Dear husband, you just think you know of the moment. I will believe that you are correct if only to make you happy." She laughed and turned to Richard's parents, "He believes that the baby will be a boy and have my eyes. I think he is wrong. It will be a boy with his blue eyes. Such terrible arguments we are having." Richard nuzzled her hair and breathed.

Truit poked his head in the door announcing that dinner would be ready in thirty minutes. Elizabeth rose and invited my aunt and Georgiana to walk in the gardens and look at the spring blooms. Richard stood at the window and watched them walking. His father stood at his side. "You have made your mother and me so very happy, so very proud."

Richard shook his head, "No father, Elizabeth has made us all so very happy. Look at her, see how she glows."

"Indeed. She looks well."

"Just a touch of nausea at the beginning but yes, she is well. Pregnancy agrees with her."

"You are well?"

"I have Elizabeth and a baby coming, how could I not be well?"

Truit came to his side and whispered in his ear, handing him a dispatch. "Ahh, work never ends." He opened the pages and read quickly than excused himself. "What is that about?" Truit responded to my Uncle, "His expertise is often requested."

My Uncle and I returned to conversation about family, how the estates were fairing. We spoke briefly about the painful subject of Andrew. It was distressing so we started talking about crop rotations and yields. My Uncle started to smile and I noticed him watching the ladies walking in the garden. "Elizabeth will be like the earth, ripening all summer for a fall harvest. The greatest harvest yet, my grandchild. Your Aunt suspected. I have a gift for her. Somehow I don't think she likes the gifts of jewels yet they are what she deserves. I had my mother's diamond and amethyst earrings reset into something more delicate for Elizabeth. They will match the choker I gave her. The way she blushes when I give her things makes me only want to give her more and more."

I watched her walking in the gardens, bending down to cut some blossoms, daffodils. Elizabeth paused to show Georgiana something about a blossom and I watched them laugh. Elizabeth looked over her shoulder at the house. She was lost in thought as she stared at the house. I followed her gaze; she was looking at Richard who was standing near the window of his study. I could see him bent over his desk. Something was wrong. Truit was at his side. Elizabeth handed the bouquet and scissors off to Georgiana and ran towards the house. She slid into the long doors of the study and into Richard's arms. I watched her as she lowered him into a chair. Truit had a vial. Richard was shaking his head refusing whatever it contained. He was cupping Elizabeth's face and assuring her that he was well. She rested her head in his lap and he was stroking her hair. Something was terribly wrong.

Truit came into the parlor and announced that dinner was delayed and offered to pour more champagne. Georgiana and my Aunt came in and were arranging the blossoms in a vase. My Uncle asked what was the delay and Truit responded that the dispatch required immediate response. Yet from the window I could see into the study and Richard was just sitting there with Elizabeth.

Finally dinner was announced and I watched as Richard and Elizabeth entered the dining room. Richard pulled out her chair and settled himself. Elizabeth was watching him closely. Dinner was lovely and during desert my Uncle handed Elizabeth a velvet bag. "Oh, Edward, please, you are far to generous with me. I do not deserve all of this." Edward smiled, "Yes you do. Open it." Elizabeth opened the bag and held the earrings in her hand. Richard smiled and watched her as she looked at them with amazement. Edward said, "They are part of the Fitzwilliam jewels, they belong to you."

"Please tell me that you are as generous with your other daughters as you are with me."

Edward nodded, "I am as generous as each deserves. The amethysts suit you. I believe we will move on to emeralds next. What do you think Richard?"

"Elizabeth will look lovely in anything that you give her Father."

Elizabeth teased, "I agreed to marry a poor soldier. Somehow I think that you deceived me. I do not know if I would have agreed to marry you if I had known that you were so rich."

Richard smiled back at her, "It is you who make me rich, Elizabeth and don't you forget it."

Elizabeth blushed and gave him that smile that I know is his and his alone.

"Elizabeth I wish to hear you play for me tonight. Perhaps you and Georgiana could entertain us with a duet." She nodded and rose from the table. My Aunt and Georgiana followed her out.

Richard rose to pour the port. He scolded his father, "You really should not embarrass her like that. Just sneak your gifts into her jewelry box with a little note as I do and you will get away with being much more generous."

"So you just leave your gifts around for her to stumble upon."

"Yes, wait until you hear her play. I bought her a harp. I had it delivered while she was out and never said a word. She just walked into the music room to find it there. She asked me where it came from and I simply teased that I thought it had always been there. I was very well rewarded for my gift and its delivery."

My Uncle chuckled at Richard's implication. I blushed. Uncle asked, "How long have you suspected that she was with child?"

"I told you that I knew right away, on our honeymoon. I told her one night at the sea cottage that I wished to make a baby. Maybe we did, maybe it happened later but I have believed it ever since. The night was unbelievably intimate. But Elizabeth would not believe, not until she felt the child move. Even though she had missed her courses, even though she was nauseated every morning, even though her body started to change, she denied it until she could be sure. She came to me and asked me to put my hands on her and said, 'Darling I think that we may have made a baby.' I just had to laugh, 'Of course we did.' She was a little disappointed that I was not surprised."

My Uncle said, "Your Mother has been watching Elizabeth very closely, commenting on what she eats, the circles under her eyes, the fullness of her face. Mother has been so sure. She has already started shopping. She has a crib picked out. She knows of a reputable woman to be a wet nurse. She wants only the best for her grandchild.

Richard shook his head, "Oh dear, we will have an argument there. Elizabeth will not have a wet nurse and I doubt she will have a nurse at all until we have a house full. Elizabeth insists upon it."

"Well she will have to argue that with Mother."

"Do you really think Mother could win any argument with Elizabeth? Mother will be squashed like a bug if she tries to interfere with Elizabeth and our baby. Warn her not to push."

"Oh dear."

"Father, before we join the ladies, I must speak with you about a serious matter. I wish you to cease giving gifts of the Fitzwilliam jewels to Elizabeth. It will only anger Andrew and Antonia. The law is clear. My son by Elizabeth is Andrew's heir. I do not want to magnify his ire upon my Elizabeth. Our situation is bad enough. He had his solicitor send a threat and he does not even know of Elizabeth's pregnancy. Hence, I have taken action to protect my family. I purchased Andrew's debts. I made him a promise, not a threat. If he moves against my wife or child I will throw him into debtors prison."

My Uncle shook his head in amazement, "You did not tell me, I could have helped."

Richard looked at my father, "I will not ask you to move against your son."

My Uncle snapped, "You are my son, my beloved son."

Richard scolded his father, "You can not love one son and not the other. I will not have you in the middle of our dispute. Andrew is your heir not I."

My Uncle actually snarled, "If I could change that fact if I would."

"Don't you ever let him hear that. Come, I am missing my wife. We will talk more of this some other time."

We returned to the parlor and Elizabeth eased to Richard's side. He sat in his big chair and she handed him a cup of tea. He pulled her to his lap and they laughed as he nearly spilled the tea. Elizabeth gently ran her hands threw Richard's hair and kissed his lips. "What shall I play for you, my darling?"

"That duet that you have been working on with Georgiana."

Elizabeth went and stood at the harp. Georgiana sat at the piano and they began to play. It was lovely. The music washed over me and I watched as Richard closed his eyes and rest his head back. He held his hands steeple in front of him and he slowly opened his eyes to a slit and watched Elizabeth. A smile was faint upon his face. Elizabeth and Georgiana were watching each other, playing beautifully. They began to sing, it was music to Richard's favorite sonnet. I watched as Richard breathed. His breathing seemed shallow and somewhat pained. I worried, something was wrong with him. Georgiana played alone. Elizabeth sat on the arm of Richard's chair and ran her fingers threw his hair watching him.

As I ready for bed I write in this journal and I reflect of all that has occurred. My father's journals speak of the hate and loathing my mother had for me when she was pregnant. Elizabeth rejoices in her baby. I wonder if somehow the baby can already know her love. I realize that I am not only jealous of Richard, I am jealous of this baby. He or she rests inside of Elizabeth's love, content and cared for. I never had that.

March 24th

I awoke to the sound of singing. Elizabeth was walking down the hall singing as I poked my head out. She caught me smiling at her and she smiled back. I asked her what was making her so happy and she laughed and caught my hands in hers. "Richard is well, our home is filled with dear friends and I have not thrown up."

I had to laugh back, "Am I, am I Elizabeth. Am I a dear friend?"

She nodded, "Yes, yes you are. I hope that you know that. Richard loves you. He needs you and I think you need him. Do we not have lovely times together?" She suddenly gasped and leaned against the wall. I asked her, "Are you well?" She had tears in her eyes but was smiling. She grabbed my hand and pressed it against her belly. I could feel movement, "The baby is very active this morning. I am going to give Richard a child. That makes me so happy."

Elizabeth had called me William during this visit. No longer was I the cold Mr. Darcy. Finally we were passed the awkwardness of my botched up proposal. And I was touching her. I smiled and looked at her. She was so beautiful. She was glancing down at her body, running her hands over her stomach and smiling. I was finally a part of Richard's family. Elizabeth had let me in and trusted me.

Earlier today was filled with revelations about Richard and Elizabeth's love affair. I have so much to learn about love, about my own heart. Richard and I were walking together in the park at Sandhurst. The ladies were up ahead with my Uncle. Richard seemed quiet. He was watching Elizabeth closely. I asked him what was on his mind and he startled.

"You find me lost in my favorite repast. I am watching her. Look at her, so beautiful, so lovely. Just watching her movements, her laughter, the way she is with my parents and Georgiana – it all brings me such joy, such contentment."

I saw Elizabeth pointing out some blossoms to my Aunt and heard Richard chuckle. "Have you ever seen something as beautiful as Elizabeth?"

I answered no and I asked, "When was it that you knew you were in love with her?"

Richard laughed, "I have a home, a wife and I never ever thought I would be blessed with all of this. I thought that some day I might resign and I could live on my estate, raising horses. I thought that I would remain alone all of my days. My life changed in one moment. Do you remember that day when we went to the parsonage and you introduced me to Elizabeth?" I nodded, "Her eyes met mine and I was gone. She smiled and in that moment I knew, I was in love with her. Surely you could hear my heart pounding. I knew she was my future within one minute of meeting her. You ask when I knew that I loved her, the very moment that my eyes met hers."

"You wrote that she gave you a lock of her hair in Kent. Were you courting her then?"

"Yes and no. I told her that I had to go to France and that upon my return I would wish to see her again. That was all the commitment I felt I had the right to ask, to make. I could not ask for more. The wind was blowing her hair around and I could not resist touching a loose lock. She asked me if I would wish to cut a token. She gave her heart to me in that act. I did not mean to take it. She was surprised herself how much it meant to her. She commented that it seemed I had cut out her heart and taken it away with me for she was missing a piece of herself until I returned to her. Let me show you." Richard pulled out his pocket watch and opened it. Inside the cover there was a fold of paper. Richard unfolded it carefully. There was a curl of chocolate. "I carried this with me when I was captured. It was with me and gave me the strength to survive. I knew I had something very precious to live for."

I knew of what Truit had told me. Richard had the lock of hair with him while he was being tortured, nailed to some horrid wall and beaten. Elizabeth carried him through that.

Richard's voice interrupted my musing. He was watching Elizabeth, "And now Elizabeth is carrying my child. I have even more to live for."

When I asked Elizabeth to marry me she had already given her heart to my cousin. I never had a chance. Richard asked me if the conversation caused me pain. He was sorry that he did not realize that I had feelings for her. I cannot hide my feelings from him, "Yes, for I realize what a fool I was. I never had a chance. I was completely blind to what was happening between the two of you. I thought only of myself. And no, it causes me joy for I am happy for you."

Richard patted me and nodded, "William, I truly did not that you had feelings for her. I do not think I would have altered my course if I had known. I really had no say in the matter. One look from her and I was lost. Not even for you would I give her up. This may sound very strange, but now I am very glad that you love her." He looked at me.

I was so confused, "How can you stand to have another man love your wife?"

And he asked, "How can you stand to have Elizabeth love me the way she does? How can you stand to visit us, be with us and share our joys? Because you love her. Because you cannot stay away from her. And I understand that. I trust you William, I trust you to love and respect my wife. "

I look back at the end of the day at that conversation. I think back to the evening of my proposal and the days leading up to it. I would happen upon Richard and Elizabeth walking together in the groves at Rosings. I would see them conversing at tea. I can look back and remember seeing that smile on Elizabeth's face for the first time, that shy sweet smile where she presses her lips together and her dimples show at the corner of her mouth. It was Richard's smile. And I was blind to it all. I asked her to marry me despite her inferiority, and unworthiness. Richard never saw her as anything other than a treasure. He loved her from the moment he met her and was certain of his love. I fell in love with her but had to convince myself to act on it. And the love I had for her then is nothing compared to what I feel for her now.

I have lived with Elizabeth's rejection for eleven months now and her marriage for five months. I have grown. I am a better man now. I know myself better. And I know that I shall never love another woman as I love Elizabeth.


	15. Chapter 15

April 14th. London.

I have been in London now for two weeks. I did return to Kent to visit my Aunt Catherine for Easter as I always do. It was horrible. Aunt Catherine ranted on and on about Richard's choice of a wife. She could not fathom why Richard would have married a woman of such inferior connections, especially when he could have had any number of wealthy ladies of the ton anxious to marry the son of an Earl. Many would be pleased to marry a second son, and many more would find it attractive, as the Viscount had not yet produced an heir. To be the mother of the heir of the Matlock fortune was a very attractive incentive.

I listened to her prattle on and I realized that she was speaking utter nonsense. She was speaking of Richard marriage as though it was a business arrangement. She had the audacity to spout that it was unfortunate that the wife was already with child and an annulment could not be arranged, for she had a list of very eligible candidates.

I reminded my Aunt that the wife had a name, Elizabeth and that the marriage was based in love. I even teased my Aunt saying that Elizabeth might have rejected Richard if she had known of his wealth. Lady Catherine does not take kindly to teasing.

Worst of all I realized that her actions, her words and her sentiments were once mine. What an ass I was. What an ass I still am. I should not get cocky now.

Aunt Catherine pushed me to settle a wedding date with my cousin Anne. For once and for all it was settled. I sat them both down and firmly spoke my mind. I would never marry, and if I did wish it, I would never marry Anne. My Aunt was incensed; the temper tantrum that followed was enormous. Her steward calculated the property damage in the hundreds of pounds. I reviewed the accounts and the reports for the year. And I left. I did pay my respects to Mr. and Mrs. Collins. I have a letter and package to deliver to Elizabeth from Mrs. Collins.

During the two weeks between my trip to Kent and my visit to Sandhurst I tried out my old life. I went to the house were I had sought relief from my sexual urges before. None of the women held any attraction to me. I tried to go with a pretty voluptuous blond, the opposite of Elizabeth. Once we entered her chamber I realized that I just could not do it. She lay there and spread her legs for me. I could feel my body respond but I just couldn't do it. I left. Elizabeth has ruined me for all others.

May 30th. Sandhurst.

What a joy it is to be here again. What a feeling of homecoming and welcome. I have been gone for six weeks. My carriage was sent ahead and I rode up on Ageus. I entered through the back alley to the stables. This allowed me to observe the ladies for some time before they realized I was there. Elizabeth was working in the garden, picking lettuces and vegetables, weeding. Georgiana was sitting on the swing that Richard had hung. I heard Georgiana ask Elizabeth about a passage in her book. Elizabeth stood to walk over to Georgiana. I gasped. She was wearing those damn housedresses that she always wears. They are so light, so simple and pretty. The fastenings are just a simple tie, so easy to remove. Her figure was so slim, so slight yet when she turned I could see her silhouette in the afternoon light. I could feel my body stir at the sight of her. I am so ashamed.

The baby had grown. Her belly was so large. She wore her hair pulled away from her face with a ribbon and than gathered in a braid down her back. She moved with grace despite her pregnancy. I don't think I have ever really seen a pregnant woman. They are always so hidden. Elizabeth sat next to Georgie on the swing. Elizabeth kicked off the earth and they began to swing together. I could hear their laughter. The image was enchanting.

I made my presence known, calling a greeting to them. Georgie leapt from the swing and ran to my arms. Elizabeth followed and actually kissed my cheek in greeting. She was so happy to see me, so happy that I had come. She reminded me that Richard's birthday was the following day and she had feared that I would miss the festivities. They each took an arm and led me up to the patio. Elizabeth poured me a glass of cool lemonade and motioned for me to take a chase in the shade. She apologized for her appearance but continued to work in the garden. We talked about so many subjects, family, Pemberley, plans for the summer. I was concerned as I watched her work, but she seemed so strong, so healthy. Occasionally I would see her touch her belly and she noticed. "The baby is quite active right now." She actually took my hand and allowed me to feel. Her belly was hard and firm but I could feel a fluttering sensation and then a firm kick. Elizabeth laughed. Our eyes met and I could not help but say, "You look so beautiful." She blushed.

There was a tinkling of bells at the back gate and she gasped, "Richard is home." I watched as Elizabeth ran down the path, actually jumping over her baskets to reach Richard. She flew into his arms, greeting him with kisses. I could see Richard smile and run his hands over his wife and baby. Elizabeth was speaking to him softly. Richard kissed her lips and to my astonishment, he bent and kissed her belly. It was a glimpse into their intimacy.

They walked up to the patio and Richard greeted me. Elizabeth guided him to a chase near mine and handed him a cool glass of lemonade as she had done for me. But she also eased Richard's coat off of him, took his necktie and set those aside. She pulled off his boots, his socks and even rubbed his feet for him. Richard just smiled and chatted as Elizabeth asked about his day. After they had talked for a bit Elizabeth left us, gathering her vegetable basket and Richard's things. Once they were inside Richard started to laugh, "You will think me foolish. I love to leave her and go to work for this is a but a sample of what awaits my return. I was only gone for a few hours. I am the most pampered, spoiled man in all of England. What you must think of me."

"I think you are very lucky."

Richard and I talked about his work for some time. I noticed that Georgiana came out and was setting a table under the maple tree. Elizabeth walked out carrying a tray followed by Jenny, the maid. Elizabeth suggested that we go and wash up for dinner. Richard informed me that they were quite casual, to leave my coat behind. I did. Richard actually had rolled up his trouser pant legs and was walking barefoot with Elizabeth in the grass. Dinner was informal, a lovely salad made of the vegetables that Elizabeth had picked. There were sandwiches, fruit and cheese. It was too hot to cook. Afterwards we sat in the cool evening air. Jenny came and collected the dishes. Richard asked me if I was planning on spending the summer at Pemberley. I did not know what to say, for I dreaded being away from them for so long. Pemberley was three days travel. He suggested that if I were to go that I should take Georgiana with me, for the heat at Sandhurst would be intolerable. I told him that I would speak to Georgiana about it.

And so I did. Georgie and I talked and now I find myself in a state of anticipation that I have never felt before. Sandhurst closes down for the months of July and August. Georgiana's ladies college closes down. It is too hot and muggy. Georgiana told me that Richard had originally intended on taking Elizabeth to Matlock or Firelake for the summer. He cannot return to Matlock because of the situation with Andrew. I need to find out more about that. And his tenants at Firelake are expecting a child. He does not wish to evict them at this time. So they will stay at Sandhurst. Georgiana asked me if I would invite them to Pemberley for the summer. And so I did.

Richard deferred to Elizabeth. She was pensive. "It is not just Richard and I that you are inviting. The baby is to come during that time. If we were to come to Pemberley it is there that I would deliver our baby. Are you sure you are up to that?"

Yes, yes, I assured them that yes, Pemberley would be up to the task. I have just written to Mrs. Reynolds.

May 31st. Sandhurst.

It was Richard's birthday today. He is 33. He came down to breakfast late with a grin on his face that spoke volumes. Elizabeth came into the dining room with a smile, and a tray of cinnamon rolls. She poured Richard's coffee; she doted on him, pampering him.

During the day Elizabeth and Georgiana were busy with mysterious affairs. Richard and I went riding in the late afternoon. When we came back Truit sent Richard up to his rooms to change. A bath was prepared for him. I could here Elizabeth giggling and Richard's laughter. They were bathing together. After my bath I went downstairs. Georgiana motioned me to be quiet. There in the parlor were Richard's parents, his sister and many of his friends. She asked me to come help her. There were Chinese lanterns to light and buckets of ice to move. A signal came from upstairs and with hushed giggles everyone moved out to the patio. Bottles of champagne were opened. Drinks were poured. Elizabeth came flying down the stairs, dressed in a beautiful simple yellow gown; tiny white flowers were embroidered on the hem, the sleeves and bodice. There were flowers in her hair. God, she looked so beautiful.

We could hear Truit telling Richard that Elizabeth had asked that he to go to the icehouse before dinner. Richard responded, "What is my wife up to?" Out he came to cheers and laughter. Elizabeth was smiling. Richard immediately came to her, picking her up and kissing her, "You, you silly adorable wife."

Never have I been to such a lovely party. It was so relaxed. The food was simple, cool and refreshing. There was ice cream served over tart berry pastries. Elizabeth, Georgiana and Jenny Hill had prepared it all. Truit and Jenny were part of the party, enjoying the festivities beside my Uncle, the Earl. I noticed that my cousin Alicia stayed very close to a Colonel Davidson. Richard informed his father that Davidson was a very good man, a good choice for Alicia. I also noticed many young officers paying close attention to Georgiana. That worried me, reminded me of Wickham. Elizabeth must have sensed it; she said to me, "We are watching, she is quite safe with them. Do not fear."

There was a trio of musicians that played. There was dancing and singing. The Chinese lanterns, flowers, music all merged to create a whimsical happy mood. I danced with Georgiana and Alicia. Richard only danced with Elizabeth. But she danced with my Uncle, some of Richard's friends and once with me. I could not help but tell her how beautiful she was, how lovely. She blushed.

At the end of the evening everyone sang to Richard, a happy birthday song. After his guests left my Uncle, Richard and I were in his study talking. Uncle Edward asked, "Did you know what she had planned?"

"No, I knew she was up to something. This was lovely. Father how, how on earth did I deserve to be so blessed with Elizabeth?"

"That I do not know. Did she give you a gift?"

Richard nodded, smiling sheepishly, "I woke to the gift of her love. Plus, this." He pulled out a watch. It was new. "My old pocket watch was quite bashed. I still have it of course. But it does not keep time and cannot be repaired. Look." He opened it and inside there was a miniature of Elizabeth framed by a braid of hair. "One of the students at Sandhurst did this for her. He loves to draw her. And this, this is Elizabeth's hair and mine braided together. She says that next year she will add a strand of the baby's hair." I watched as his fingers trembled as he touched the braid. "It represents how her heart, her soul, her body are bound to me." I watched as a tear fell from his face. "My last birthday I was courting her. Now, on my 33rd birthday I know complete happiness, peace. I have Elizabeth and a child on its way. I could not ask for anything more."

Truit poked his head into the study, "The ladies have retired."

Richard smiled, "Excuse me, Good night Father, Good night William." He left. I could here his footsteps running up the stairs, two at a time. He was going to Elizabeth.

My Uncle patted my shoulder, "Good night William." I was left alone. Alone. I went up to my room, the one that Elizabeth had specifically prepared for me. I could hear voices behind closed doors, the intimacy of marriage. Should I try to find someone, open my heart and mind to the possibility of love? I will not settle for anything, anyone less than Elizabeth. Could such a person exist? Would it even be fair to always be comparing this woman to Elizabeth?


	16. Chapter 16

July 28th.

Richard Thomas Fitzwilliam

This has been a most amazing day. Richard came to breakfast alone, which is rare. Elizabeth had a restless night and was sleeping. I saw them later that morning walking in the gardens. They did not venture far from the house. They would walk and pause every so often with Elizabeth resting against Richard's body. They were very quiet and subdued. Truit and Jenny were also quite mysterious. Retrospectively I see it now. Elizabeth was in labor.

Word was sent at lunch that Elizabeth was tired and would dine in her room. And again for tea. My Aunt was pacing, snapping that she knew that something was amiss, something was wrong. I went up to my room, through the sitting room and listened at the door. I could here Richard speaking to Elizabeth. He was begging her to send for the midwife. I tapped at the door and Richard poked his head out. He snapped at me and sent me away. I must admit that I sat at that door, paced in front of the door, listened at the door for what seemed like hours. I could only hear hushed tones and their voices talking. Truit and Jenny came and went. The midwife came. They would not interact with me. But Victor knew. Victor was standing at the door with me. We were too obvious for soon Georgiana and my Aunt and Uncle joined us. What an odd assortment of anxious folk, all of us gathered in the private sitting room. Finally we heard a cry, a loud cry. Shortly after Richard opened the door. Embarrassing as it was, my Uncle actually fell into the room. Richard laughed at us all and went to his wife's side. He climbed into the bed with her and cuddled her in his arms. There in Elizabeth's arms was a baby, Richard's son. There was some arguing between Richard and Elizabeth. He wanted the name Edward Thomas for the grandfathers but Elizabeth insisted on Richard, the middle name he could chose. My Aunt and Uncle were giddy. Georgiana delighted. I just stood back and wept for joy. A child who was conceived in the utmost love had been born at Pemberley. They had another six weeks before they would return to Sandhurst. Pemberley's walls would know of Elizabeth's love.

August 11th. Pemberley.

I am exhausted. I do nothing. I sleep well every night. My sleep is not disturbed but to hear my cousin describe his existence is exhausting. The baby is always with Elizabeth. Every night they awaken three or four times to feed the baby, change his nappies. Richard stays with Elizabeth and the baby is always with her. Elizabeth only spent a few days in bed before she was up walking, actually out in the gardens with the baby in her arms or in Richard's. My Aunt was shocked. Elizabeth nurses little Richard, Rick she calls him. I found her today sitting on the swing in the garden with Rick at her breast, singing to him. I have never seen such a thing, so intimate. Elizabeth's soft curve of her breast with the baby nestled into her. The baby was twisting a curl of her hair in his fingers. She is beautiful to look at. She blushed when she realized that she had been observed.

Richard tells me of the unbelievable amount of nappies the baby goes through. Richard has actually changed diapers. I asked Richard about the birth. Richard just looked off into the hills, "Elizabeth is very strong. She knows about these things, she has seen birth before. She wanted me to be there. Jenny was very good, did everything Elizabeth told her to do. The midwife was a bit of a bossy thing. Elizabeth stood for most of the labor, rarely resting until the end when she was pushing. She had a roll of cloth that she bit down on. She would rest back into my arms but finally she asked me to put my hands there, at her core. I could feel his head and she pushed him out into my hands." Richard fell into my arms and started to cry. Richard was crying. I did not know what to do except hold him up and pat his back. "William, you have no idea how beautiful he was, he is. Elizabeth gave me a child, a little boy. She put him to her breast right away and Jenny helped me to cut him from her body. Elizabeth just held him to her breast. Rick knew what he wanted, he wanted Elizabeth and he started to suckle her. She started to clean him with her tears, washing away the birth. Rick just looked at her and was in love. She guided my hands to touch his toes, his fingers, his little nose and ears. The midwife and Jenny helped with the afterbirth and then let us be. I washed Elizabeth. I washed Rick. He pissed all over me and Elizabeth laughed. I had a terrible time with his nappy but I managed. Of course the continuous tapping at the door did not help. Father nearly fell on his face."

I have never seen my cousin so happy. Today he actually stole the baby from Elizabeth commanding her to rest and was wandering the halls with his baby in his arms. My Aunt wanted to hold little Richard but no, Richard is quite possessive. The baby is two weeks old now. They are to leave Pemberley in four more weeks. If only I could convince them to stay forever.

August 14th. Pemberley.

Charles and Jane Bingley have come to Pemberley for the first time since their marriage. It is only because of Elizabeth's presence. I know that Charles has not forgiven me. Jane is with child and is radiant. She simply glows.

Jane and Elizabeth spend quite a bit of time doting over the baby and whispering together. My Aunt and Uncle spend time with their grandson. Letters have been written, invitations sent. Richard Thomas is to be christened in Pemberley's chapel in two weeks. My staff is preparing for Mr. and Mrs. Bennett will come with their three youngest daughters. Alicia and her new fiancé, Colonel Davidson will come. Plus Charlotte Collins, and some of Richard's friends. Elizabeth is concerned that they are overtaxing my hospitality. The christening will be a lovely event, of the like that has not been seen at Pemberley for at least a generation. I assure her that planning this event brings me great pleasure. My Aunt started to cry for the event should be happening at Matlock. Richard will not set foot on Matlock soil with his children due to Andrew's threats. Andrew is obviously not invited.

Richard, Charles, my Uncle and I did go riding a few times. It is hard to pry Richard from Elizabeth's side. But she says go, so go he does. He rode like a mad man. He was somewhat prickly and I commented on the fact. I teased him. And what I learned shocked me. He blurted out, "I have not made love to my wife since the baby came. She needs to heal. She has spoiled me so." Charles asked him seriously, "Surely you have abstained since learning of the baby?"

I teased him. Surely there have been days when they did not partake. He hissed back at me, "No, you don't understand. She has turned me into an addict. Never have I gone to sleep without, never woken without, never parted without making love to Elizabeth. Pregnancy never stopped us."

I responded with an "Oh my God." He grabbed my jacket and shook me, his eyes pained. "You can not imagine the passion." He stomped off, mounted his horse and rode away.

No, Richard you are so right. I cannot imagine the passion. Charles just stared at him with his mouth agape.

August 18th.

Richard is acting very funny. He is tired. He is bothered. The baby does not sleep through the night. Elizabeth needs naps. Richard was walking with the baby in his arms. He found a chase in the garden in which to rest. He lay down with the baby on his chest. Richard fell asleep. I came upon them and noticed that the baby was rooting around. Richard was out cold. I picked the baby up and cuddled him too me. The sensations of holding him were overwhelming. He started sucking on a finger and I knew, he wanted his mother. I was about to walk off when Richard woke with such a start. He fell off the chaise swearing. I had to laugh. Richard saw the baby in my arms and joined my in my frivolity.

We went up to his rooms. Elizabeth lay there asleep. I could see the white curtains fluttering in the breeze, the net of the canopy moving. I waited at the door as Richard entered quietly so as not to disturb his wife. I watched, though I know I should not have as Richard placed his baby at his wife's breast. Elizabeth moved and pulled the baby closer. Her hand reached up and caressed Richard's neck and arm. Richard kissed her. He came back to me. "I think it would be best if I just rest with my wife. I will see you later." The door closed.

I remind myself that I am a voyeur into their happiness. It is not mine. Yet I rejoice and thrill in every part that I share.

My Uncle, Richard and I met today. A dispatch from Andrew's solicitor came laying claim to the child, officially naming him as Andrew's heir. Richard was disgusted and has sent letters to his solicitor instructing him to exercise the option of placing Andrew in debtor's prison. The war between the brothers has begun.

August 28th. Pemberley.

Today was the christening. I gave instructions to Mrs. Reynolds to produce an event equal to that which would occur for the christening of my child. And so it was. There were cakes and ices, lemonade and champagne. Elizabeth looked radiant, beautiful and so happy. Richard, the proud Papa. I was asked to be Godfather, Georgiana the Godmother. I was so honored. The ceremony was lovely, even the baby seemed content. Watching this baby being christened in the Pemberley chapel was both joyous and disturbing. The happiness I felt for Richard and his family brought me such joy. Yet my senses could not help but note that such happiness would never be mine. I will never marry. I will never know the passion, the intimacy that Richard has with Elizabeth. Some day I will leave all of this to Georgiana's son. I will never love another.

Pemberley hosted thirteen guests, the Bennett's, Bingley's, and Fitzwilliam's. Mrs. Reynolds commented that in all of her years at Pemberley she could not remember such a joyous celebration. I went through my father's journals tonight. Mrs. Reynolds was correct. My christening and Georgiana's were somber affairs. There were no Christmas parties, no balls, not since the beginning of my parents' marriage. But those were my mother's doing and from my father's remembrances, I believe they were very cold, pretentious affairs.

Elizabeth has brought joy to Pemberley.

There was one incident. Andrew and Antonia tried to come. They were turned away at the gate. My people have done well to protect Richard's happiness. Richard has asked some of his men to stay and help guard his family.


	17. Chapter 17

September 2nd. Pemberley.

I walked through the halls of Pemberley today, wandered the gardens. It was so lonely. First Charles and Jane left, with all the Bennett's. This time has earned me Charles's forgiveness. I doubt we will ever be the friends we once were, but on the other hand, Charles has outgrown that friendship. The one we have now is more as equals. I will miss them all. Especially Mr. Bennett. Never did I meet a man who appreciated my library as much as he. The conversations and easy banter was refreshing. Listening to my Uncle and Mr. Bennett chatter away like old friends was wonderful. Even Mrs. Bennett and the girls were lovely. I was so, so wrong. Mrs. Bennett is at risk of her entire world vanishing when Mr. Bennett dies. She is right to worry for her daughters. Richard has assured her a home on his estate, shelter for the girls. Charles also offers refuge. She is now so much more relaxed, her anxieties eased. I should have been more understanding.

My Uncle and Aunt left for Matlock. They were so appreciative of my support, hosting the christening, offering a home for Elizabeth and Richard. If only they knew the secret fantasy that I hold in the deep recesses of my heart. My Uncle commented that it seemed that Pemberley had come alive once again. I must agree. He also said that it is good that I am ridding Pemberley of remembrances of my mother. How could he say such things about his own sister? He said, "I knew what she was before your father married her. I never should have allowed my friend to be so deceived." I told him that I had taken to reading some of his journals, trying to find answers. He asked me not to look to deeply into the past, "Live for now, find love, be happy."

Alicia left with her fiancé; they are to marry in one month. She will not marry from Matlock though because Richard would not come. They will marry from her fiancés home in London. She is so very happy.

And finally Georgiana, Elizabeth, Richard and the baby boarded a carriage home. I noticed that it was a very fine, well-sprung carriage. My Uncle bought it as a gift for Elizabeth, so that she and the baby could travel as comfortably as possible. Truit, Jenny and the luggage went in Richard's old carriage. Watching them leave left a hole in my heart big enough to pass an elephant through. I ache for them.

So I wander the halls looking for evidence that they were here. It is everywhere. Elizabeth raided the gardens for flowers. Vases overflow with whimsical bouquets rather than the pretentious arrangements my mother preferred. There were a few new needlepoint pillows in the drawing room, one with blue birds. A tiny sock was found under the sofa, a wooden rattle behind a pillow. I went into their rooms and sank my face into the pillows. The scent of Elizabeth, lavender was there. Plus the scent of Richard, sandalwood, and orange oiled leather. That was faint though. The overwhelming scent was Rick's, baby. I never realized how good babies smell, so fresh and clean.

And I found a letter from Elizabeth waiting for me in the study.

_Dear William,_

_You dear sweet man, you have given me so much. Richard was able to relax, rest and revive himself. We were given an idyllic refuge in which to bring our baby into this world. Every whim or fancy was provided. Pemberley is truly lovely. _

_I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generous hospitality, your loving care and gracious heart. _

_Richard and I had an enormous argument. You may have heard us. I wanted to honor you and give the baby your name as a middle name. Richard William Fitzwilliam. But my Richard said that was down right silly. He said your name is actually Fitzwilliam, so Richard Fitzwilliam Fitzwilliam was rather redundant. Of course he was right. I had to laugh and challenged him that I had won the argument. I guess my dear boy does bare your name after all, as his last name. Such a mouthful it is. All of my babies will bare your name, what do you think of that? _

_Thank you for being such a dear friend to my husband, my family and most of all, to me._

_Elizabeth_

What am I to do with this letter? Tuck it away in this damn journal of course. Elizabeth thanks me for my generosity when truly it is my selfish greed that wants her here at Pemberley in any way I can have her. I want her in my life. I want her. Say it; write it, I want her as my wife.

I love her, but most of all I have grown to love the woman that I now know. The woman that loves my cousin Richard with her whole being is the Elizabeth that I love. She sooths me. She sooths my heart. Watching her love and adore her husband and child heals my heart. I never realized my heart needed healing. It is somehow strange and weird. Richard's family is banishing my ghosts.

Pemberley will be lonely without them. I will finish the harvest; see to my tenants, be the dutiful master of Pemberley. I will go to London. I will visit Sandhurst. I will see my loved ones, my family.

October 2nd. London.

It has been months since I have sat and written. Richard and his family made it home safely. Georgiana went back to school. Richard suggests that she should delay her coming out for one more year, as that is her wish. I will agree. Richard is teaching, but home every day at lunch and early in the evening. Georgiana writes that the baby had grown so large, he smiles and gurgles. All of her letters are filled with baby Rick's antics.

Richard has asked for my assistance with Andrew. I am to watch over Andrew's business dealings in London. My Uncle and I have met with Richard's solicitors, my Uncle's solicitors and stewards. Andrew's assets have been taken as collateral against his debts. He can no longer sell off his goods or borrow against the estate. Antonia has been placed on a tight budget; her shopping and parties are a thing of the past. She does spread innuendo and gossip about the impropriety of Richard's wife. Andrew resides in what is essentially house arrest. He has no access to money other than a very tight allowance. His accounts have all been frozen. No invitations are extended. His is a pariah. Every so often I hear that he has come to Whites. He cannot even order a brandy there unless he has cash payment. There he ridicules his brother. Yet from the rumors that I have heard his position was taken to task. Is it not his brother's baby that will be the future of Matlock, is it not his brother that holds the keys to the coffers of Matlock. Is it not his brother whose voice is heard in Parliament? Is it not Richard Fitzwilliam who is the better man?

From what I understand Andrew has been on a binge of drinking and whoring since that confrontation. He may well die of his habits long before his father does. Richard would be the next Earl of Matlock and Elizabeth his Countess. I have written to Richard of my observations.

October 6th. Sandhurst.

I am back at Sandhurst. Georgiana has a recital tonight. It is the first time that I have seen them since they left Pemberley. I arrived just as tea was served. Richard greeted me at the door with his baby in his arms. Little Rick has grown so much. He looks very much like Richard; the eyes are the same, the golden red hair laying in curls down his neck. His cheeks are very rosy and bright. He is shy, nuzzling into his father's neck when I greeted him. He is almost three months old now.

Elizabeth greeted me with a kiss. Rick immediately wanted Elizabeth and she reached out her hands to the little boy, wiggling them for him to see, smiling at him, cooing to him. Rick started chuckling, reaching his chubby arms to her. The baby was soon quite content in his mother's arms. Elizabeth looked lovely. Somehow curvier than I remember. She smelled of lavender and honeysuckle. Could it be, she smelled so sweet.

Georgiana served tea. There were sandwiches, sliced fruit and cheese, these little cakes. Elizabeth could walk through the house with little Rick at her hip in a sling of fabric. The baby was always with her unless he was being held by Richard or Georgiana. After tea Richard spread a blanket on the floor and lay down with his baby. Rick would lift his little head and chuckle at his father. The baby could turn over and rise up on his hands. He could grip little toys. Richard played with the baby, lifting him up in the air and kissing him. It is funny to see a grown man playing with a baby, I've never heard of such a thing. I want to join in their fun but I don't know how. The baby's noises suddenly changed from happy gurgles to whimpers. Elizabeth took the baby and excused herself.

Richard spoke, "We have fallen into a routine with the baby. Elizabeth will nurse him and take a nap. She still is up at least once in the night with him. But you can see, she is the picture of health. I spend quite a bit of time playing with him. Georgiana is a huge help. She is learning everything she needs to, to be a loving wife and mother some day. Rick is three months old now. Do you realize that my first wedding anniversary is in two weeks?"

I did know, very much the day is burned into my mind, my heart.

That evening Richard, and I escorted Georgiana to her concert. She played beautifully, a solo and in a duet with a young man playing violin. I have never heard her play so passionately before. She was disappointed that Elizabeth could not come but explained that Elizabeth has not been away from Rick yet. Elizabeth is not like any other mother that I know of in our circles. Elizabeth showers the baby with love and attention.

October 7th: Sandhurst.

This morning I went to the college with Richard. I watched as he taught a mathematics class. I watched him interact with the men. There is an element of reverence and respect shown to Richard from the students and other officers. It is hard to explain. We had a light lunch with the other officers. Afterwards Richard took his men out to the obstacle course. I watched as Richard put the men through their paces, climbing rope ladders, running across logs, crawling through tunnels and running mazes. Shocking, I learned that Richard still holds the record for times and accuracy. Richard just chuckled, "Tiss child's play compared to war."

Richard and I stripped off our coats and ran the course. He left me far behind. I was amazed to see him climbing ropes, running full out. There was a section where a gun is provided with a target to shoot at. By the time I came to it, I was shaking with fatigue. Richard came up behind me, on his second lap. He took the gun and shot, making a bull's eye. He encouraged me on, helping me up the wall. I have always been competitive with Richard in riding, gentleman's sports. But this was different. This was raw, hard. He designed a section where you have to carry heavy buckets of water across a log beam. You loose points if you spill the water. He explained that he runs the course daily, and runs a few miles in addition. It is important to him to stay strong. His men compete to come up with obstacles that will defeat him. The challenge is to create a course that will beat him.

We went home after Richard dealt with some other matters. He thanked me for coming with him, but something seemed odd. Once we were home I realized what a fool I had been. For so long this day just passed as any other day. But no more. I was part of a family and that family would not let the day pass without note. For the first time in my memory I had a birthday party. It was my birthday and my family celebrated it.

My Aunt and Uncle, and Charles and Jane were there. Three of my old college friends were there with their wives, friends that I had not seen for so long. The parlor was decorated with garlands of colored paper and candles. Mrs. Reynolds had sent Elizabeth a list of my favorite dishes. Elizabeth had taught Georgiana how to bake. Georgiana baked me a cake, chocolate with chocolate frosting. There were piles of prettily wrapped presents tied in colorful ribbons. It was all for me. I blushed and had to step out into the hall to breath. Richard found me and chuckled, "You do not think that I could let this nonsense of ignoring your birthday continue now that I have a family and a home to host your day in?"

Richard is too good to me. Georgiana played me a new piece of music. She made me new handkerchiefs with my initials embroidered on them. Richard gave me a new riding crop and a duster coat. My Aunt and Uncle gave me some books. But Elizabeth's gift was what moved me the most. She gave me a hand knit scarf that she wrapped around my neck lovingly. She also gave me a little miniature of Rick. She told me that she was shocked when Richard had asked her to put together a birthday party. "Is it true that your family did not celebrate your day?" I answered truthfully. There were no parties, sometimes a gift from my father but that was all. She touched my cheek and frowned at me, "I am sorry, children should feel cherished, especially on your day. Do you, do you William feel cherished by Richard and Georgiana?" I nodded, afraid that I would fall into her arms. She kissed my cheek and wished me a happy birthday. I felt cherished by Elizabeth.

I needed to leave. I could not stay another moment. It was all too much. But in my agitation Richard reminded me that he would be celebrating his first wedding anniversary in two weeks, and to please stay since I missed the ceremony. I agreed.

October 22nd.

I am now writing as I return to Pemberley. Trying to finish this chapter of my life. Indeed there was another party at Richards. For me the party was a marking of how much has changed in the past year. It was a celebration of commitment, love, and family. Richard and Elizabeth's love was evident. Little Rick was the center of attention. Charles and Jane are expecting a baby in three months. My Aunt and Uncle announced that Alicia is with child, happy in her new marriage. And my baby sister, Georgiana says she is now ready for her coming out ball and presentation. She is old enough to start courting, yet assures me that she is not ready to marry, not for some time. Richard is a father now, happy and loved by the loveliest woman I have ever met.

On a personal note, I am no longer angry, jealous and pitiful. Yes, I still want her. I will always want Elizabeth. But I have come to love and respect her more for the woman she is than the illusion I created for myself. Will I always live this lonely life? Probably. But I have gained so much by loosing Elizabeth. I have a much deeper relationship with Georgiana, Richard, my Aunt and Uncle, Charles. And I have Elizabeth in my life as my dear friend. I am content.

No, I lie. I am lonely. I still want. This journal is now full. I look back to the beginning of this journal, thumbing through the pages, the letters pinned in place. I started off lonely. Lonely arrogant and horrid. I hope I am no longer arrogant and horrid. I am somehow contented in my loneliness.


	18. Chapter 18

**I am working 12 hour shifts the next 7 days so I won't be updating much so here goes - big chunk - lousy chapter breaks but enjoy. I think we all need to just be done with this beast. **

March 24th. Pemberley.

My old journal was filled. I have not written for some time. Now I find I must. It has been months since I have written down my thoughts. So much has happened. It is late March.

Christmas was celebrated at Sandhurst with Richard and Georgiana, his parents. Again, I was not forgotten. I was included in festivities. Elizabeth even made a stocking for me to hang at the hearth. It was filled with presents the next morning. I brought many presents for the baby.

My Godson, Rick, is such a delight. He sits up, rocks back and forth on his knees and hands. Elizabeth fears that he will start to crawl any day. He is growing up too fast. I have spent at least a week every month with them. I would miss them too much if I did not. It amazes me how Elizabeth always has time, affection and love to give to Richard. Even if the baby is teething or cranky, she always is affectionate to him. I love watching the way Richard looks at Elizabeth, with that smile on his face. I asked him about it, he just shook his head. "I am always amazed that I have won the love of such a woman. I love watching her. I love it when she turns and sees that I have been watching her. Even after all this time, she blushes."

I have taken to watching Elizabeth too. I indulge my desires by being a voyeur. One afternoon I came to Sandhurst. I entered the home and watched as Richard greeted Elizabeth. Elizabeth was nursing the baby near the fire in the main room. Seeing the curve of her breast pressed up to the baby's face, his hand curled in a lock of her hair, was enchanting. Richard caressed her face and knelt before her, worshiping her. She lifted her lips to him, running her fingers through his hair. She ran her hands down his body. Richard was touching the baby's soft hair and the little boy grasped Richard's finger. The three of them are so connected, so in love. I so wish to be the recipient of such intimacy. But that is not to be.

Other life events have occurred. Richard and Elizabeth came to my London house with the baby for Georgiana's presentation and coming out ball. They stayed one week. Georgiana wanted Richard to escort her to the presentation, but I was to have her first dance at her ball. My Aunt and Elizabeth did all of the planning for the ball. It was a lovely event. Georgiana looked absolutely beautiful. My father would be so proud of her. It was Elizabeth who startled me the most. She always wore simple styles, so her choice in her gown should not have surprised me. Elizabeth wore a simple midnight blue chiffon gown. There was not a single ruffle, ribbon, bobble or ruche. A simple band ran from one shoulder to the other, the chiffon draped over her body. She wore her hair up in a braided twist, with a curl hanging down her neck. Simple sapphire teardrops were at her ears, no other jewelry. How could I have ever thought that she was not handsome enough, or would not fit into my social circle? Elizabeth's simple sophisticated elegance made her stand out, glowing in her natural beauty. She stood at Richard's side, her arm tucked into his elbow. He wore his dress uniform, his chest covered with medals. He looked so regal, so self assured and strong. Later that night he commented that it was Elizabeth's request that he wear all the medals. It would intimidate and scare away any unsuitable suitors. I hope so. Truthfully, I am not prepared for Georgiana to be courting.

The ball was lovely, uneventful. I danced with Elizabeth. Her scent, her soft skin and beauty haunt me. I wished for the dance to never end. The next set Richard and Elizabeth danced together. I watched them moving together, always smiling, whispering as they passed through the movements and the prolonged touches. Richard was indeed a lucky man and it was commented by many how lovely his wife was.

The following week, four gentlemen came to call on Georgiana. She is not interested in any of them. She will return to Sandhurst and continue with her studies. My Aunt encouraged her to remain in London to seek a courtship. But Georgiana insists that she does not wish to waste her time on such an endeavor. She is sure that love will find her when the time is right. Will the time ever be right for me?

I have been spending much of my time at Pemberley. I neglected the estate to much last year. I am realizing that my father and I have different ideas about the management of the estate and I am ready to implement changes. New tenant cottages have been built; a school for the children of Pemberley has been established. My steward and I have implemented some new crops and farming techniques. I ride out on the land daily and partake in the work of the estate. On cold days I wrap the scarf that Elizabeth made for me around my neck. I find it makes me feel connected to her more. The changes I am making are those that I believe would be pleasing to Elizabeth. I do wish to make her proud of me. I wish to become a man that she could love.

I will stay for spring planting and lambing. I have corresponded with my Aunt Catherine de Burgh and her steward. I will not be going to Rosings to review her books this year. Until she can be respectful of my choices and Richard's marriage, I shall not attend her demands.

July 25th. Pemberley.

It is now late July. I am at Pemberley. Richard, Elizabeth, Rick and Georgiana are here for the summer months that Sandhurst is closed. I am so happy to have them back. Rick's birthday is in a few days and I am planning a party.

Rick is walking now, tottering while holding onto Elizabeth's fingers. He cannot move fast enough and gets frustrated so he crawls off in a great rush. Elizabeth chases after him laughing. He talks all the time. Richard is Papa and Elizabeth Mamma. I am Wills, or ills and Georgiana is Goji. Richard has a puppy ready to bring from Firelake for his birthday.

Richard and Elizabeth sleep in the mistress's suites and Rick in the nursery. But from what I understand, Rick climbs out of his crib and into bed with Richard and Elizabeth every morning around four. Richard tells me that Rick wakes him up and says, "Wet." Richard wakes up, changes the baby and they go back to sleep with Elizabeth. Rick nurses and falls back asleep. I commented that it amazed me that he took part in such tasks. Richard laughed at my naiveté.

Breakfast at Pemberley is so fun. Rick eats with a tiny spoon, drinks from a cup. The mess that that little baby can make is enormous. Elizabeth carefully cuts up food for him to eat with his fingers. He gets washed up and takes off crawling. He gets into everything. Richard swoops him up and he sits perched on Richard's shoulders handing onto Richard's hair. Richard says, "Less likely for him to get into anything." I have sometimes noticed bits of food and sticky mess in Richard's hair.

They play with him, read to him, cuddle him, and talk to him. Rick rarely cries or fusses. He naps every day in the early afternoon. Richard and Elizabeth always nap at that time. Jenny Hill often takes care of the baby for a bit of the day, but more often it is Truit who entertains the little Colonel. Once Elizabeth put Rick in my arms. He fussed. Elizabeth, Truit, Richard and even Georgiana had a great laugh at my expense during my lessons on how to play with a baby. Truly I did not know how to interact with him. But now I know how to pretend to be a bear, a dog and a horse. My nose and ears have been pulled on and yanked, my hair chewed on and I am happier for it. Rick actually crawls up to me and climbs me. He brought me a picture book yesterday and sat in my lap and turned the pages for me. I felt so happy; my heart was about to burst.

We were walking in the garden. Richard was holding onto Rick's fingers as the baby walked. I noticed that Richard seems somewhat distracted and in an odd humor. I asked him about it. He started to chuckle. "Elizabeth will be mortified if she knew I was telling you this. But we decided to give Rick a brother or a sister for his birthday. We are a little busy making a baby. It's terribly hard work." Rick looked up, "Baby." Richard nodded back, "Yes Rick, baby, we need to make a baby. He started laughing and blushing. "William, you have no idea. A fertile woman is insatiable. I am exhausted." He laughed and swooped Rick into the air, the baby squealed. Elizabeth was walking with Georgiana and looked over at us. She smiled at Richard. Richard caught her look and quickly handed the baby to me and said, "Watch him." He ran down the slope, took Elizabeth's hand and they ran off laughing. Georgiana asked me, "What is that about?" Rick answered, "Baby." Georgiana blushed, my face felt so hot.

They came back from their private "walk" about an hour later. Georgiana and I had been entertaining Rick for some time. Elizabeth took Rick inside for a change. Richard and I were walking together. I don't know why, morbid curiosity, but I had to ask where they had gone. His answer shocked me; "Elizabeth and I were at the pool below the falls, swimming. We spent so much time there last year when Elizabeth was pregnant. I commented to her that I doubted that you had ever enjoyed your river as we have. She worries about you. She wishes that you were not so alone."

I was mortified; they were discussing my lack of love life while making love? He said, "Well not during the, you know, but afterward, in the afterglow." I have no idea what he means by that, the afterglow. Yet I was filled with longing, to know such passion and love. Again my morbid curiosity, "You actually went swimming. Your cloths aren't wet?" Richard looked at me like I was an idiot, "William, we swim naked." "Oh." "Elizabeth is right, you should not be so alone." I hissed back, "I am alone because I choose to be alone. I could have any woman." Richard looked at me, "Then take one." I snapped back, "I could have any woman but the one that I wanted did not want me. I will never marry." I stomped away.

Dinner that night was served out on the terrace. Mrs. Reynolds had never heard of such a thing, but Elizabeth and Georgiana insisted. It was very charming, but tense between Richard and myself. Finally, I apologized to Richard for my outburst. He said to me, "I should apologize. I sometimes forget that my marriage may be painful to you. If it is, we can leave." I panicked, "No, yes, but don't leave. Yes, your marriage brings me pain, because it is something that I will never have. But no, your marriage brings me such joy. I have a godson. I have a family. I admit that I live vicariously through you. Elizabeth would have never married me, loved me as she does you. I did not know how to love another person. Not really. Elizabeth, and your marriage taught me how to love. I would have lost Georgiana. So no, don't leave."

Richard looked at me, his hands held my face, his thumb traced my brow. "We will not leave you. I know that you love Elizabeth. I will not take her from you." His forehead rested against mine, "But maybe I will not speak of our intimacy so…"

I tried to make light of the discomfort, "So, did you?" "Did we what?" "Did you make a baby? You knew last time." "Time will tell."

Rick must have snuck up on us; he was climbing the back of Richard's pant legs. Richard swooped him up into his arms, "So, my little man, you escaped Mamma." Rick nodded proudly. He was holding a stuffed bunny. I noticed that it was knitted out of grey wool. I asked him to introduce me to his bunny, "Dog." Richard explained, "Elizabeth knit Rick this bunny, and he named it Dog. Elizabeth is trying to design a knit dog but they keep turning out to look like bunnies. Hence, the p-u-p-p-y." Richard spelled out puppy. Rick yelled, "Puppy." Richard laughed at him, "Since when can you spell?" Rick started chattering, "P-u-p-p-y" over and over again.

Elizabeth joined us, and Rick reached out for her. She held him tight kissing his cheek, and he chimed back, "B-a-b-y." Elizabeth asked him, "Baby?" Rick nodded, "Baby." Elizabeth looked at Richard, "Well?" Richard shook his head, whispering, "I don't know!" Rick took his little chubby arms and hugged both his parents tight. It was so charming to see. Richard took the baby, explaining that it was his night to read him to sleep. "We can talk more about that issue later." Elizabeth and Richard left me out on the terrace to put their baby to bed. About half an hour later Richard came out. We sat for a while and watched the moon rise. "It will be a full moon tonight, perfect for night swimming." He paused and reached over and put his hand on my arm, "In some ways I am sorry that things did not work out for you and Elizabeth. She could have taught you so much, given you so much. Yet I am not so sorry that she fell in love with me. There are times I feel as if I am living a dream and that it will all go away in one great swish. Elizabeth's body is ready for us to have another child. But I am afraid."

"You afraid? Of what?" I watched as he took a deep breath and held his side, "I am afraid of leaving her too soon. I am afraid that will not keep my promise and grow old with her. I hurt, all the time. It has moved, or something. Some days I feel so strong, I can still run and exercise. I can still stay strong. But every so often I am crippled by pain, then fever and coughing up blood. Knowing how much you love her gives me comfort. So I wish to ask you to make me a promise. This is very difficult. William, please, will you to promise me to care for them, for her, if anything should happen to me?"

"Of course. But Richard, nothing will happen to you. You always have said that Elizabeth's love will heal you." Richard than became even more serious, his eyes focused on the moon. "Even she can not heal this. If I should die, Rick will be Andrew's direct heir. Andrew will have a legal right to take Rick from Elizabeth. Elizabeth would never separate from Rick. She would be in Andrew's power. You understand what I mean by this, how Andrew would treat Elizabeth. I cannot let this happen to her. I can't let this happen to Rick. If I should die, the only way to protect her is if she were to immediately marry the man who is the legal guardian of my children. You love her. You would treat her with respect and care. She cares for you. In time, you may even have a true marriage. Do you understand what I am asking?"

I nodded yes. I stared out at the moon thinking. My heart was turning itself inside out. I felt nausea and panic waft over me. Elizabeth would be my wife if Richard should die. I have wanted Elizabeth for so long, yet I have her as the beloved wife of my cousin. I said to Richard, "Don't die." He chuckled, "I have no intention of doing so."

That night after everyone had gone to bed I stood out on my balcony and watched the moon. Richard had talked about night swimming at the pools. They had gone up to the pools below the falls and swam, naked, making love there. Again, I was living vicariously through them. I took a towel and dressed in only a shirt and trousers I walked up to the pools in the moonlight. When I got there the beauty of the place moved me. It was so quiet, surreal. The moonlight on the pool was silver. The sound of the falls was the only noise. I left my towel and cloths at the side of the pool and slipped into the water. The coolness caressed my skin. Elizabeth had swum here earlier that day. Did she and Richard make love in the water, or on the rocks? The intimacy of swimming there aroused me. Even in the cold water I could feel my erection grow. I floated. Suddenly I heard voices and I swam over to the rocks, slipping out of the water to where my cloths were. I fled into the trees. I felt silly, for am I not the master of Pemberley. Is this not my pool? I looked back.

Elizabeth and Richard were there, standing at the waters edge. They were both wearing robes and slippers, giggling. "I am surprised no one caught us sneaking out." "Are you sure Rick will be alright?" "Jenny knows we were going out. She is listening for him, but he is sleeping soundly." "I hate being far from him." "I know and I love you for that." I watched as Richard untied Elizabeth's robe. She was there before me, naked in the moonlight. She was glowing. I had imagined her so many times, but this was real. I stood there paralyzed in the forest watching. Elizabeth's hair was down her back in a braid, the tip just at the top of her derriere, so round and smooth, glowing in the moonlight. Her shoulders were so square, sharp, her waist narrow, curving out to her ass. I watched her bend down and touch the water, her round ass flexing as she bent, her legs so hard, so soft, so lush. She turned and I could see her silhouette, her hands stretched over her head. Her perfect breast with dark pink nipples, larger than I had thought. Richard moved towards her and took her breast in his hand. He bent to kiss her, bending further to kiss her breast. He reached out with his tongue and licked the nipple. He said, "Yummy." Elizabeth ran her fingers through his hair, down his neck and shoulders, pushing his robe away. Richard was drinking from her body. His hands and mouth were on her other breast, her back, her ass, her thighs. His arms wrapped around her knees and she collapsed into him. I heard him say, "Shall we swim first or…" Elizabeth pushed him onto his back and started kissing his body. Richard lay there on his robe in the moonlight as Elizabeth lowered herself over his body. I turned away. I could not watch, I could not fathom such passion. I moved as quietly as possible back up to the trail. I looked back from the ridge. I could see them floating in the water, with arms and legs wrapped around each other kissing and caressing. I returned to my rooms to write this scandalous account.

I feel so alone. I will never know the passion that Richard shares with Elizabeth. I will never find love. I am unlovable.

I can hear them running down the hall, laughing and giggling. They are arguing about baby names.

August 28th. Pemberley.

Richard and Elizabeth left for Sandhurst this morning. Georgiana went with them. It was like all the joy that had filled my home for weeks had been sucked out. Pemberley is quiet and lonely again. Mrs. Reynolds made a comment, "Pemberley needs you to have a family of your own." I could only agree but my response shocked her, "Yes, someday Georgiana will marry and hopefully she will reside at Pemberley. For I will never marry without love." She turned to look at me in that motherly way she has, "You are very lovable. Certainly there is some lady worthy of you. Perhaps next season you will find her." I was watching as Richard's carriage went over the horizon line. "The only woman that I will ever love fell in love with someone more worthy than I." I could see Mrs. Reynolds look of pity as the realization of my love for Elizabeth hit her. I turned away.

These weeks with Richard's family at Pemberley have been the happiest of my lifetime. Every day there was laughter, joy, and tenderness. Elizabeth dotes on her son. He comes to breakfast every morning. He actually comes to all our meals. She sets him in a chair, sets his food out and he feeds himself. He makes quite a mess but Elizabeth never scolds him. He actually partakes in the conversation, babbling and giggling. Richard plays with him, swings him on his fingers. The little boy arrived walking by hanging onto fingers and now he runs. Watching Elizabeth chasing after him across the lawn filled me with delight. I rarely spent time alone with Elizabeth. Those instances are comfortable on my part. I find her fascinating, mesmerizing. I often stare at her in silence. She has gotten used to it and just laughs at me now. The other day we were reviewing plans for the school building. She was suggesting setting up a library room and integrating the teachers living quarters into the building. I was just entranced by the movement of her hands across the architectural drawings and was not paying attention to what she was saying. So she swatted me, "Well, what do you think?" I had no idea what she was asking. It turns out I had agreed to building a second story.

The tenants all seem to have fallen in love with her. Within days of arriving she had met with all the families, created a census and an assessment of what the individual families need. She loves the new cottages that I have built.

I love seeing her out in the gardens. Rick is usually with her. They were picking strawberries; she was feeding some to Rick. My gardener now wants to make changes to the kitchen gardens to expand our vegetable production. He says it is the Colonel's wife's suggestion. Elizabeth brought some starts from Sandhurst. I now have four tiny fig trees growing behind a new green house, another one of Elizabeth's suggestions. She is so good for Pemberley, she breaths life into it.

My Aunt and Uncle came for Rick's first birthday party. Truit rode to Firelake the night before returning with a basket of p-u-p-p-y, a black lab with a tiny white fluff at his throat and right foot. Richard had planned on going but last minute he realized that he had never been away overnight from Elizabeth. He was going to attempt a round trip in one day. Elizabeth would not allow that. It is interesting to see her exert her will over Richard's stubbornness. She manipulates him, scolds him and turns around and sooths him with her love. He is putty in her hands. So Truit went. Richard and Elizabeth had seen the litter on their way to Pemberley and had picked the puppy out. But the way they went on and on telling Truit how to bring the puppy home was hysterical.

The party was delightful. Rick had no interest in his presents except for the puppy, which he named Tink. Apparently there is a dog in a story with that name. Rick was a little disappointed that there was no baby. Richard held his little boy in his arms and kissed his tears away, "These things take time. We want to be sure to make just the right baby." My Aunt overheard this exchange and started to cry for joy. Rick calls my Aunt Grayma and Uncle Graypa. They don't seem to mind.

My Uncle commented that this was the first birthday party he had ever been to at Pemberley and asked me how my parents celebrated mine and Georgiana's. I hesitated to tell him that for many years there were no remembrances' of the day save that which Mrs. Reynold's provided.

Elizabeth, Richard and Rick invaded the kitchens and baked a cake. It was chocolate and lopsided, but very good. Elizabeth cut Rick and enormous slice and the little boy dove into it until he was covered with chocolate frosting. Elizabeth was chasing after him, threatening to eat him up and he was giggling. There was chocolate frosting on the chairs, the wallpaper, the doors, everywhere. But the walls of Pemberley had never known such joy.

Georgiana had a wonderful time. She loves to play with the baby and is actually a great help to Elizabeth. She and I spent a lot of time together riding and just talking. We talked a lot about my father. Georgiana's memories of him are fading. I want her to know how much he loved her. We also spoke of Wickham. It is helping me to place my feelings about him in a better place. And Georgiana and I are better together. She trusts me not to judge her, trusts me to let her live her own life, make her own choices.

Six weeks into the visit Richard came to breakfast without Elizabeth. She was ill. Every morning since she has been ill. It takes her around an hour after waking to manage to make it down stairs. Richard has taken over Rick's morning care, bringing some weak tea and toast to Elizabeth. I asked if I should call for a doctor and Richard laughed at me, "She did the same when she was pregnant with Rick. It will pass. It is too soon to be sure, but I believe our baby is on its way."

Now a baby has been born from love at Pemberley and a baby has been conceived in love at Pemberley. That comforts me.

I have another month to stay here, oversee the harvest, the opening of the school and see to other matters. One month and I will leave for London and Sandhurst. I will miss them.

September 25th. Sandhurst.

I arrived late on a rainy, cold afternoon. Elizabeth must have seen me arrive for she was at the back door to welcome me. She took my wet things and handed me a towel. She assured me there was a hot bath waiting for me if I wished it. I must have been staring at her. She asked me, "Do I have something on my face or are you back to your old habit of staring at me?" I fumbled, "You look so lovely." She blushed. Truthfully I was a bit taken back by her appearance. She seemed to glow. She was always so thin, but not so now. Her face was full, her cheeks rounded. She laughed at me. "I know that Richard did not hide from you our hopes. We are still early but we believe that we are expecting another baby. Pregnancy makes me look a little less gaunt."

I had to disagree, "Elizabeth you never look gaunt. Thin and petite but never gaunt. Now, however, you glow, you are radiant." Elizabeth threw a towel at me. Something must have caught her eye in the back yard. "Oh, Richard is home." She gathered another towel and ran to open the door. Richard came in and she was immediately taking his hat, his coat, kissing him and chattering at him. He sat and she pulled off his muddy boots, peeling of his socks. He grabbed her waist and pulled her to him, kissing her. "Richard, darling, William is here." He finally noticed me. He stood to greet me with a giant hug. We started talking but Elizabeth would not have it, "Both of you get changed out of your wet things. Immediately. You can catch up later." She took Richard's hand and pulled him up the stairs. Richard looked back at me and laughed, "What is a man to do but obey his wife?" I chuckled.

Later that evening we were all sitting in the parlor. Georgiana had played for us. Richard and Rick were on the floor playing with wooden blocks. Elizabeth sat next to me and was knitting. Rick knocked his tower over and a wooden block landed near my foot. Elizabeth whispered to me, "Go ahead, pick it up and go build towers. I will not tell anyone." I looked at her. She was serious, her eyes twinkling. I got down on the floor with Richard and his little boy and we built towers. Georgiana started to laugh. Elizabeth and Georgiana were sitting on the couch watching us. Rick eventually tired of our games and walked over to a shelf and pulled down a book. He gave it to Richard, "Book, Papa, read, please." Richard sat down in his big chair and Rick climbed into his lap. They were sitting there turning the pages and Richard was telling him about the book. Rick started to look sleepy. Elizabeth asked him to kiss his Papa good night and she would take him to bed. She picked him up; he looks so big in her arms. Rick kissed Richard, Georgiana and finally he kissed me. Feeling his little arms around my neck and his sweet lips on my cheek is such bliss. Elizabeth went upstairs with him.

Georgiana whispered to Richard and he nodded. She left. Richard smiled and said, "I think we should have a brandy and a little talk." He poured me a brandy and motioned for me to sit. Something was amiss. "William, Georgiana has had her coming out. She has done her duty at balls and parties in London. But she hates that life and the marriage mart. There is a man here at Sandhurst who has come to call. She likes him. She likes him very much. His name is Spillane, Joseph Spillane. He is a Major. He is a good man, a respected man."

"He needs her fortune?"

"Don't always assume the worst. He knows nothing of her dowry. He has money of his own, much as I do. He is a self made man. He has earned his way in this world. He will eventually inherit a small estate in Kent. His interest in Georgiana began over music. He plays the violin. He heard her play at the conservatory. They play duets together. He immediately made himself and his intentions known to me. He will be here tomorrow for dinner. You will meet him and he intends on asking for a formal courtship with our Georgie. I have a dossier on him in the library for you to read."

"I am not ready for Georgiana to leave me."

"It is a courtship. He will be going back to France in a month. He will be gone for a long time. An engagement would be a year away. Georgiana will be the age Elizabeth was when I met her when he returns. It is time."

I rested my head on the back of the sofa, "It can't be time. She's still a little girl. She's all that I have."

Richard stood and sat down next to me. His foot was pushing the blocks of wood around on the floor. "William, she met him last fall. She agreed to her coming out this last winter with the sole purpose of pursuing this man. He has her heart. She knows what she wants. You will not loose her. You will gain a brother, a good man. You will always have me, my Elizabeth and my children. We are your family."

The next day I met the man, he was the man who had played the duet with Georgiana the night before my birthday party. I remembered that he had been at the party. There was nothing objectionable to him. He was a decorated soldier, a graduate of Oxford with honors. He came from a well-respected family. Yes he was a second son, no title or fortune but his finances were secure. He had assumed that Georgiana was Richard's ward and therefore without fortune. He had not made the connection between the Georgiana Darcy that he knew as Richard's ward to the Georgiana Darcy of thirty thousand pounds that was the talk of the ton. Richard and I gave him permission to court Georgiana. I really only wanted to throttle him. But he is really actually very likable, interesting and as Richard said, a good man.

I watched him with Georgiana and indeed my sister looks very happy with him. And I observed him with Elizabeth; I can tell he is enamored by her. At first it concerned me, afraid that Georgiana would be irreparably hurt but no…he stood at my side and said to me, "My commander, Colonel Fitzwilliam is indeed a lucky man for his wife is utterly lovely."

I confronted him, "You ask me to court my sister yet express lust for my cousin's wife. Have you no honor?"

He laughed at me, he actually laughed at me. "Only an idiot would not be moved by Mrs. Fitzwilliam's beauty. Denying admiration it would make me a fool. Lust is not part of the equation. Do not question my honor, Mr. Darcy. I have only the deepest admiration and respect for my commander and his family. I wish to be part of that family one day if Georgiana finds me worthy of her love." He moved away and into Georgiana's waiting embrace.

Indeed he is a man not to be challenged.

April 20th, Pemberley

I have not written in some time. Looking back it has been months. I think I have been hiding from my feelings, falling back to my reticent hermit ways. Georgiana did indeed fall in love with the young Major Joseph Spillane. He is now in France and Georgiana fears for him. Exchanging letters and seeing my baby sister in love is quite painful to me. Her love for this man in not unrequited, for he expresses his devotion to her in his every letter. She has shared some of them with me. My baby sister is experiencing feelings that I will never have. I am scared for her, jealous and filled with a bit of self-pity. When will it be my time for love?

I cannot forget Richard's premonition that his life will be cut short. Am I waiting for him to die? Am I wishing for him to die so that I can have Elizabeth? No, no, I love him, need him. It would hurt her too much. Yet I cannot marry. I was in London and my Aunt invited me for tea. She had a guest, a lovely young woman. I cannot even remember her name. She was perfect in every way except that she was not Elizabeth. I did not ever call on her as my Aunt had asked of me. I will forever remain alone. I have no interest in pursuing another.

I am finding myself hopeful for Georgiana's romance. If she were to marry this man and have children, their sons would be my heirs. Pemberley would be secure. The more I know of him the more I like him, the more I think he would be good for both Georgiana and Pemberley. They would come and live here, make a home here. Over time I would hand the running of the estate over to him. I would never give it over completely. Pemberley grounds me. I think I will ask an architect about drawing up plans to renew the old east wing. Georgiana and her husband could have their own wing. It could be my wedding present to them. I am getting ahead of myself. Major Spillane still needs to return from the war intact. Such little details.

I have not seen Elizabeth in some time. Georgiana and Richard's letters tell me that she and the baby are well. I miss her.

May 3rd.

An express came today announcing the birth of Richard and Elizabeth's second son, Benjamin Edward Fitzwilliam. He was born on April 28th. Richard wrote that Benjamin is Truit's name, Edward for his father and Fitzwilliam for me. He writes that Elizabeth is well and has invited me to come as soon as possible. The christening is in a few weeks. I will go then. It has been months since I have seen them.

A letter also came from Georgiana. Her Major is to return to England soon. She wishes for me to make myself available to get to know him. She wishes for me to like him very much. Georgiana also hinted that Richard has not been well. I have heard nothing of this. I looked back at all of his letters and there is not a hint. Elizabeth sends letters on occasion. She fills them with sweet stories about my Godson, Rick, the puppy. She always reassures me of Georgiana's well being. But some of her letters mention that Richard has been tired of late, more fatigued when he comes home. He has not been running the obstacle course or taking his usual exercise. Reviewing her letters I can see that she is worried about him.

I will stop at Firelake and meet with Richard's steward as he requested. And I had Mrs. Reynolds order a little bed for Rick. When Richard's family comes for the summer they will need another bed. Richard has another baby boy. I am so happy for him. Yet I am worried.

May 8th. Matlock.

I went to Firelake. Richard's investment is sound. His estate is lovely. The tenants are to leave this fall. They are looking for a new home and asked me if I knew of any. I suggested Netherfield. Bingley has found an estate to purchase due south of Pemberley. Once Richard and Elizabeth move to Firelake the families will only be thirty miles apart. Bingley has a little boy. I hear from him often. Our friendship has repaired itself over time. His family will be at Pemberley for the summer with Richard's.

I am spending the night with my Aunt and Uncle at Matlock. They will be traveling to Sandhurst for the christening. My Aunt is so thrilled about the birth of Benjamin. She was disappointed that she was not there. I guess the baby came a few weeks earlier than anticipated.

My Uncle requested a private meeting in his study. He was very serious and hesitant. He pulled out a folio of documents for my review and signature. He sat and started to cry. My Uncle actually started to cry. Richard had asked for him to come to Sandhurst without Elizabeth's knowledge for the purpose of retrieving these documents. Richard instructed his father to have me sign them before I came to Sandhurst. Next he would deliver them to the courts in London. Uncle Edward broke down and said, "Richard is not well. He is having more and more trouble with his breathing. He is trying to hide it from Elizabeth. Andrew actually went to Sandhurst and confronted Richard. He told Richard that he has men poised to take Rick the minute he dies. He told Richard how much he looks forward to comforting Elizabeth. I can not believe that such a pig is my son."

Uncle Edward opened the documents. Richard's signature was there as was my Uncles. They were documents making me the legal guardian of Richard's children, making me the executor of his will, the trustee of his lands and holdings for his children and most of all, the guardian and protector of Elizabeth. My hand trembled as I signed. I had to hold my wrist still in order to make it legible. My Uncle sanded and sealed the documents. "It is done. Elizabeth will be safe. But you know that you must marry her. You know that you cannot marry anyone else. Is this satisfactory to you?"

I nodded. "I told you when they first married that I would do anything to protect Elizabeth and Richard."

My Uncle looked at me suspiciously and asked, "Are you in love her?" I nodded.

May 16th. Sandhurst.

I arrived here yesterday. So much has happened, I must write. I was shocked to be greeted at the door by Elizabeth. She had just had a baby. The little boy was in a sling at her side, so tiny. I had forgotten how little babies are. Ben is just about three weeks old. Rick was hiding behind her skirts but flew into my arms once I knelt down. Feeling his little body in my arms was a joy. He is so big, talking so much. I have been gone to long. Tink, the dog was right at his side.

Elizabeth looked tired. She looked thin and though I hate to say it, gaunt. My Aunt and Uncle immediately wanted to see the baby. She had them wash their hands and called for tea. I noticed there was a new maid. Truit mentioned that his lady had consented to allowing for more help. I asked where my cousin was and Truit said that he was at the college and would be returning shortly. That seemed strange to me, if he had been ill and with a new baby. I asked Truit point blank, "From what my Uncle says and from Elizabeth's letters I am assuming that all is not well. Why, tell me why is he not here resting?" Truit pulled me into the back rooms. He said in shushed tones, "He does not want Elizabeth worrying. He goes to the college and sleeps in his office. If he is having a bad day, he hides from her there." I had to ask, "Does he really think that Elizabeth is so gullible?" Truit replied, "He is trying."

We had tea. Rick sat on the floor with his dog playing with his toys. Elizabeth passed the little baby around to his grandparents. Ben had Elizabeth's hair; curly brown locks but when he opened his eyes there were Richard's startling blue eyes. My Aunt started to cry when she saw them. The baby started to fuss and Elizabeth took him to her breast. She pulled a thin baby blanket over her shoulder and excused herself from the room. Georgiana followed her out.

My Aunt immediately turned to Uncle Edward, "Something is wrong. Where is Richard?"

In answer Richard came through the door. I could not help but stare. He looked as if he had dropped twenty pounds. His cloths hung off of him and his skin was pale. My Aunt just stared at him before she started to cry. "Oh Richard!" He shook his head and sat in his big chair. Rick came to him and climbed into his lap and cuddled him. The dog laid his head on Richard's knee.

"So, where has my wife gone off to?" Georgiana came in and kissed his cheek, "She is nursing Ben." Richard pointed to his mother and father. "I can not have my wife hiding every time she needs to feed the baby. No staring and no comments about a wet nurse." They nodded. "And no comments about my health. Is that perfectly clear? I will not have you upsetting Elizabeth." They nodded again. Richard looked at me and asked, "Is it done? Did you sign the documents?" I nodded. He rested his head back on the chair and ran his hands through Rick's hair. "Good." His eyes closed and I just watched him. I could see his heart beating on the side of his neck. It was fast. I watched his breathing; it too was fast and shallow. His nostrils flared as he breathed. Georgiana brought his tea. It sat at his side untouched. She carefully motioned for Rick to rise. The little boy held his hands up and Georgiana picked him up. She signaled for us to follow her.

We followed her out to the gardens and Rick got down to play. There was a swing for him and some toys scattered across the lawn. Truit asked Rick to come with him to the stables. They ran down to the stables. Georgiana had our attention. "This home is a bit of a tragic comedy. Richard hides his illness from Elizabeth. Elizabeth knows everything that is going on with him but allows his nonsense, as it seems to bring him comfort. She is exhausting herself trying to take care of everyone. I finally convinced her to get some more help. Truit watches over Richard as much as he can. The doctors say that nothing can be done but rest. Do not fear. Elizabeth love for Richard will heal him. At least that is what he tells me. There is not to be any stress. So there will be no conversations about despicable Andrew, no requests for entertainment or outings. We are here to support Elizabeth as she heals Richard. That is all. I have made arrangements for you, Aunt Helena and Uncle Edward to reside in the house next door. The Bennett's and Bingley's will be staying there, as will any additional servants. Elizabeth is depending on you to help her manage her parents and the Bingleys. William you are welcome to stay here but I expect you to help play with Rick and watch over Richard. Plus, please help with Elizabeth's mother. Tomorrow's festivities will be quite mellow in comparison to the christening at Pemberley. Do not point that out. Any questions?"

My Aunt had one, "What is wrong with my Richard?" Georgiana startled, "Has no one told you? Uncle Edward?" My Uncle shook his head in the negative. Georgiana bravely confessed, "Richard was wounded almost three years ago. There is a piece of metal in his chest. He bled heavily from his lung in early April. He had fever and has not regained his strength. He is still having trouble, coughing up blood from time to time. It has never been this bad before, nor lasted this long. He is intent on hiding it from Elizabeth. That is where Truit, Jenny and I come in. Elizabeth knows everything that goes on with him. We aid her in her deception that she is oblivious. We aid Richard in his self-deception that Elizabeth is unaware. It is all just too silly."

My Aunt still did not have the answers she wanted. But Elizabeth came out to the gardens and took her hand. She guided her mother in law to a bench under the cherry tree. I watched her intently as she handed the baby to Helena and spoke to her in hushed tones. Helena was crying. Elizabeth was stroking her back. I wondered who was comforting Elizabeth. Then I saw it, little Rick came up to his mother and kissed her cheek and stroked her back just as Elizabeth was doing for Helena. Truit and my Uncle stood watching with pride, "Quite the little man."

I slipped back in and found Richard standing at the bottom of the stairs. He was just standing there, looking up at them. "So." "So what?" I took his arm over my shoulders and helped him up the stairs. He motioned for me to take him into his room. It was the first time I had been in his room, the one he shared with Elizabeth. He sat on the bed and started to unbutton his coat and waistcoat. I stopped him and did it for him. He just sat there breathing. Once he was down to his shirt I could not help myself, "Jesus, Richard. You look like shit." "Thank you for that notification. Hand me that sweater." I handed him a thick wool sweater. "Elizabeth made this for me. I am so bloody cold all the time and it hides the weight loss."

"Do you really think you are hiding anything from her?"

"No.' he paused, 'I am hiding it all from myself. I am sure she knows everything. She knows what I eat, when I sleep, hell she probably knows when I last shit. But I will not have her be my nursemaid. She is my wife, the mother of my babies. Did you see him, did you see Ben? Is he not beautiful? I cannot believe that I have been given so much by her, yet I cannot even be a father to her children, my children." He shoved his fists into the bed, straightening his torso, trying to catch his breath. "Andrew came to see me. He saw me even worse off than this. He is like a vulture waiting for me to die." Richard grabbed my hand, "I can not let him touch my family. He will destroy Elizabeth and the boys. You signed the documents?" I knelt before him and said to him, "Yes Richard, I signed the documents. I will always be here for them. I will protect them, take them to Pemberley. Andrew will never touch them." Richard started to cry, my great fierce warrior cousin was crying. "I never should have married her. I should have convinced her of your goodness. You should have married her. The boys should have been yours. I was selfish and arrogant and called myself the better man. Now look at me. I am unable to even climb the stairs. How am I to protect her, care for her, love her?" He was gasping for air between words.

I wrapped my arms around him and whispered to him, "By loving her." I tried to shush him, running my hands through his hair and quieting his breathing. He started to cough and a great glob of blood and mucous came up. He pushed me away. He sat there gasping. I noticed his eyes focus and I felt her behind me. Her hand was on my shoulder and she handed the baby to me. She kissed my forehead and told me to go away. I back out of the room. She closed the door. I know not what happened but the door did not open for some time.

The baby and I just looked at each other. Georgiana rescued Ben from me. She showed me how to change a nappy and how to swaddle a baby in a blanket. I carried him around with me, fascinated by his every move, every expression. I fell in love with him. The Bennett's and Bingley have arrived and Georgiana and I gave them a synopsis of what was happening with brief instructions. Dinner was served, a tray sent to Richard and Elizabeth's rooms. Georgiana took Ben to his mother. Rick went with them. Everyone was quite subdued. The guests walked across the yard to the neighboring house. Georgiana and I went upstairs. We listened together at the door to their room, hearing soft whispering. Georgiana peaked into the nursery. No one was there. "The boys are asleep in their room."

I took Georgiana into my arms and rocked her, "You are so brave." Georgiana began to weep but pulled away, "I don't want them to hear me." We went to her room and sat together. Georgiana cuddled in my arms as she did when she was little. She confessed that watching them made her afraid of what was to come. "What if I should love Joseph as Elizabeth loves Richard and loose him? What if I don't find the love that they have with him?" I confessed that I, as a man who had never known love, had no clue how to answer her. But I did tell her that I did not believe that she would find what Richard and Elizabeth had, for their love was unique, just as the love that she shared with her Joseph would be unique. Georgiana fell asleep in my arms. I was quite content to feel such intimacy and love for my sister. I woke sometime around sunrise, sore and aching but with more purpose than I had had in a very long time. There were people whom I loved that needed me.

I woke to little Rick poking at my arm. He needed some assistance. Tink needed to be let out and Rick needed help with his nightclothes. He told me that Truit usually took care of the morning routine, ever since his Papa got sick. But Truit did not come so he went to find his Goji. Georgiana was still sleeping soundly. Rick and I let the dog out then went to the bath for a quick wash. Rick took me to the nursery and showed me where his cloths were. I had lifted up to sit on the dresser as I buttoned his shirt. Elizabeth came in. She smiled at me, "New recruit I see." Rick held his hands up to his Mamma for a hug and kiss. She kissed him. "Papa?" "Papa is sleeping." She smiled at him, "All will be well." I watched her as she took the baby to a little padded table and changed his nappy, tickling his belly as she went. Rick climbed down and waited for her to finish. Elizabeth sat in the rocking chair and Rick climbed into her lap. She settled the baby in Rick's arms and together they rocked. Elizabeth's eyes were puffy with dark circles underneath them. I knew she had been crying. Her hair was in a wild mess. She was wearing a cotton wrap hanging off her thin shoulder bones. There were stains on the front of the gown. Ben was nuzzling into Elizabeth. She said excuse me and opened her gown, the baby rooted to her and started to nurse. "I hope that you do you mind me nursing him in front of you." I assured her that I did not mind at all. Rick was playing with her hair and sucking his thumb. Elizabeth was gazing down at Ben. "I want to thank you for what ever it was you said to Richard yesterday. He opened up to me last night, about everything. I confessed that I knew all along. We have been so silly trying so very hard to protect the other. Rick knows his Papa is not well. Even this little baby knows something is not right. There is no good in hiding the truth from each other."

Rick asked, "Will Papa get better?" Elizabeth smoothed back his hair, "I hope so. I pray that Papa will be well. One thing is certain though. Papa loves you with every fiber of his being and Papa will always see to your wellbeing." She looked at me knowingly. The baby stopped nursing and she lifted him to pat his back. Rick patted him for her. The baby belched and she repositioned him on her other breast. I sat there staring at her. She frowned at me, "You are staring, Mr. Darcy." I smiled and laughed, "You are beautiful, Mrs. Fitzwilliam. I stare because you are beautiful." I got up and left the nursery. Rick and Tink followed me out the door. I made my way down to the kitchens to find Truit and Victor quite hung over. Jenny and the new maid were making coffee and admonishing them for their bad behavior. Rick climbed up on a stool and Jenny handed him a cup of hot milk. Truit asked, "How did you make it down here looking all dapper?" Rick pointed to me, "Wills helped me." Victor just started laughing. Truit winced.

Jenny had a tray of coffee and juice, eggs, porridge, toast and fruit for two ready to be brought up. She left and came back down with the baby over her arm. "The mistress is seeing to the master today, which leaves you to nappy patrol." Ben was handed over to Truit who carefully rocked the baby. "I think that there will be enough grandmother's and Aunties about today to take care of you, my little Colonel. I will get off free for my bad behavior." He asked Jenny, "Did you see the Colonel this morning? Is he well?" "No fever, he was sleeping laying down. There was no blood on the sheets that I saw. I would say that today is a good day." "Indeed, the mistress's love is healing him."

I took some coffee and went up to my rooms. Victor followed me. He was apologetic for his binge with Truit the night before. "Truit fears for the Colonel's life. He just needed to let off some steam. We went to the garret above the stables and had a few too many drinks. Damn chickens woke us this morning." I assured him that it was fine. He commented that I still was in my cloths from yesterday. I nodded, "Georgiana fell asleep in my arms. I never made it back to my room."

He commented that with the plumbing in the house there was little for him to do, that he did not feel the need to attend me so much. I laughed and threatened to have Pemberley plumbed. I had to ask, "What is really going on between you and Truit?" Victor smiled, "Sir, it is not Truit. It is Miss Hill. I seem to rather enjoy our visits with your cousin." "Miss Hill has got to be half your age!" "Miss Hiss is precisely half my age, which is quite appealing. I am planning on sending a letter to Mr. Hill via Mr. Bennett. I may indeed leave your service after all, that is unless you are a more regular visitor to the Colonel's household."

I was shocked, "Victor, you ol' goat. To think that you would find a sweet country lass after all these years?"

I readied myself for the day, dressing with care for the Christening. Breakfast was a quiet affair. Georgiana came down with Ben dressed in the Fitzwilliam christening gown. He was sleeping quietly in her arms. Mrs. Bennett and my Aunt cooed over him and took turns holding him. Rick came down looking quite dapper in a little blue coat. Tink was with him of course. Everyone was gathered for breakfast before adjourning to the church. Everyone but Richard and Elizabeth. Finally they came down. Elizabeth looked lovely, wearing a silvery blue gown and the Fitzwilliam pearls. Her hair was twisted in a braid around her head. She looked lovely. Oh, I have already written that, but I could say that a million times and it would not be enough. Elizabeth was lovely. She had her arm draped on Richard's elbow. He looked so much better. The pale cast was gone from his lips. We took the carriage to the church, even though it was just a block away. Richard walked under his own power up the steps and down the aisle to the font. The ceremony was brief. I was quite surprised when I was called forward to be godfather. Richard had not mentioned that to me. Jane was to be godmother. Truit and Georgiana were our alternates. Afterwards Richard wanted to walk back. Elizabeth asked him is he was sure. It was a lovely day and he nodded. Truit and I, Rick and Tink went with him. Elizabeth was pacing waiting for us as we returned. Richard just smiled at her and kissed her, "I am well." She looked to Truit who nodded, "He did not cough, he did not have to stop to catch his breath. He did very well." Richard frowned at her and took her hand, kissing it, "Believe me when I tell you that your love is healing me."

Late that night I watched as Richard climbed the stairs. I followed him to his room. He was not gasping. I poured him a glass of port and sat down on the settee across from the bed. "It is strange to be in this space that you share with Elizabeth."

"It is strange having you here."

"What happened between last night and now? You seem so much better."

"Elizabeth happened. She told me that I was only fooling myself thinking that she did not know everything. She even knew about the documents. She even knew about Andrew's visit. She berated me for thinking that I could not love and protect her. She was angry with me for regretting our love. Elizabeth angry is a fearsome thing. So I will get better. I really have no choice. I am not ready to leave her. Somehow something changed. I had no fever last night and I slept for the first time in months. This morning I was really hungry."

"I'm glad." The door opened and Elizabeth came in with the baby. She crossed to the bath and started the water. I noticed a bassinette near the bed. Elizabeth laid the baby there, patting him before she moved away. She came to Richard's side and looked at me. "William, it is time my husband gets some rest. You must be tired too." Richard was just looking at her as she started to undo his buttons. She was not even waiting for me to leave. Richard smiled at her and said good night to me. I went downstairs and found Mr. Bennett, my Uncle, Charles and Truit deep in conversation. I joined them. We sat and discussed the situation with Andrew in depth, drinking Richard's port. My Uncle did not give away the contents of the documents that I had signed but in essence assured Mr. Bennett and Charles of his Elizabeth's safety. Before I retired I told my Uncle that I did not think the documents would be needed anytime soon. Richard would be well.

June 1st. Pemberley.

I am here briefly. There are issues with the farm that need to be addressed, projects that need to be launched. I stopped off at Firelake. The tenants are still there but plan on vacating at the end of summer. That fits my plans well. Richard and his family will come to Pemberley for the summer and then go home to Firelake. They will be only 15 miles from Pemberley. I will be able to keep them close. The steward at Firelake has instructions to begin renovations as soon as the tenants vacate.

I must write of the events following the Christening. It has taken me some time to sort it out in my head. I stayed with Richard for two weeks, leaving him just three days ago. He was steadily improving, eating, walking, and playing with the children. His energy was improving. He took back his duty of putting Rick to bed, reading to him and tucking him in. He started teaching again. Elizabeth encouraged him to take things slowly but he ignored her. I caught him on the last day trying to run the obstacle course. I threatened to tell Elizabeth. He threatened to suggest to Charles that Caroline Bingley should join us at Pemberley. Idle threat since he cannot stand her presence any more than I can. Caroline still latches herself to me whenever we are together in London. She still is a parasite on Charles household. How Jane tolerates her I do not know?

Elizabeth always seemed so serene, content. She was always loving and adoring to Richard and the boys. I love watching her with her children, the way she listens to Rick, strokes his cheek, kisses him. She encouraged me to play with them. I pushed swings and caught balls. I ran through the grass. I examined bugs and spiders. I absolutely love being with Rick. I found myself the other day with Rick on my shoulders and little Ben in my arms. Richard just laughed at me. I had dirty shoe prints on my coat and jelly in my hair. Richard pulled Elizabeth to him and whispered something in her ear. She started to cry, pulled away from him and ran into the house. Rick had run off to throw a stick for Tink. Richard came and took Ben from me, "I am in so much trouble with Elizabeth."

"What did you say to her to upset her so? She was perfectly happy one minute and crying in the next."

"I told her that you would be a good father to the boys when I'm gone."

I was shocked and yelled at him, "You are not going anywhere. What an ass you are. I am never going to be a father to these boys. Do you hear me Richard? You are not going to die." I jabbed my finger into him and turned to walk into the house.

I could hear sobbing. I found her in the study, curled up in an armchair. Her body was quaking; she was absolutely wretched, tears streaming down her face. I brought her a glass of water and my handkerchief. She thanked me but was unable to control her tears. "Elizabeth, sweet lady, you know that I love you. You know that I have and will always love you. I love the boys. I love Richard. He is better. He will grow old with you just as he promised."

She fell into my arms and just cried. I pulled her into my lap and held her close, feeling her sorrow. Finally she quieted and said, "I am so tired. I am tired of this pretense that all is well. Richard's injury is like a knife hanging over our head. Richard is getting better but that is from this last episode. You did not see him at his worst."

I suggested, "Now that he is better you just need to fall apart."

She looked at me and nodded, fresh tears falling. "Now that he is better you need someone to be strong for you, to take care of you." She nodded again. I cuddled her to me and whispered, "I will always be here for you, Elizabeth." I could feel her settle. I heard her whisper, "I know." She fell asleep in my arms and I have never felt so content in all my life. I sat there with her for some time. Richard came into the study and looked at me. He knelt before me and traced his wife's face with his fingertips. "And you will be a good husband to my wife when I am gone."

He gathered Elizabeth in his arms and carried her upstairs. I did not see her again that day. I made arrangements to leave the next day. I needed some space away from them. So to Firelake and Pemberley I went.

One other event occurred while I was there. Major Joseph Spillane returned from France. He came for Georgiana. They are engaged to marry in the fall. I spoke to Joseph for some time, invited him to come to Pemberley for the summer. He will come for a few weeks. I told him about my plans to renovate the east wing and wished to have his input. He was surprised by my generosity. I told him that it was actually my selfishness, my desire to keep my sister in my life. He was very understanding.

June 16th. London.

I am, I don't know what I am, frightened, disgusted, powerless, angry. I cannot go to Sandhurst for Andrew is watching. Andrew is an absolute pig. I have sent a missive with the letter. Richard must be warned. Richard will know how to act. I was about to return to Sandhurst and help Richard move his family to Pemberley. He is leaving his post, retiring to Firelake in the fall. I had a stop to make in London to meet with my solicitor and check on Andrew's situation.

My cousin Andrew came to me today. Richard and I have been watching him closely, keeping each other appraised of his dealings. Again he is at the gambling tables. Again he is in the whorehouses. I was quit surprised to see him at my London home; he has not called on me in years. I did not expect his threat. I did not think he had the courage.

We went into my study and he started in. "I want three things from you. One, I want you to never sign any documents regarding the guardianship of Richard's children. Two, I want you to support me in my endeavors to win Elizabeth's favor when Richard dies, and three, I want the thirty thousand pounds that is Georgiana's dowry signed over to me immediately."

Needless to say I was shocked, dumbfounded, astounded. Apparently he does not know that Richard's will and the guardianship have already been signed. I asked him what he thought could ever induce me to do such a thing. He started to laugh, smiling sinisterly, "How old were you when your mother died in childbirth? Twelve. I was nineteen at the time. I remember it well. But more so I remember the year before. I remember the first woman I slept with, the way she took me to her bed and fucked me. I remember it very well because that woman was your mother. I am Georgiana's natural father. I have letters from your mother, so many letters arranging our trysts, and your pathetic father's discovery of the pregnancy. I have but a sample for you." He slammed down a letter written in my mother's hand. "You have three days to arrange for the money, the rest can wait for Richard's death, which should be very soon."

I was shocked and threw him out of my home. Andrew left in a furry. The letter indeed was authentic and indeed spoke of Andrew's claim. I immediately conferred with my father's journals. He mentions that one of my mother's lovers was but a boy, that her choice sickened him. What am I to do? This knowledge could destroy Georgiana. My Aunt and Uncle would be hurt, our family name in ruins. I could never succumb to Andrew's wishes. I will never let Elizabeth and the boys fall into Andrew's power. Every time I see Richard I know that he grows stronger. But the threat to his life is always there. What can be done? I sent Victor in the night to Richard. He will know what to do. I have sent a message to my Uncle. Andrew is watching me. I dare not make a move without Richard's advice.

June 18th. London.

Truit came to my London home late in last night. He had Elizabeth, Georgiana and the boys with him. He handed me a letter from Richard.

_William: I am entrusting you with the care of my wife and children. The documents that Andrew wants you to promise not to sign are in the hands of the courts, assigning over the guardianship of the boys to you. As you promised, if anything should happen to me you must marry Elizabeth quickly and in so doing protect her and the boys from Andrew. You know from your last visit that I have told her about the guardianship and my wishes for her to marry you. She is stubborn but she will do as I wish. _

_Do not fear for Georgiana. Andrew will be stopped. Elizabeth knows everything. She is in complete agreement that I must act. She is only fearful that I may be harmed. Elizabeth believes that it is Georgiana's best interest for her and her fiancé to know the truth. It may come out eventually. Speak to her about how to support Georgiana. _

_I will send word. Richard_

Elizabeth settled the boys and came to me in my study. She sat in a chair by the fire and curled her feet underneath her. I asked her if she needed anything and she only said, "Richard."

Truit came in and told me that he was to reconvene with Richard soon. I asked him what Richard had planned. He told me that it was best that I did not know. Elizabeth intermittently paced, stared at the fire or out the window. I came up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. I pulled her back to lean into my body and she started to weep. She was trembling and cold. I scooped her into my arms. I sat in front of the fire holding her. I could feel her heart beating. I could breath in the scent of her hair. Finally she whispered to me, "I know what he wants for us, if he should die. He has had this all set up for some time. He told me, just in case. William, I cannot loose him."

I asked why she felt she would loose him, "Because he has it all planned out. What my life should be if he should die. He says it helps him be at peace knowing that the children and I will be protected. He bleed in March and you know he will never be as strong as he was before that." She quieted. After some time I noticed that she was sleeping. Fitfully, but asleep.

I eased her onto the sofa and covered her with a blanket. I sat and waited for word eventually closing my eyes. There was noise. Victor woke me. I could see the rays of a new day emerging. Truit had returned with Richard. I watched as Truit was helping Richard up the stairs. Richard was leaning heavily on Truit. I went to help. Richard had dried blood on his mouth, his beard and down his neck and shirt. He was cold and clammy. He spoke, "Elizabeth?" I assured him that she was fine, asleep in the study. He nodded. Truit took him to his room and started to strip him. Victor brought hot water. Richard moved slowly, washing and cleaning his mouth. He asked Truit how he looked. "Like hell, she will know." Richard laughed weakly, "She always does." As he eased himself into bed he drank from a vial. "William, all is well. Georgiana is safe and Andrew has been put in his place. I need to sleep. Please go wake Elizabeth for I will only rest peacefully with her at my side."

I did as he asked. I woke her and told her where he was. She flew out of the room and up the stairs. Her feet barely touched the floor.

Richard was still asleep when his parents came later this morning. All of their homes, Andrew's homes and even Andrew's attorney's offices, home, his bank and club had been ransacked the night before. What was thought to be an impenetrable safe was opened. Nothing appears to have been taken but they were all very frightened. Andrew was found in the alley behind his club. He had been beaten badly but they are assured that he will recover.

I told them that Richard and his family was staying with me. They were puzzled and asked if this had anything to do with the attack on Andrew. I could not answer but my Uncle just nodded, "I see."

The little boys came down and spent some time with their grandparents. The boys were with their parents that morning. Rick said, "Papa has been coughing and has fever. Mamma will make him well." Georgiana went with the boys to the garden and played with them for the rest of the day. Richard and Elizabeth finally emerged from their room. Richard seemed pale and fatigued easily. Elizabeth stayed very close to him. The boys seemed quiet and protective of him.

That evening Richard, my Uncle and I met. He told us that all evidence of a relationship between my mother and Andrew had been destroyed. Letters and trinkets were found all in one location. They had been burned, all except the letter that I had been given. Andrew had been warned. I was shocked to learn that my Uncle had known of Georgiana's parentage all along. Richard confessed that it was he who confronted Andrew. "It was difficult for me to not just end his existence. Killing him would ensure Elizabeth's safety. But he is my brother, my own flesh and blood. I could not do it. I actually begged Elizabeth's forgiveness for not killing him. Father, why is he so hateful?"

My Uncle turned to look into the fire, "My sister Anne was selfish, hateful, greedy. She never cared whom she hurt to get what she wanted. I never understood what it was that she wanted. She hurt her son, her husband all so she could dress up and go to parties, so she could be admired. She was so beautiful, like Georgiana is. But there was ugliness inside her. Andrew has that same ugliness. I did not recognize it until it was to late. I thought that if I doted on him, gave him all that he wanted he would be happy. I thought his happiness would drive the ugliness out."

Richard stared into the fire, "There was a monster inside of me, one that the war nurtured and fed. Elizabeth killed it with one look. She says I killed it, that she had nothing to do with it. How could I have something like that living inside of me and be loved by a woman like her? Yet destroying my monster made it so that last night I could not act in order to protect my wife. I could not kill him."

My Uncle rasped, "There was never such a thing inside of you. You were always the best boy, the best man that I have ever known. You make me so proud."

"Thank you father. Elizabeth is with Georgiana. She is telling her the truth. Major Spillane knows already."

I was shocked, "What gave you the right to tell him without my consent? What gives you the right to tell Georgiana without consulting me?"

Richard sat back, "Do you really think that she should be in the dark? Besides, I needed manpower. I needed men that I could trust. Davidson is Alicia's husband. He is to close. I could not go to him. Spillane loves Georgiana with every fiber of his being and would lay down his life for her. He was appreciative that I came to him for help. He was protecting Georgiana. As for your consent, it is my wife, my children and my cousin that I protect. I do not need your consent to act."

"You told Spillane. What if he should turn away from Georgiana now that he knows what she is?"

"And what is she? How is who she is changed by the knowledge of her conception? She is still the lovely beautiful girl that your father and you raised. She is still the woman that has captured Spillane's heart. He could no more turn away from her than I could have turned away from Elizabeth."

"I should be with her when she hears the truth."

"Elizabeth can handle this. Georgiana will need you later. Trust me William." He looked away, grimaced and started to cough. My Uncle flew to his side. Richard just pushed him away. He coughed up a huge clot of blood. I shouted for Truit. Richard just sat there with his hands on his knees, holding himself up and breathing as calmly and as deeply as he could. Truit looked into the room, rushed off and returned with a vial. Richard drank from it. Truit helped him to rise and walked near him, "I need to get him to bed, excuse me my Lord, Mr. Darcy." Richard stumbled and I caught his arm. His feet were dragging. "The opium knocks him out quickly. It is the only way to stop his coughing." Richard was nearly unconscious. Truit and I were very clumsy with him so I stooped and picked him up as I would Elizabeth. He was heavy. Truit and Victor stood at my side and helped me carry him up the stairs to his bed. Elizabeth saw me and gasped, her hand to her lips to shush her cry. My Uncle, Truit, Victor and Elizabeth helped me get Richard situated in his bed. Elizabeth shooed us out of the room. We stood outside of the door waiting for word. Truit came out and said, "He is breathing, he is not bleeding. He is well. My lady asks that you, sir, Mr. Darcy see to your sister. The boys are asleep for the night but if someone can listen for them, Victor, will you listen for the boys? I will stay here at my post and help my lady with the Colonel."

I went to Georgiana and found her curled up on the window seat of her room looking out at the stars. She saw me and said, "I always sensed that something was wrong. Papa knew and loved me despite Mother's deceit. But Andrew, of all people, why Andrew?"

I was surprised how calm she was. "I don't know. He cannot hurt you anymore. He can not hurt Elizabeth and the boys."

"She told me that Richard has given you guardianship over the boys, that she must marry you upon his death to keep Rick safe from Andrew."

"Yes. That is true. It is the only way to circumvent the law."

"You would have a family. You would not be alone anymore."

"I would loose Richard. Elizabeth would loose Richard. That is to high a price to pay for ending my loneliness."

"You really have changed."

I kissed her and asked her if she needed anything. She wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

I returned to my room to write. I worry about Richard. Seeing him unconscious like that was disturbing. I do not want him to die. Georgiana's statement that I have changed felt very good.

June 24th. London.

Richard recuperated from this last episode quickly. He has consented to dose himself with opium. He hates it. Major Spillane came frequently to see Georgiana. Their engagement announcement was placed in the papers. My lovely Aunt Catherine wrote of her disapproval. I could care less. My Aunt and Uncle like the man quite a bit. My Uncle has known since Georgiana's birth that she was Andrew's. My Aunt just now learned the truth. Georgiana is their granddaughter. Though they can never acknowledge her as such publically that fact has been a great comfort to us all.

Richard returned with his family to Sandhurst. He has officially resigned his post. The family is packing their house up and will meet me at Pemberley in a few weeks.

I saw Andrew at his club. I could see a healing scar on his throat. I walked up to him and stared straight into his eyes. He just looked at me. I could feel the bile rising in his throat. I smiled and leaned down to whisper in his ear, "Unlike my cousin, I would not have stopped." I called the manager over and asked him loudly so that everyone could hear, "Has this man paid his bill? I know that his father, the Earl of Matlock, no longer sponsors him. I know that his family has disowned him, and even as his cousin, I can not recommend his entrance into our society."

Andrew rose up and snarled at me, "How dare you?"

I turned on him, "How dare I? How dare you show your face here?"

He turned to the crowd that had gathered, "I am the Viscount Fitzwilliam, heir to the Matlock title. He is just a farmer from Derbyshire."

I was about to issue a rebuttal when a man stood in the crowd, "You are the brother of the Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam, Commandant of Sandhurst, decorated hero of many campaigns, a man to whom I owe the life of my son. I know that the Colonel considers Mr. Darcy of Derbyshire a brother. I know that he has no love for you and the reason why. I know that you are a man without honor."

Andrew could not back down, "And who are you?"

The man laughed and walked away. Andrew started yelling, "See, he is a nobody. He tells lies. My brother is a lowly soldier. I am a Viscount."

The manager indicated to some footmen to remove Andrew and informed him loudly, "The man is the Prime Minister, you idiot." The crowd laughed at Andrew and he was removed.

I worry that our attack on Andrew may leave him thinking he has nothing more to loose. I have placed trusted men in the position of just watching over Andrew and reporting to me.

July 8th. Pemberly.

Richard and his family are here. Rick ran to my arms and I lifted him high into the air. I love the way my Godson laughs. He looks so much like Richard would have as a child. Ben is just over two months old. His eyes are still so blue, he looks more and more like Richard every time I see him but with Elizabeth's dark hair. He smiles and gurgles. Elizabeth looks well, less tired. Richard has gained back some weight. His color is better. He moves less stiffly.

I did notice Miss Jenny Hill and Victor eyeing each other. I had to laugh. Georgiana has come home to stay until her wedding in the fall. All of her things are being delivered. Richard wanted her to have the piano that he bought her but she thought it best to have it delivered to Firelake. They continue to argue over that issue. Elizabeth told me with a chuckle, "I don't think either knows were it is to be delivered, they have argued over it so much."

I have given explicit instructions to Mrs. Reynolds and my staff that everything is to be done to ensure the enjoyment and rest of my cousin's family. I had hammocks hung under some trees on the west lawn and a swing hung. There is a new addition to the stables, a pony for Rick. I know that he is very young but I could not help myself. There are new picture books in the nursery.

Elizabeth noticed everything and thanked me.

July 30th. Pemberly.

I have been so busy, so happy. Pemberley is quite full with guests. The Bingley's are here with their little one. My Aunt and Uncle are here. My Cousin Alicia and her husband, her baby are here. The Bennett's are here. The Gardiner's are here with their four children. Georgiana's young man just left. We had a lovely birthday party for Rick. Chocolate cake, ice cream, kites, and pony rides for the children. Champagne and dancing for the grown ups.

Richard is better, he spends most of his time playing with Rick, holding his baby and loving Elizabeth. Rarely is she far from his side. I love watching her. I love catching Richard watching her, smiling to himself. What is even more astounding is watching her respond to Richard's gaze.

Elizabeth and the ladies spend some time together every day. But she rarely stays away from Richard for long. It is like she is drawn to him. It is funny to watch them come together after they have been separated for a while. They have to touch.

I teased Richard about it. He just smiled. "I am an addict. She is worse than opium, she intoxicates me with her touch and I cannot get enough. Speaking of, I think I am in need of my wife. Excuse me." I watched him running towards her. He is getting stronger. He has started running again. Elizabeth goes with him. They run in the early mornings. Elizabeth wears a long shirt and fencing tights. Richard bought them for her when they were first married. I watched them when they came back one morning. They were falling into the walls of the hallway, kissing and embracing. Richard's hands were cupped under her bottom and he lifted her up on the wall. Her leg wrapped around him. He is like a newlywed. I am happy for him, for them.

My Aunt and Uncle are very pleased with Richard's recovery, my Aunt especially. She tries to spend time alone with Elizabeth, talking to her about God only knows what. Today I was in the garden discussing a rotting tree branch with one of the gardeners. There was some debate about taking the whole tree down or just pruning back the diseased part. Apparently Elizabeth had her opinions stating that if they rubbed bees wax into the wound the tree would be protected from rot. I sat there wondering about the issue when I heard the ladies talking. They were sitting on a bench not far away. Always the voyeur, I eavesdropped. Apparently my Aunt had the impression that breastfeeding was a means to prevent pregnancy and keeping one's husband at bay. Elizabeth laughed, assuring her that nothing would keep her husband away. Breastfeeding did help delay another pregnancy, a woman's courses would not return so soon. Spacing children was important for the health of the mother and the child. The women were watching as Elizabeth moved Ben from one breast to the other. Alicia asked if it interfered with intimacy and Elizabeth laughed, "No, in some ways it augments intimacy. Though it is in no means a sexual act, feeding my baby with my body creates a bond of intimacy with the baby. Each and every time I am focused on the love that I have for my baby. Sometimes I think of the intimate moment when our bodies came together to create Ben and now this moment in which I feed him is an extension of that moment. Richard knows how I feel. Sometimes when he is watching me nurse I know what will follow when I put the baby down to nap, pleasure. Richard will come to me and nourish me with his love and passion."

Alicia asked, "Do you not find his attentions annoying?"

Elizabeth laughed, "No. I am an addict. I hunger for Richard all the time."

Jane pointed out, "But surely not on Sundays, or when you are with child?"

Elizabeth laughed again, "What better way to worship on Sundays than to enjoy God's gift of ones husband?"

Alicia gasped, "I thought you were such a lady!"

Elizabeth retorted, "There is nothing unladylike about honoring your marriage vows. Did you not vow to worship Davidson with your body? I was there at your wedding and heard you utter those words. When I married Richard I had no idea what those words meant but each and every time I come to him I do everything in my power to keep those vows. Now the vow of obedience, that one I would have no trouble breaking."

My Aunt laughed at her, "I am sure that you have broken that vow on occasion."

Elizabeth moved her baby to her other breast, "Yes, in little ways such as please don't eat the last piece of pie but not on the larger issues. When it comes time, I will obey him though it will break my heart to do so."

"Elizabeth, whatever do you mean?"

She started to weep, "If he becomes ill again, I will not allow him to suffer. He promises to obey me and take the opium. And if he should die, I must obey him and follow the plan he has laid out for me." I watched as Ben reached his little hand to her face, touching the tears that were falling.

My Aunt retorted that Richard was so much better, that everything was well and she hissed back, "Yes everything is well for this moment. But every moment, every breath is a gift."

I came out of my hiding place and knelt in front of Elizabeth, touching her knee, "Let me take you to him." She just looked at me. She handed Ben to me and took my hand, "Thank you William." She turned to the ladies, "Alicia, Jane, Helena, Georgiana do not waste one moment with your husbands. Love them. Take pleasure in them. Let them feel your adoration. Every moment is a gift."

I carried Ben in my arms up to the west lawn. Richard was there with Rick and his father, Alicia's husband and Charles. They were setting up a cricket course. Elizabeth just looked stopped and looked at him. "Stay here, I will get him for you." "No, he is having fun. He does not need a weepy needy wife." "You are being ridiculous. You are all he needs." I went to Richard and told him what happened. Elizabeth was running away towards the house. Richard looked at me, "Thank you. Watch the boys." I watched him chase her down and gather her into his arms. I could tell that she was arguing with him, being stubborn. He scooped her up and carried her into the house.

We did not see Elizabeth or Richard for a very long time. Jenny did tap on their door when Ben was hungry. Truit brought them a tray of food and beverages at dinner. Rick went in for bedtime stories and kisses. I did see them together in the nursery putting the boys down. Entertaining the rest of my guests that night was funny. Everyone was a bit distracted. Their passion was infectious and all of the married couples seemed to retire to bed a bit early. Only Truit and I were left. Even Victor and Jenny had disappeared. Thank God Georgiana's major had left the day before.

I went to my room to write. I needed a new quill and went into the study to get one. I could hear them. I could hear the cries of passion. Richard has no idea how his voice carries. He was angry with her for needing him and not wanting to bother him. "How dare you deny your need?" Her response was to scream his name, pleading with him to stop torturing her. I had to chuckle. That is until I came back to this, these pages. I take my pleasure by writing. No one touches me. No one screams my name in need. No one hungers for me.

August 30th. Pemberley.

Everyone but Georgiana is gone. And she will be gone soon. The wedding preparations are almost complete. Elizabeth and my Aunt were a huge help. The dress has only another fitting, the menu selected, the invitations sent, guest lists, everything is done. We are to have a ball at Pemberley the night before the wedding. Guest rooms are ready and assigned. Richard and Elizabeth helped me host an engagement party. Spillane's family is delightful.

Before the Bennett's left we had an elegant little wedding for Jenny Hill and Victor. I gave them a week vacation at my father's favorite retreat, Lake Cottage. It is about sixty miles north in the Lake District, just a tiny cottage on a lake. It is perfect for fishing or romance. I had thought to take Elizabeth there so many years ago when I had first proposed to her.

Richard and Elizabeth have moved into Firelake. I spent a few nights there helping them sort through their things. Elizabeth and I sorted the books together. Georgiana's piano is there as is Richard's harp. Elizabeth had a guest room set aside for me, just down the hall from the nursery. She teased me that Rick had picked the room out for me, wanting me close. I understood why the estate is called Firelake. At twilight the lake to the west lights up in the sunset. It is quite enchanting. I was watching Richard walking by the lake. He seemed deep in thought, toying with a long piece of grass. He was looking at something, focusing intently. It was Elizabeth walking towards him. I watched them talking there in the sunset. He had dropped to his knees hugging her body to him. She was running her hands through his hair, lifting his face to hers. I wondered what they were saying to each other.

October 10th. Pemberley.

Today was my 31st birthday. My sister married at the end of September. The wedding was absolutely lovely thanks to my Aunt and Elizabeth's planning. The fact that the couple was so in love may have had something to do with the delightful affair. I truly like and respect Spillane. He is a perfect match for Georgiana. Walking her down the aisle with Richard was such an honor. My father would have been so proud.

She and her husband honeymooned for two weeks at the sea house, just as Elizabeth and Richard had done. Now they have returned to spend a week with me before moving to London. They will eventually make their home here with me but for now Spillane's career keeps him in London. She is very happy. She looked so very beautiful.

Richard came with his family for my party. I have had a party every year since Richard married Elizabeth. I could list of my presents but no; my favorite one was from Rick. He gave me a picture that he drew of his family. It is done in crayon and we look more like candy than people but his family was not of four but five. I was included. I think I will find a frame for it and keep it in my room. I will wish to look at it before I fall asleep and when I awake.

Elizabeth seemed somewhat withdrawn. Richard seemed tired. Truit confirmed my suspicions, "The Colonel has had another episode." Richard left me a letter in my study asking that I not open it today, to depressing for my birthday.

October 11th. Pemberley.

I took my coffee in my study and opened the letter.

_William,_

_You are intuitive. You can probably see it. I had another episode right after Georgiana's wedding. It was very close. I have never come so close to death before, not even when I was originally injured. I had one of the stable boys prepared to ride to you with a letter. On it was one word, come. Since then I learned that Andrew had a man planted just a mile from the estate. He is spying on me. Andrew is at Gandly with Antonia waiting for me to die. He has men with him ready to come and take my son. The spy is now gone and I have my own army at Firelake. The men that live on the estate are all former soldiers that have served under me. Andrew has underestimated the power of a dying man. There is not a man employed by Andrew that owes him loyalty beyond their pay. There is not a man living on Firelake who would not lay down his life to protect my family. _

_I have a carriage prepared and ready to take Elizabeth and the children to Pemberley under guard. I have a rider poised to take a letter to you if I should fall ill. I know that you have duties in London and perhaps on your other properties. I ask that you stay close. It cannot be long now._

_Richard_

I could not help myself. I started to cry. Georgiana found me in my study and I showed her the letter. She held my head to her body and rocked me back and forth.

November 30th. Firelake.

This last month I have spent more time in a saddle than any other time in my life. I try to go to Firelake at least once a week. I can ride the route in my sleep. Georgiana's husband has been reposted. He his billeted in Derby, only ten miles away from Pemberley and 15 from Firelake. Georgiana stays with me. Spillane's men patrol the area between Firelake and Gandly. Richard is aware of the man that I employed to watch Andrew and we have added to that surveillance. My Uncle cannot talk Andrew out of his plan to take Rick. Even though I would maintain control over Richard's wealth Andrew will not stop. I think his motivation is to gain access to Elizabeth. It sickens me.

When I came to Firelake today every fear I have ever had for my cousin came true. I knocked. There was no answer. No one seemed to be in the house. I entered and found Truit cleaning the floor of what looked like blood. Truit was actually crying. I asked him what had happened. He seemed surprised that I was already there. The express rider had just left for Pemberley. He broke down and told me that his Colonel is dying. Richard had a coughing fit that morning and started to bleed from his lungs. Truit actually sobbed as he described what had happened, "Great volumes of blood come from his lungs. He could not take a breath and collapsed. My Lady Colonel cradled him in her arms and clung to him refusing to let him go. The doctor that saw Richard at Sandhurst warned that the next incident would kill him. Each time he bleeds he looses more of his lungs. Soon he will not be able to breath at all. The metal is moving, tearing his body apart. Elizabeth had been searching for a cure for some time, an operation, or some medicine, anything to save him. The doctors assure her that any surgical attempt would kill him. Time, calm, rest, is all they can offer him. He has not woken up. He is so pale. His heart was barely beating. Mr. Darcy, my Colonel is dying."

I went up to his rooms and found him lying unconscious on his bed with Elizabeth wrapped around him. She must have sensed my presence for she rose. I watched her kiss Richard's brow and run her fingers through his hair. Richard was so pale; a sheen of cold sweet was on his brow. She signaled for me to be quiet. Jenny, the maid moved in from the hall to sit at his side. Elizabeth came up to me and motioned for me to follow her down the hall. As she walked she began to weep. I reached out to comfort her and she pulled away and cried, "Forgive me, William, I can not seek comfort. Not while my Richard suffers so. I am ashamed to say this but I would give anything, anything for him to be well." I heard the sound of the boys down the hall and watched as Elizabeth startled. She stood up straight and whipped her eyes; "I can not let them see me like this." She slid behind the door to my bedroom. I followed. "Tell me Elizabeth, What can I do?"

"Richard wants me to go away. He wants me safe at Pemberley. I cannot leave him and he is too weak to move. Do not take me away from him. Promise me that you will not take me away from him."

I promised. I would stay with her and protect her. I would send for my Uncle. I pulled her into my arms and held her close. She started to weep but something in her demeanor changed. She looked positively green, like she was going to be ill. Indeed she was. She pushed me away and reached for the washbasin and vomited. She whipped her face and stood with a resolved look in her eye. I offered her some water and she refused. "He is not going to die, not if I have anything to say about it. I will heal him with my love. He will rest. There is fresh air and quiet. The boys need him. I need him. I will not let him go. I will grow old with him. William, I am with child. I am going to have another baby. I can not loose him now, not when this baby has yet to feel his love."

"Tell me, what can I do?"

"Please, just do what you are already doing. Reassure Richard, convince him to fight for me. Be here for the boys. Help me make him well. William, I cannot loose him. I will not loose him.' She started shaking, 'I will not be able to follow him for so long, the children need me. I vowed never to leave him. He promised me he would never leave me. He promised."

I realized what she meant. She could not follow him in death. She started to weep and tremble. I placed my hands on her shoulders to draw her to me and hold her close. She fell into a million pieces. Her tears were soaking through my waistcoat, my shirt. Elizabeth was in my arms and she needed me. It was all I ever wanted.

Slowly she calmed and pulled away. I gave her my handkerchief. "I must look a fright." I assured her that she looked absolutely lovely. The noise of the boys drew her attention and she took a deep breath and left the room. I watched her as she checked on Richard and went to the boys. Rick was playing with Ben on the rug in the nursery. Ben was just seven months old and Elizabeth was pregnant again. I was worried for her. She was tired all the time. She was still nursing Ben. Surely this was too much on her body.

Elizabeth knelt down on the rug and picked up Ben, cuddling him to her chest. Rick was talking fast, showing her a picture that he had drawn. She was smiling and encouraging him. Such a beautiful site. Never had I had one such moment with my mother. Elizabeth was everything lovely. Rick asked about his Papa, asking when he could see his Papa. Elizabeth sought my eyes and than turned to Rick and held his hand as she cuddled Ben. I heard her strong voice quaver, "Rick, I need you to be strong for me and for Ben. Papa is very ill. Papa is in his room. He was coughing this morning and collapsed. He has not woken yet. We need to take very good care of Papa and give him all the rest and comfort we can."

That brave little boy stood up very straight and asked, "Will Papa be well?"

Elizabeth was not one to hide from the truth, "The doctors told us that Papa will not get better, that Papa may die. But I will not give up hope. Papa is a very strong man."

Rick than frowned and snapped, "Those doctors are wrong. Papa will get better. I am going to pray for Papa every morning, every night."

Elizabeth smiled and hugged her boys to her chest, "Yes, we must pray for Papa and be thankful for every moment we have with him."

Rick started to cry, "Can I see him Mamma?" She nodded and took Rick's hand. She handed Ben to me. As Rick passed me he paused and took my hand. I went with him to see Richard. Rick let go of us and stepped forward to see Richard. I watched as that brave little boy ran his hands through Richard's hair and touched his pale face. Rick stood on his tiptoes and kissed Richard's nose. He stepped back and started to cry. Ben was sucking his thumb furiously, crying quietly. Elizabeth hugged Rick to her, he asked, "Why is he so pale and cold? Why does he not respond to my touch? Mamma please, make him better."

"We are all doing everything we can to make Papa better."

Richard stirred and opened his eyes. He called to his son, "Rick, how are you my little man?"

Rick came to his Papa and started to weep, "I am being very brave."

Richard took the little boys hand and squeezed it, "Yes you are. You are the best boy any Papa could ever ask for. So smart, so brave."

"Papa, are you going to get better?"

"Rick, more than anything in the world I would want to tell you yes, but it is not looking very good for your Papa. I will fight to stay alive."

The little boy was crying and flew into Elizabeth's arms. Elizabeth's tears were falling silently. I could see Richard's nod to her asking to take the boys from the room. She wrapped Rick in her arms left the room with Ben. I watched her go and than turned to Richard. He was gasping for breath. I held his hand and asked what I could do for him. He was fading, gasping, he said, "Love Elizabeth, protect her and the boys. Never leave her." He slipped away into unconsciousness. Elizabeth came into the room as I sat there watching him breath so shallow, so pale and dusky. She lay down on the bed beside him and kissed his cheek, "Leave us, please. I wish to be alone with Richard."

I left the room and wept. Truit was in the hall with little Ben in his arms. The little boy was just seven months old and you could see that he knew. He was sucking his thumb furiously. "Come help me with the boys." We went to the nursery and I read stories to the boys, and finally they fell asleep. Rick and Ben were tucked into the little bed with me. Never had I loved anyone like I loved those little boys at that moment. I woke sometime in the night to find that Ben was wet and resting on my chest. I managed to change Ben's diaper. The little boy woke for a moment. I lay him down in his crib and attempted to sing to him. He went back to sleep. I went to my room to find clean shirt. After changing I was wandering about the house. I could not help myself but I peaked into Richard and Elizabeth's room. Richard was breathing easier and Elizabeth was laying there in his arms wearing the slightest of gowns. Her hair was down in a loose braid. Her eyes turned to me and she indicated that all was well and snuggled down into Richard's body. I closed the door and took a deep breath.

December 20th. Firelake

I have only been home to Pemberley for a day or two since Richard became ill. His fevers lasted over two weeks. Elizabeth had doctors into see him. No one could offer any help. Whenever he was awake he was in pain. Elizabeth would force him to eat, to drink and then to take the opium. One morning Elizabeth woke to realize that his fever had broken. Richard was awake and argumentative. He did not want the opium. He wanted his head clear. I know that she sneaks it into his tea at night. I know that he knows she does it.

Richard has been up walking in the house with Truit, Victor or myself at his side. He does not want Elizabeth to help him. He fears that he is too weak and could hurt her. But she is always there at his side. The little boys know something is terribly wrong. Rick sits with him. The little boy is trying to learn to read so that he can read to his Papa. Often he makes up stories while he turns pages. Richard spends a lot of time holding Ben, playing with him. He told me that he fears that Ben will be too young to have any memories of him. At that comment Elizabeth fumed, "You aren't dead yet, Richard Fitzwilliam."

Richard called me to his side the other day to speak with me, "William, I can not die. Elizabeth is with child. It's going to be a little girl. I want to see her. I want to spoil her, buy her pretty things, dance with her. I want to see my little girl grow up." He started to weep. "I know this is silly, for I want to see the boys become men. I want to teach them to ride and send them of to university. I want to see what kind of women they will fall in love with. But a daughter is different."

"Elizabeth told me a few weeks ago that she was with child. It was the day you got sick."

"Really, she was probably only a few weeks along. We knew right away. I felt it right away. It was to early for her to conceive. Ben is still too young. Her body was not ready. We were surprised when it happened but she is so happy."

"How is it you know right away? How do you know it's a girl?"

"This is Elizabeth's third pregnancy. The first time I just suspected. I felt it. Her scent changes immediately. It is subtle. The second time I knew it. This time it happened just the same. She smells and tastes different to me. Elizabeth feels that this baby is different. She is not so ill and the baby seems content. Elizabeth says the baby comforts her. It must be a girl."

"What is the plan to stay alive?"

"I don't know. I will do everything Elizabeth says. I will rest. I will take her horrid concoctions. I made a deal with her." His breathing became ragged and he shifted in pain. "I will stay alive until I can hold the baby that she carries in my arms if she will obey me."

"What do you mean?"

"She must obey me even after I am gone. She must do as I have asked and marry you. She cannot wait to grieve or mourn. She must marry you immediately. It is the only way to keep her and my children safe. I will do everything I must to stay alive until the baby is born and she must marry you."

"Richard, you can't force her to do this. There has to be another way."

"This is the best way. Tell me you have not always wanted her as your wife."

"Wanting her does not have anything to do with forcing Elizabeth into a marriage that she does not desire."

"Elizabeth does desire this marriage. She does not wish to be vulnerable to Andrew. I actually see Andrew's threats as a blessing. It speeds up the inevitable. She will marry you eventually."

"Why would Elizabeth ever choose to marry me?"

"You idiot, because she loves you. She has always loved you.' He laughed at me, 'I am choosing her future. I am choosing you as the best man that I know, as a man who needs the love of a woman like Elizabeth, as a man who will always treat her as I would. I am choosing a life filled with love and happiness for her. I have always known that she has deep feelings for you. She and I have spoken of it. I wish her to allow herself to love again. I will not have her grieve for me."

"Elizabeth's heart will not forget you so easily."

"You are correct in that statement. Elizabeth is stubborn. You will have to wait a long time for her realize how much she loves you. It will not be easy. Be patient, be gentle yet be firm. Do not let her deny her need."

"How can you speak of this? How can you wish for her to love again?"

"It is surprisingly easy. I have been too close to dying. I know things that I should not. It leaves me somewhat selfish. I know that my life is ebbing. I know that I will leave behind the most precious thing in this world, and the children that I have created with her. I want the very best for them. Knowing that I have Elizabeth's promise to marry you gives me great comfort. I want her to be happy. I want her to be loved. I want her safe. I want the children to have a good and compassionate father. And William, you have been unloved and alone all your life. Is it not time for you to find happiness? You deserve happiness, happiness that I have kept from you for too long."

"I am happy. I am not alone. I have you and your family."

"You need a woman in your bed. You need to feel a woman's body beneath yours as you pour yourself into her and have that woman scream your name."

I hissed at him like a snake, "I will never have that with Elizabeth. She will always be your wife. If we were ever to lay together do you think for one moment that she would forget you?"

"Elizabeth will never forget me. But do not underestimate her ability to love you."

I could not stand it anymore and walked away but not before I told him that he was full of shit. I could hear him laughing at me. Elizabeth was decorating the house for the Christmas holidays. Rick was helping her and Ben was perched in a sling at Elizabeth's waist. I offered to help her and lifted Rick up so that he could string the greenery up high. She smiled at me. She looked tired. I suggested that she sit and give directions to us. She did as I asked. I think I lifted Rick up fifty times in the next hour as we hung garlands and decorations. I listened intently as she told the boys the story of the first Christmas as she lay out the crèche. I watched her tell stories about the Christmas decorations; the shells that she and Richard had gathered on the beach during their honeymoon; the cut paper snowflakes that she and Richard made on their first Christmas. I felt him. He was standing there watching, leaning against the door jam. He smiled at his wife and she returned the gaze. He came into the room and joined her on the floor with the boys. Richard pulled Elizabeth to his body and told the boys silly stories about their first Christmas. Rick listened intently as Ben sucked his thumb and twirled a lock of Elizabeth's hair in his fingers.

January 1st, Firelake.

Christmas at Firelake was lovely yet so very sad. Elizabeth wanted it to be memorable for Rick and so it was. She had the young artist from Sandhurst do a family portrait. The artist had known Richard from the early years of his marriage and captured that image per Elizabeth's instructions. Richard was touched. She also had taken the braid of hair from his watch and wove in a lock of Ben's hair. Richard gave Rick the papers to Blaze's newest foal. He and Rick went out to the stables Christmas morning to see the little horse. Richard assured him that the horse would grow to be the size of Blaze.

Richard gave Elizabeth a bracelet with an engraving on the inside that I did not see. But I know that it meant something deeply personal to them.

He had a jeweler come to Firelake and had some pieces made for the baby. He had a gift made for her on her eighteenth birthday, and for her wedding day. He had a box filled with letters and gifts for her, this baby that we had not yet felt movement from. He said that her name would be Bethany, Beth for short. It made Elizabeth cry.

His parents, Georgiana and her husband joined us for the festivities. My Aunt and Uncle were very subdued. Richard had to scold them for their behavior. I do not think he sees his decline the way we do. He is thin. His bones protrude from his body. His cloths hang from him. His eyes are huge in deep sockets. When Richard gave them their Christmas gift, the news of the baby, they started to cry.

Elizabeth plays with the children. She still nurses Ben as much as she can but I notice that he is eating from a spoon much sooner than Rick did. Elizabeth has not gained any weight and I believe she is actually thinner. I am worried for her.

I watch her pour herself into Richard and the children and I wonder if there is anything left for herself. But every so often I see it. I see Richard hold her, kiss her and love her.

For New Years Eve Richard arranged fireworks. Rick loved them but little Ben was frightened. He snuggled into Elizabeth's cloak and hid. She went inside to comfort him. When the show was done the snow started to fall on que. I went inside and found Elizabeth and Ben curled up in the nursery. Elizabeth was quietly crying. Ben was sound asleep. I took her hand and guided her out into the hall. I pulled her into my arms and kissed the top of her head as she sobbed. I could feel her hands clinging to my shirt underneath my coat. She was wretched and in pain. I felt her stiffen and I felt his gaze. Richard was standing there. He had Rick in his arms. The little boy had gone to sleep. How Richard managed to carry him I do not know? I released Elizabeth and took the little boy to the nursery. I could see Elizabeth turn away from him. I heard him tell her. "I told you that you loved him. I told you that you would find solace in him. You will be alright without me."

I heard her response, "Shut up Richard. I really don't like you right now. In fact I think may hate you."

"You can never hate me Elizabeth, you love me. You are angry because of our situation. Beth, it is the New Year. Please let me wish you a happy New Year as we have all of the others that we have shared."

She softly said, "Richard, you can just go rot hell. This will not be a happy new year."

I watched him take her in his arms and she melted into him. "Beth, my Beth, this will be a happy new year. Our little girl will come."

She sobbed, "And you will leave me."

"And I will go rot in hell. For I have sinned. I loved selfishly. I was told my injuries would be fatal and I would not believe. I wanted you and I took you."

"You will rot in hell for what you are saying to me now. You never took me. I was yours. I knew about your injuries. I knew the risk I took marrying you. I knew from the very beginning. Do you think I would give up one moment with you?"

"No, you would not because you love me. Come to bed with me, come let me love you."

February 20th. Firelake.

Again I see that I have been remiss in writing. I have been so busy. I am managing Pemberley with the help of my steward and Georgiana. Her husband is there as much as possible, coming home to her at Pemberley or Firelake every few days. He is very attentive to her. Spillane has taken over the issue of security at Firelake. My Uncle informs us that Andrew has been on a drunken binge for some time. He keeps issuing his threats. We occasionally hear about his men snooping around the neighborhood trying to hear rumors of Richard's wellbeing. My Aunt Catherine sent one of her minions to call on Richard, non other than Mr. Collins. Elizabeth would not allow him entrance. I was quite proud of her. I still receive letters from my Aunt warning me against an alliance with Richard and his wife. She actually said that his illness is what he deserved, allowing a country harlot into his bed. She recommends that I align myself with Andrew. She believes that Elizabeth should not be allowed to raise the future Earl of Matlock. I showed my Uncle the letters and together we issued a writ denouncing any connection to her from the House of Matlock and the Estate of Pemberley. It was posted in all the London papers.

Jane and Charles come frequently to Firelake, never staying long. Jane worries and frets. She cries whenever she sees Richard. It gets on Elizabeth's nerves.

Richard was actually outside with Rick and Tink building a snowman when I came today. He smiled at me, "It is worth Elizabeth's wrath." I had not seen him in a weak and the changes were dramatic. Once inside Elizabeth plied him with warm tea and unwrapped him from his layers and layers of coats and sweaters. Finally I saw Richard in just his shirt and trousers. He is a walking skeleton. Elizabeth took him upstairs to take a hot bath. Once he was out of sight I felt the tears fall. Victor caught me and said, "Do not let the boys see you crying about Richard's appearance. It is hard enough on them." I consented. Victor has not returned to Pemberley for some time. He is staying with his wife, helping Elizabeth and Truit manage Richard. I asked how much help he was needing. Richard needed a lot of help. He had been out playing with Rick. It was all a well ochrastrated show for the boys. Richard had exhausted himself. It was true, he slept for the rest of the day.

Elizabeth came down to spend some time with me and the boys before dinner. I could finally see the baby. I still could not see if she had gained any weight but she was clearly showing. Ben was crawling all over now. Rick and Tink were a great help keeping him contained. Ben would pull up on the tables, chairs, pulling books off of shelves and breakables off of tables. I noticed that everything was placed up high. Rick got out the basket of blocks and started to build forts and castles. Ben knocked them down as fast as Rick built them. It was a delightful game. Elizabeth sat on the floor with the boys and was chatting with them, handing Ben little blocks. Ben had started talking and could say simple words like dog, Tink, Mamma, Papa and now Wills. Jenny came and called Rick to come take his tea in the kitchen. She took Ben away with her.

Elizabeth and I were alone. She asked me, "Tell me for I can not allow myself to see it. How bad does he look to you?" I was honest with her, "He is like a walking skeleton."

"He is too tired to eat. He has no appetite. He says eating interferes with breathing. When we are laying together I notice that his right chest does not move anymore. When I put my ear to his chest there is no sound of air moving. I heard of a surgeon in London who had done some operations on the chest cavity. But it turns out those surgeries are actually autopsies. He would be happy to see Richard after he is dead. He is curious to see what has occurred. The bastard had raised my hopes with our initial correspondence. One doctor says Richard's symptoms sound like consumption and offered treatment. It is exactly what we have been doing all along. I can't give up. I write letters every day. I have read piles of medical journals and books but nothing offers me hope. He hates the opium. But he is in pain. I don't know if he can last until the baby comes."

"He promised you that he would stay with you until the baby came."

"Do you know of the bargain he made with me?"

"Yes."

"If he cannot last I will still honor his wishes. I need to protect Rick. But I will only do so if you are willing. There must be other options."

"I did not make a bargain. I made a vow to love and protect you and the children not only to him but to you, to the boys and to myself."

She spoke coldly, looking into the fire. "I will never be a good wife to you. This is so unfair for you. You should have a proper wife, one who will place you first in her heart."

"Elizabeth, I don't care if you have room for me in your heart. I don't care if you are a proper, a good wife. I want you to be with me as Richard's grieving widow, as my friend." I tried to make a joke, "Besides, it will take me years to get over loosing Richard. I don't think I could be anything more to you than Richard's grieving brother."

She chuckled, "Well that will make things difficult."

"How so?"

"Richard wants us to be happy together, to find passion and love with one another. He told me that you have been alone all of your life. He said that you were in desperate need of my love. If you are going to be moping around grieving for Richard, our marriage will never be anything more than a farce."

"If one or both of us can not move forward because our hearts have been broken by Richard's loss than a farce is perfectly acceptable to me. I only promised Richard that I would love you and protect you. I did not promise him that I would force either of us to forget him."

Elizabeth started to weep. "Really. You would accept that?" I could barely hear her whisper. I took her chin in my hand and looked into her eyes. "Yes Elizabeth. I love you with every fiber of my being. But this being also loves Richard." I wrapped my arms around her and tucked my chin on her head. She fit there perfectly. Richard had written that he loved that he could do this very thing. We stayed that way for a long time. My cloths were soaked by her tears. She patted the damp stains and said, "Victor had better get used to this condition. Thank goodness tears do not stain."

She turned to listen to someone moving upstairs. Then she placed her hand on her belly. "William, come feel. She is moving." She placed my hand on her abdomen. I could feel the baby under my palm. I smiled.

"You don't seem to be gaining very much weight. I remember how you glowed and how round your face became with Rick and Ben. Are you taking good care of yourself?"

"If you start in on my like Richard, Helena, Georgiana, Jane I will be very upset with you. I have enough people harassing me about my health. I am a little preoccupied keeping her father alive. I am doing the best I can. It is very hard to eat when Richard is starving."

"Oh Elizabeth." She got up and left me.

March 18th. Firelake.

So much happened in just the last week.

I have made myself an absolute nuisance and pest. I have my chef at Pemberley making pies, tarts, pastries and cookies. They are making pots of stews and soups. They are making salads and breads. Every few days a delivery arrives from Pemberley. Truit and Victor ply Richard with rich soups and stews filled with vegetables, meat, cream broths, everything light and easy to chew and swallow. Richard actually looks better. Elizabeth is my special project. I promise her chocolate croissant in exchange for her consumption of a sandwich and salad. Richard has been well enough to sit at the table for breakfast, tea, and dinner. He eats very little at a time. I remember when we were young how much he would eat. But he is eating much more frequently now. I do not see him loosing any more weight. Not that he has any left to loose.

Elizabeth has finally started to glow and her cheeks are round. Aunt Helena is pleased. Elizabeth has enough confidence to leave the house for a few moments every day. She had feared being away from Richard. She has started walking around the lake, in the gardens and in the woods. I often go with her. We sometimes talk, mostly about the children and Georgiana. It is still hard for me to see Georgiana as a woman. But lately I have noticed how she behaves around her husband. I see how he looks at her and the responding smile. I asked Elizabeth if she thought Georgiana was happy. Elizabeth smiled, "Georgiana is very happy in her marriage. She is finding that her role of wife to be very satisfying." I must have made a face. "It must be hard for you to accept the fact that your baby sister has a lover." "She does not have a lover. She has a proper and respectable marriage." Elizabeth teased, "She vowed to worship her husband with her body. She is Joseph's lover and finds deep satisfaction in fulfilling the obligations of that vow." "And you know this how?" "Georgiana and I talk about these things. The Major was treating her like glass and she needed some guidance." "He should treat her like glass!" "A woman needs to be properly stimulated in order to achieve fulfillment. A gentle touch does not always do." I ran away from her. The topic of my sister's marriage was not one I was comfortable discussing with her.

The boys are much easier to deal with. Ben likes to walk around holding my fingers. Rick is always running. Tink is always bounding at his side. Ben babbles away. Rick chatters but there is no discussion of my sister being properly stimulated. I gag just thinking about it. I put Rick up on Blaze's back and lead him around the yard. Richard comes down and watches him sometimes. Rick is never fearful when Richard is around. He wants his Papa to be proud. Blaze always comes to Richard and nuzzles him. Richard and that horse have a strange bond. Richard watches Blaze carefully. The horse seems fine. Richard has asked that I always look out for Blaze, that I should put him down if he starts to have pain. It occurred to me that Richard is always in pain. It is the pain that saps his energy, makes it so he does not eat. I asked him and he nodded. I was stupid and asked a stupid insensitive question. "Do you ever wish you were that horse and could just be put down when you are in pain instead of all this suffering?"

Richard looked at me and said, "Yes, every day. But that would mean leaving Elizabeth and my children. There will come a time when I will ask Elizabeth to give me all the opium. You may need to be strong for her."

I could not believe what I heard him say, "You can not ask that of her."

"I do not ask. Elizabeth will give me all that I need. She will not let me suffer. I hide as much as I can from her for now. I hide because I so desperately want to see my baby. Elizabeth will not let me suffer once I have kept my promise."

He shushed me, hissing at me to be quiet. Rick was coming around the arena again. Richard reached up and lifted Rick into his arms. Rick clung to his Papa's neck and kissed him. "Oh Papa are you getting better?" Richard shook his head, "No Rick. I am not. I am sorry to disappoint you my little man. I just so desperately wanted to hug you and let you know how much I love you." Rick started to cry giant tears. He hung onto Richard tightly.

April 28th. Firelake

I notice that all of my entries of late are from Firelake. I seem to be living here. But I am not writing enough. There is so much I feel, so much I need to sort through. Elizabeth is struggling to keep everything going. I try to be there for her as much as possible. She seems small; she is not nearly as large as she was when she was pregnant with the boys. She is always tired. My Aunt and Uncle are there frequently as is Georgiana and Spillane. Victor and Truit are with the boys all the time, freeing Elizabeth to be with Richard.

Richard tries to spend as much time as possible with the boys, playing with them, reading to them. He is always so tired. He can walk short distances without becoming winded. He tries to spend time with them outdoors. Today was Ben's first birthday. Richard over did and it may lead to disaster. It is near midnight. The last thing he said to me was that he would not die on his son's birthday.

Elizabeth put together a lovely simple picnic birthday party for Ben. It was Richard's idea to have a picnic. The weather was perfect. The gardens were beautiful. Ben is running now and it is easier to manage him outdoors. My Aunt and Uncle, Georgiana and Spillane, and Mr. Bennett were there. Mrs. Bennett has not been to Firelake in some time. Her fretting annoys Elizabeth to no end and Mr. Bennett simply will not allow it. Richard spent quite a bit of time playing with the boys. He actually was throwing a ball for Ben to chase and Rick was helping retrieve it. Truit and Victor were always close by. He sat in a chase for the meal, eating very little. But he looked happy. He pulled Elizabeth to him to cuddle on his lap and run his hands over her belly, speaking softly to his little Beth. They looked happy.

He wanted to take the boys to the arena to see the horses. Elizabeth was concerned that it would be to far. He begged her, "Let me please." I worried that it was all too much for Richard. I went with him. Richard took a long time to walk there. The boys were very happy, running and laughing. Once we arrived Blaze came to Richard and nuzzled his neck. Richard patted the horse while I put Rick up on Blaze's back. Ben wanted up too and Richard nodded. I carefully put Ben in front of Rick. Rick wrapped his arms around his brother and hung onto the pommel of the saddle. Richard started to cry as he watched his boys. "Thank you for helping me have this moment." The boys were laughing and waving to Richard. He waved back. He was leaning heavily on the railings of the arena. I noticed that he had a little cough. I asked him if he was all right. He looked up at the house and asked, "I need to get back. I'm not going to make it to the house. Have Victor watch the boys. I need you to walk with me?" We walked slowly to the house. He had to stop and rest every so often. He was bathed in a cold sweat by the time we reached the house. Elizabeth came to him immediately. "You are in pain?" Richard countered, "I am fine." Elizabeth guided him to a couch in the study. She lowered him down, fluffing pillows. She took off his coat, his boots and rubbed his feet. He just watched her. His eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Elizabeth stayed near him, watching over him. He looked very pale. He was cold and clammy to the touch. I could hear Victor return with the little boys. I could here the family talking outside, laughing. Elizabeth asked me to keep them out of the study. Richard needed quiet and rest. I was just about to leave when Richard woke suddenly, panicked. He could not breath. He sat up on the edge of the couch, gripping the cushions to support himself. He leaned forward. Elizabeth was kneeling in front of him, staring into his eyes, "Breath, Richard, Breath." Richard reached out for her hand and gripped it. I was watching him choke, trying to draw air in. It seemed like minutes but I am sure time was moving slowly. Elizabeth started to cry, "Richard, please." He started to fall forward and I rushed to catch him. Elizabeth and I lowered him to the floor. Blood flowed from his mouth and nose. His grip on Elizabeth's hand never let go, the knuckles white. She lay her head down on the floor next to him, staring into his eyes, "Richard, look at me. I love you. Look into my eyes and see how much I love you." Richard took a breath. First one and then another. He was coughing, the blood flow slowed. He was too weak to lift his head from the mess on the floor. I heard him say, "I'm sorry Beth." His eyes were watering. He was covered in blood. He just looked at her. She asked, "Now?" And he shook his head. "We wait." He was so pale, dusky blue. "I am fine." Richard is biggest liar in the world. "Help me up." Elizabeth pleaded, "Please just stay put until I can get Truit to help William carry you to your bed." Richard shook his head. "This was nothing." He gasped, "I am fine." He gasped again, "It is Ben's birthday. Help me up." He breathed, "I just need to clean up." He started to try and push himself up. Elizabeth was scolding him for being stubborn. I took his good arm and hoisted him up. I could feel his weight. He could barely stand. I lifted him in my arms as I would Elizabeth. "Damn it Darcy, put me down." I asked Elizabeth where she wanted him and she asked me to take him to his bed. I carried him out into the hall and to the stairs. Truit saw me and asked if I needed more help but I said, "No, he barely weighs a thing." I got him to his bed. Elizabeth was washing his face, his neck with cool water, removing his bloody cloths. Richard reached up for her hand and asked her to be still. She was crying. He said it again, "Beth, I am fine. Not until after the baby comes. I promise. Just let me rest." Elizabeth laid at his side with her hand on his chest watched him breath.

Later that night I followed Truit into their room. He was bringing in some clean linen. I wanted to see him so that I could tell the other guests how he was doing. I wanted to reassure myself that he was well. Rick and Ben were sitting on the bed near him. Elizabeth was encouraging him to take some nourishment. He was harping at Elizabeth to eat. It was quite comical to see them arguing with each other. Rick was scolding them both to eat. There was some left over birthday cake. Elizabeth fed Richard a tiny bit with her fingers and I watched as he took her hand and licked the icing of her fingertips. They were well.

I don't think I have ever been so frightened in all of my life. I though he was going to die.

May 31st. Firelake.

Again it has been to long. After Richard's last episode he has not been pushing himself so hard. He rarely goes out beyond the chase. His color took weeks to improve from pale grey to his usual pale white. He was angry with me for picking him up like a baby but thanked me for it. He has asked for more and more assistance to make it outside or around the house. He had asked me to help arrange to move the family to Pemberley. He felt it would be safer for Elizabeth there when he dies. She would be farther away from Andrew. But Elizabeth would not hear of it. The journey would kill him. I think that she is right.

My Uncle has been trying to find a way to disavow Andrew. He wishes to strip him of his title and any inheritance. The entail on the Matlock estate is worded in such a way that it would be impossible to do so. Richard has provided me with a folio of documents. There are copies of the guardianship and trust. There is also a marriage license. I was shocked to see it. I did not think that it could be obtained given that Elizabeth is still a married woman. But I see that it lists her as Mrs. Elizabeth Fitzwilliam, widow of Richard Fitzwilliam. Richard's death certificate is also in the folio. Neither were dated. There were also instructions regarding what to do upon his death. Richard wanted to be buried at Pemberley. That way he would be near his wife. Elizabeth as my wife would be buried at Pemberley and Richard wished to rest along side her when her time came. He felt that the burial would not put Andrew on guard. I was to take Elizabeth to the Pemberley chapel afterwards and marry her. The boys and Elizabeth would never return to Firelake unprotected by our marriage. It was all so calculated and logical. What of Elizabeth and her feelings? He wrote a response to that. "Elizabeth will do her duty and obey my wishes."

I have seen many of Richard's former comrades at Firelake. Word has spread that their Colonel is dying and is in need of assistance. Men rotate through never leaving the estate unprotected. They often stay in the garret above the stables. They often light a bonfire and gather to tell stories. I have learned a great many things about my cousin. I have asked the men to each write their stories down. I will gather them, bind them and give them to the boys when they are older. Elizabeth is very thankful for this gift. Richard is wary. He is not certain he wants his sons to know the things that he did in war. I notice that there are some gruesome stories but there are also stories of his bravery, his loyalty and his honor. And some silly stories, some stories not fit for delicate ears. Some of the men were there when he was injured. Those stories mention their Colonel surviving only because of a lock of chocolate hair that he held onto. Word has gotten out that I am collecting these stories and they come to me at Pemberley. Letters from men whose lives he saved. Letters from mothers whose sons served under him. Richard is a much loved man.

I did spend some time alone with Elizabeth recently. She was gathering some herbs from the garden while Richard slept in the chase. He is rarely ever out of her line of site. We sat and watched him sleep. Her hands were stroking her belly, caressing her baby. I asked her if I could touch her and she consented. The baby moves very slowly, gently inside her. Elizabeth started to cry. "I don't ever want her to come. I want her to stay inside of me forever. He really should not still be with us but he waits for her. He is suffering. I am so selfish. I should tell him that he does not need to keep his promise. But I can not." I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her, kissing her hair as she cried. Richard's eyes were open and he was watching us. He gave me a nod and mouthed the words, "Thank you."

I am at a loss. I cannot deny that I want Elizabeth as my wife. But she will be mine on paper only. I know that she cares for me. I know that she may even love me. But she will never truly be my wife. Richard will always be there. Somehow that will be all right. It is the only way that I will ever have her. I do not want to loose Richard.

July 2nd. Firelake.

My Uncle and I were on a schedule. We had arranged that one of us was always at Firelake. I had to go to Pemberley for a few days and returned this morning. Uncle Edward went back to Matlock upon my arrival. I had only been gone for a few days. I found Richard in the solarium laying on a chase. Victor and Truit were with him. He was sleeping. He was thinner than I have ever seen him. The bones of his cheeks look like knives pushing through the skin. His lips had a bluish cast to them. Victor told me that Elizabeth was with the boys in the garden. She had only been gone for a few minutes.

I left to look for Elizabeth. I found her out in the gardens. There was a rope swing and she was pushing it. Rick was sitting on it with Ben held tightly in his lap. The boys were laughing. Georgiana was with her and smiled at me. She gave me a hug and asked me if I had seen Richard. I nodded and she started to cry. I turned to Elizabeth and as she moved I could see how very pregnant she was. I asked the boys if I could borrow their mommy to talk for a while and they agreed but only after thoroughly hugging me and frisking me for treats. Mrs. Reynolds had filled my pockets with cookies so they were well rewarded.

Elizabeth and I walked through the gardens until we found a bench. I helped her to sit and she did so. I noticed that she would close her eyes and seemed to go far away every so often. I asked her if she was well.

Elizabeth looked away and I could see the tears falling from her face. "Elizabeth, what is wrong." She would not say. I begged her to tell me what to do, what she wanted.

Elizabeth rested her head against me and grabbed my coat. She seemed to be in pain but finally spoke, "I want my husband to be well. I want us to die together in each other's arms in our old age. I want my children to know their father. I want Richard to bounce his grandchildren, his great grandchildren on his knee. I do not want to loose my husband." She started to sob.

I gathered her in my arms and rocked her. I could feel her body tense and I immediately withdrew. But she pulled me back, "Please don't pull away."

But her body seemed so tense. The tension went away in a wave. "Elizabeth what is it?" She was breathing slowly, deeply, her hands were pressed against her back. "Something is wrong, is it the baby?"

Elizabeth nodded, "She knows, she knows that Richard can not hold on much longer and she does not want him to suffer any more. She knows that if she is to have a moment with him, she needs to come now." Elizabeth started to sob again.

I looked at her closely, trying to calculate, "Is it not too early?"  
"No, yes we are early but not too early. You've seen him. He cannot wait much longer. Bethany is not selfish. She will not allow her Papa to suffer." Elizabeth stiffened and was silent again. Suddenly I understood. She was in labor.

"You said July or early August. This is June. It is too early."

"There is nothing I can do to stop this. Bethany is coming and my Richard' she was sobbing, 'is going to die."

"What can I do? Shouldn't you be laying down, in bed. Should I get the doctor? Should I carry you into the house?"

She shook her head, "I need Richard."

She started to walk up towards the house, stopping to breath. I could not help myself. I scooped her up in my arms. She wrapped herself around me and whispered a thank you. I carried her to the house and Jenny spotted us. Elizabeth just looked at her and she knew. She told me to take Elizabeth up to her room. Victor came to his wife's side and she was rattling off instructions. A rider was to go to Matlock and another to the midwife. The men were to be notified to be more watchful. "What of Richard?" Jenny said that Elizabeth would send word when she needed him. That was the last I heard. I lay Elizabeth down on her bed and Jenny shooed me out. I paced in the halls for a while but then heard Victor and Truit moving up the stairs. Richard was climbing the stairs. He was so weak he could only go a few steps between rest. Victor was arguing with him that he should be resting. Richard retorted, "Do not tell me what to do. My wife needs me." Richard made it to his room and again the doors were shut. The midwife came. It was just Jenny, Elizabeth, Richard and the midwife. The way it was with the other births. Jenny gave us words of reassurance every so often. Georgiana tended to the boys. She went in once or twice. Hours went by. We just waited and waited. My Aunt and Uncle arrived. Finally word was sent down. Bethany had been born. She was very tiny but seemed healthy. Georgiana took the boys to see their new sister. They were only there briefly.

Later on word was sent. Richard wanted to see me. I went. He was laying in bed, propped up on pillows. Elizabeth was curled up at his side asleep. In his arms was a tiny bundle. He smiled at me and indicated that I should come close. "Shush, Elizabeth is exhausted. Look at her, is she not the most beautiful thing you have ever seen."  
I knew he meant the baby but I teased, "Which do you mean, Elizabeth or Bethany?"

Richard smiled, "That is a dilemma. Elizabeth is the most beautiful woman but my little Bethany is the most beautiful baby girl."

"Such the diplomate. Richard, dear Richard are you well?"

"When Elizabeth handed her to me she was crying and said that I was free to go now. I cannot just leave. It doesn't work like that. I still want time. I wish Elizabeth had something else to hang over my head to force me to stay. I don't want to be free to go." Richard started crying, "I don't want to leave them." His tears fell on the baby and she startled. "Oh, dear God, she is so perfect." He started to gasp. "Take her." I took the little girl in my arms, "She is so tiny." Richard nodded, "She was early." She looked like Elizabeth. Except her hair was downy bits of reddish gold. She had Richard's hair. Richard leaned towards me and I placed her back in his arms. He was just staring at her, tracing her little face with his fingertips. I leaned forward and kissed him and he patted me. I looked over at Elizabeth. She was sleeping, her back pressed up against Richard.

It is close to midnight. Richard is still with us.

July 6th. Firelake.

Everything is all right. Richard is still with us. He actually looks like he has put on a few pounds. The family has really not moved from their room. Richard just lays in bed and holds his little girl. Elizabeth stays with him, nurses her baby. They sleep and stare at her. The little boys spend time with them, all curled up in the bed together. Trays of food are sent up. They were all eating together in bed. I was invited to a picnic in bed today. We ate sandwiches and fruit. Elizabeth convinced Richard to have some soup. Bethany is always in Richard's arms unless Elizabeth is nursing her. Sometimes the little boys cuddle around him. It is all very sweet. My Aunt and Uncle are here. Georgiana and her husband are here. Mr. Bennett is here. Charles and Jane came briefly. Jane is unable to stop crying whenever she sees Richard. Alicia and Davidson came. Alicia is expecting another child.

Richard, his father, Mr. Bennett and I had a meeting. Richard had Mr. Bennett review all of the documents. He worries for his daughter. He worries for her happiness. It was Richard who assured him that I would bring Elizabeth the happiness that she deserves. Mr. Bennett snapped at him, "You promised me that you would bring her happiness. You have brought her nothing but grief." Poor Mr. Bennett. Elizabeth overheard his statement and ripped into him. I had no idea that she could ever be so violent. She defended Richard. She admonished her father, attacked him for his lack of attention to his wife, his daughters. She snarled and snapped at him declaring that she would never give up one bit of grief or pain for it was worth it to be Richard's wife. She declared herself a happy, loved and cherished wife, married to the very best of men. Mr. Bennett just groveled at her feet, begging her forgiveness.

Little Rick asked me today if he thought his father would survive until his birthday. Rick is going to be three in a few weeks. He is so wise for such a little boy. So wise and brave. This October they will have been married for four years. They have not had four years of happiness. It is so unfair.

July 11th. Firelake.

Richard is still with us. Bethany is 9 days old. She has gotten bigger already. She is still so much tinier than I remember the boys being. She has long periods of time that her eyes are open. Her eyes are blue, even a more brilliant blue than Richard's. Neither Elizabeth nor my Aunt knows where that color came from. Her hair seems even redder now that it has grown in. She stares at Richard. I think she is trying to memorize his face. Richard rarely moves around. He is very thin. He gets short of breath with the littlest effort. He rarely speaks. A full sentence exhausts him. So he holds his baby. The little boys spend time with him. Elizabeth is rarely far from his side. She has asked that I take the boys out to play which I do with great delight.

My Aunt stays near by, she has not gone home since Bethany's birth. She tries to encourage Richard to eat. He gets annoyed by her. Georgiana has not left either. Spillane's division have relocated to the estate. Tents are set up on the Northern side of the lake. We have not heard from Andrew.

Richard and I had some time alone today. I was helping him get settled into his bed. He asked me to hand him a small wooden box. I did. He opened it and took out his wedding ring. "It falls off of my fingers now. I did not want to loose it." He asked for my hand. I sat and gave him my hand. I did not know what he was going to do. He took my hand and he put his wedding ring on my finger. "I want you to wear this as a symbol of my love for you and Elizabeth." I started to cry. He was patting my shoulder. He told me that Elizabeth had given him the ring, that it had been her grandfather's ring. I asked, "Should this not go back to Elizabeth?" "Not if I make it a gift to you now." He started to drift off to sleep. His breathing was so ragged. I could see his nostrils flaring with each breath, the muscles between his ribs sucking in. I sat there at the edge of the bed and watched him for some time.

Elizabeth came in and climbed into bed next to him. She ran her hands through his hair. He melted into her touch. She looked at me and smiled. She reached for my hand I think to comfort me. She saw the ring. She pulled my hand to her and felt the ring with her fingers, turning it over. I could see rivers of tears running down her face. "Why?" I could only reply, "I don't know. He said he wanted me to wear it." She just looked at her sleeping husband and said, "Leave us."

As I sit in my room I fear for what is happening. I fear that Richard is going to die tonight.

July 24th. Firelake.

Richard survived the night that he gave me his ring. Since then every moment has been tenuous. Elizabeth sometimes sees me trying to hide the ring from her. Once she took my hand and looked at it closely. "My father gave this to me a week before my wedding. It is not common for men to wear a ring. My grandmother purchased it and gave it to my grandfather. They were happily married for many many years. I wanted Richard to have a symbol of my love for him. He told me that he did not want to be buried with it. It disturbs me to see it on your hand."

I begged her forgiveness and told her that he saw it as a symbol of his love for us. I started to say that I would remove it after Richard was gone. She stopped me, "No, you are to wear it forever as a symbol of his love. I can not give you a ring, you know that?"

I did.

The little boys are glued to me most of the time. Elizabeth is either with Richard or nursing Bethany. Even when he sleeps she is rarely from his side. We have had no opportunity to talk. I have been placed in charge of Rick's third birthday party. Rick has told me that all he wants for his birthday is to be with Richard. My heart breaks for the boy. At least I had my father for twentytwo years.

July28th. Firelake.

It was Rick's third birthday. All the little boy wanted for his birthday was to be with Richard, so Richard was there. He had Truit and Victor dress him and I carried him downstairs. He hated to ask it of me. We gathered out on the patio for a picnic lunch. Richard stayed on the chase holding Bethany. Jenny had made the traditional chocolate birthday cake and delightful other things to eat. I hung a new swing for Rick. My Aunt and Uncle and Georgiana and Spillane were all the only guests. Elizabeth thought it best not to wear Richard out. Richard gave Rick his medal of Valor. The little boy just traced the engravings with his fingers.

Elizabeth took Bethany to nurse and Richard and Rick sat together. Rick was cuddled in his father's arms. I know not what was said but Rick was crying. Richard kissed his son's forehead and I could see the tears running down his face.

There really is not more to say. Richard is barely hanging on. Elizabeth just keeps her little family going day by day, moment by moment. She cherishes every moment she has with him. Sometimes the intimacy that I see between them astonishes me. I know that my Aunt and Uncle often turn away and blush. He can barely get a sentence out and he is so fatigued that he can hardly move. He says everything with his eyes.

August 3rd. Firelake.

Richard did not drink or eat anything today. He did not get out of bed once. Elizabeth rarely leaves his side. He lays in his bed with these white thin curtains hanging around his bed. The windows are open and there is a breeze. He just breathes and his heart beats. Sometimes I see him gripping Elizabeth's hand. He does not have the strength to hold Bethany. I take a watch so that Elizabeth can sleep. She lays at his side and closes her eyes. But I doubt that she finds rest.

August 5th. Firelake.

I was sitting at Richard's bedside early is the morning hours, watching over him while Elizabeth rested at his side. His eyes had been closed for most of the previous day. Suddenly I felt his gaze. He was looking at me. I saw his hand turn over with his palm up. I grasped it. His eyes were glassy and moist with tears. I could hear his voice in my head, "Elizabeth." I spoke her name and she startled awake. I hung onto his hand and could feel his grip in response. Elizabeth took his face in her hands and just gazed into his eyes. "Richard, I love you. I love you. I love you." She kept saying those words over and over again. His grip relaxed and I watched as the light in his eyes died. I watched her hands run down his chest and rest over his heart. Her face contorted into pain and she started to weep. "His heart does not beat."

Richard had died. Elizabeth curled her body around him and wept. I just sat there and rested my head on his open palm. I felt the door behind me open. It was Truit. He left momentarily and returned with my Aunt and Uncle, Georgiana, Spillane, the little boys and Bethany. Victor and Jenny stood at the door. We sat in silence for some time as Elizabeth wept. Georgiana held onto Ben, who cuddled in her arms sucking his thumb. Rick climbed into my lap and sat there quietly. My Aunt cradled Bethany in her arms. The sun rose and a beam of sunlight invaded our pain. My beloved cousin Richard had died.

My Uncle finally spoke and suggested that we get on with the day. Victor and Jenny took the boys away for some breakfast. My Aunt and Georgiana tried to do something with Elizabeth. She could not leave him. Finally I picked her up, prying her arms off of Richard's body. She was sobbing, her body wracking in pain. I carried her into my room and laid her on my bed. Truit came with a glass of brandy and insisted that she drink it. She did so. My Aunt stayed with her until she fell asleep. She slept so deeply and for so long that Jenny actually had to place Bethany at her breast to nurse from her exhausted mother.

Truit sent us all away and spent time with Richard. I watched as Victor and Truit brought the coffin up the stairs. I was thankful that Elizabeth was sleeping through all of this. Finally I was called for. We carried Richard's body downstairs and placed him in the parlor. Truit had dressed him in his uniform, his sash of medals across his chest. Richard looked at peace for the first time in months. I had bathed and changed earlier, eaten but little. I was hungry and went into the dining room. There was Mrs. Reynolds, my housekeeper from Pemberley. I started to cry when I saw her. She took me in her arms and held me, kissed my tears and rocked me back and forth. Pemberley had sent food and servants to assist. The table was laden with sandwiches, cheeses and fruit. There was coffee and scones, biscuits and pastry.

I met with Uncle Edward in Richard's study. The folio of documents was out. My Uncle had sent express riders to Matlock, Sandhurst, London and Pemberley. Jane and Charles with the Bennett's would come the next morning. Due to the heat, Richard's funeral and burial would be the following day. Elizabeth was still sleeping so my Uncle was making the arrangements and plans on her behest. We would leave for Pemberley in the morning. A procession of Richard's friends and loved one's would follow the coffin to Pemberley for a funeral in the chapel and burial in my cemetery. And to follow that, my Uncle reminded me, per Richard's explicit instructions I was to take his wife back to the chapel and marry her. As he reviewed the plans for the following day I again started to feel tears running down my face. My hands were in tight fists. "How can she be asked to do this?" My Uncle looked out the window. He finally responded in a harsh rasping voice, "Word has reached Andrew. He is coming to collect his heir at Pemberley tomorrow. He has his solicitor and agents of the courts accompanying him. She must do this."

Elizabeth finally awoke in the afternoon. Georgiana and my Aunt immediately attended her, as she did not know where she was when she woke up. She looked so distraught. She ran to her rooms but Richard's body was not there and Jenny had cleaned, changing the sheets. She grabbed Georgiana and cried, "Where is he?" She ran, falling down the stairs and into the parlor. I was moving quickly, trying to prevent her from hurting herself. When she saw him in the coffin she fell to her knees and started weeping. Rick must have heard her and that brave little boy snuggled up to him mother and said, "Mamma, please, we need you." Elizabeth startled out of her misery and looked into her little boy's eyes. She nodded to him and gathered him up in her arms, kissing him. "I know. I will be here for you." She stood up and took a deep breath. I could see her lips pressed together tightly. Georgiana took her hand, "Come, Bethany needs you. Jenny will prepare a bath for you." I watched my brave little sister guide Elizabeth away from Richard.

We ate. We talked. We told stories about Richard. Spillane had spent some time under Richard's command and had many stories to tell. Truit held Ben on his lap, plying him with some food. Rick had attached himself to me. Elizabeth had bathed and nursed Bethany. Georgiana reported that she had gotten her to eat something, have some tea. She said she threatened Elizabeth with the loss of her ability to nurse Bethany if she did not take care of herself. Georgiana also whispered to me that she had seen Elizabeth during her bath and that she was far to thin. Bethany was barely a month old. Elizabeth's health concerned her.

Elizabeth did not come down again that day. At bedtime I found the little boys laying in her bed with her and Bethany. Tink was curled at the bottom of the bed. I had peaked my head in to check on her. Rick was asking Elizabeth to tell him stories about Richard. She was. Little Ben was curled at her side playing with a lock of her hair and sucking his thumb. Rick also had a lock of hair curled in his fingers. Bethany was nursing at her breast. Elizabeth was so beautiful. But she was pale; the dark circles under her eyes were very deep.

She called me over to the bed and said to Rick, "Do you remember what Papa told you he would always protect you?" Rick nodded. "Papa will always protect you even now that he is gone. Your Uncle Andrew wishes to come and take you away from me, to raise you as his heir. Papa knew that he would come for you so he has made arrangements for Will to be your guardian."

Rick looked at me frightened, "But mamma, Papa said that we would always stay together."

"Yes. We will go and live at Pemberley with Will."

"Papa told me."

Elizabeth asked, "What did Papa say?"

"He told me that he wants you to be happy. He wants me to have a father. He wants you to marry Will."

I asked, "What do you think about that?"

Rick frowned, "I would rather have Papa." I had to laugh a little and I ran my fingers through his hair. "I would rather that you have your Papa. I will do everything I can to protect you and your family, to keep you happy. You know that I loved your father."

Rick nodded, "he told me that knowing that you would take care of us helped him be at peace. Papa is at peace isn't he?"

Elizabeth was weeping again, "Yes, Papa is at peace." Little Ben reached up and touched her tears, taking them on his fingers."

I asked Elizabeth if she wanted me to take the children to the nursery. She shook her head no.

August 6th. Pemberley.

I am married to Elizabeth. There was a time when that was my greatest desire but now I would give anything for it to not be so.

We started the day early. There was packing to do and decisions to be made. But it seems that Richard had taken care of all of that. His steward would see to the move of the family's possessions. Elizabeth would not need to worry about anything. We rose, dressed and ate a solemn breakfast. The little boys rose early, waking their mother to her first day without her husband. She nursed Bethany, bathed and dressed. She came downstairs dressed in a black gown. I have never seen her wear that color before. It makes her look far too thin. I watched her closely. She ate but little. She kept Bethany close, cuddled at her side in a sling.

By ten people had started to arrive. Charles, Jane and the Bennett's have arrived. Jane and Mrs. Bennett started with the "poor Elizabeth" cry that made her cringe. Mr. Bennett and Charles put a stop to their effusions. Kitty and Lydia were in school so they were not in attendance. Mary was very calm and supportive.

At eleven we started the procession. It would take two hours to reach Pemberley. Richard's coffin was laid on an open wagon. Elizabeth covered it with a flag and some flowers. Blaze followed the wagon. I rode Ageaus with Rick in my lap. Ben, Elizabeth, Bethany and Georgiana rode in the carriage. There were other carriages for my Aunt and Uncle, Alicia and Davidson, the Bennett's and Bingleys and other friends. I was surprised and pleased to see a long line of men in uniform. Richard's men had come from Sandhurst to pay their respects. Spillane also told me that they were here to defend Richard's family.

We reached Pemberley by one. Richard's coffin was carried into the chapel. Truthfully I do not remember the service. I know that there were passages read, a eulogy given and a blessing. We followed as Richard's men carried his coffin on their shoulders to the graveyard. Elizabeth never let go of Bethany. Rick held her hand and Ben stood at her side, holding on to her skirts. She looked so alone. I picked Ben up and walked next to her.

When we reached the graveyard I saw him. Andrew was standing at the edge with about a dozen men around him. I could see that some were armed. What an ass. My Uncle saw him and I could feel his anger building inside of him. Richard's coffin was placed on the ropes that would lower him into the ground. Truit came forward and took off the sash covered with medals. My Uncle motioned for the cover to be placed. Elizabeth lost control. She fell to her knees and started to weep. Rick, Ben, and I supported her. Aunt Helena and Georgiana were standing near her, touching her. I heard Rick say to her that he was trying to be very brave. She nodded and said that she needed to try harder. She turned her face into her little boy's chest as they lowered him into the ground. The parson was speaking; I don't know what he said. I watched as Richard's men passed by paying their respects to Elizabeth and throwing flowers into Richard's grave. So many people were there. I watched as Rick threw a flower and helped his brother to do so. Elizabeth's turn had come. I watched as she carefully handed Bethany to my Aunt. She slowly walked to the edge of the grave. She raised her hand to toss in her flowers but I watched as her body started to follow them. I grabbed her and pulled her back to me. She started to pound her fists into me, "Let me go, let me go with him. Please, let me go." I held her close and whispered in her ear, "No, we need you. The children need you. Andrew will take Rick." She whipped her eyes to look at me and than over at Andrew. She started to cry.

If I had a knife or a gun on me at that moment I would have killed him. Andrew started to laugh. My Uncle hissed at him, telling him to keep his place. Andrew snapped back, "I know my place. I know my rights. I am here to collect my heir. Have Richard's son ready to leave with me within the hour."

Elizabeth was trembling in my arms. I whispered to her, "We must go back to the chapel." She nodded. My Uncle announced that there would be a private service, just immediate family in the chapel. He took Elizabeth's hand and walked her back to the chapel. I picked up the boys and followed. Georgiana and Spillane gathered the Bennett's, the Bingley's, Alicia and Davidson, Truit, Victor and Jenny. We closed the doors to the chapel. My Aunt stood at Elizabeth's side holding Bethany. The little boys were frightened and I could not put them down. I held them in my arms. My Uncle held Elizabeth's hand as the pastor read the service. I could hear Mr. Bennett shush his wife and daughters saying that this was the only way to protect Richard's family. The documents were brought forth and witnessed. I was able to put the boys down but they were attached to my trousers. I took Elizabeth's hand from Uncle Edward and said my vows. I added that I would honor and respect the love she bore my cousin, that I would see to his peace by providing and protecting that which he loved.

I could barely hear Elizabeth's vows, for she made only a faint whisper. When the parson asked if I had a ring, I shook my head and fingered Elizabeth's ring, the one that Richard had given to her. Her eyes met mine and I could see her heart was breaking inside. I would never ask that she remove the ring that Richard gave her in order to wear mine. It was time for me to kiss my bride. I did, I kissed her cheek. The taste of her tears is still on my lips. We were married and Rick was safe.

We exited the chapel. Andrew's solicitor immediately approached my Uncle demanding that Rick be handed over. My Uncle looked at me. I held Rick in my arms and moved Ben and Elizabeth behind me. I announced, "Under the eyes of God and the church, with the blessings of Richard and his family I have married Elizabeth. The children are now mine. I am their guardian, indeed by law I am there father. You Andrew are now directed to vacate my lands and do not ever think of coming near my family."

Andrew threw a tirade. His attorney demanded to see the license and documents. But once he did he told Andrew that he had lost custody through Richard's subterfuge. Richard had done this. He had protected his family even in his death. Andrew was livid and directed his men to move against us. Spillane and Davidson immediately deployed their men and the threat was removed. Through it I could feel her, her hand on my back trembling. Rick just held onto me.

Finally it was over. We went to the house, now a home. I held onto Elizabeth's hand as we walked. Rick was at my side and Ben in my arms. My Uncle made an announcement to the guests explaining that there was an issue regarding the custody of Richard's children and that Richard had arranged for the marriage in order to protect his children.

I remember the feeling when I entered Pemberley for the first time, a married man with a wife and children to love and cherish. I felt happy for a brief moment, followed by feelings of guilt and of course despair. I am sure Mrs. Reynolds provided a wonderful banquet of food and hospitality to the guests. I am sure there were people gathering in the parlor, the conservatory and drawing rooms. But I do not remember it. I only remember the feeling of those small arms around my neck, my children's arms. I remember the taste of Elizabeth's tears. I remember the smell of Bethany's hair as I held her.

Elizabeth is now asleep, at least I hope she is asleep in the room that she and Richard shared when they were here. The little boys, Bethany and Tink are in the bed with her, sleeping. My Aunt and Uncle have asked to stay for a while. Mr. Bennett is going to stay, his wife and daughter have gone to the Bingley's.

I am exhausted. I will go to bed. I am still alone but not like I was before.

August 12th. Pemberly

Richard has been gone now one week. Firelake has been emptied. Richard's steward is now to reside in the manor house. All of the family's possessions have arrived. Victor, Truit and Jenny have seen to unpacking. Elizabeth does not comment.

Elizabeth wakes with the children. She nurses Bethany. She hardly eats but does so under the constant threats from Georgiana, Jenny, Helena or myself. She will loose her milk if she does not take care of herself. We often find her crying. We watch her closely, which annoys her. So sometimes we leave her alone only to find her sobbing. The only people who can elicit a smile out of her are the children. I truly think that her heart would just stop beating if it were not for the children.

My Uncle and I continue to deal with Andrew and his nonsense. He has challenged the validity of my marriage, stating that it has not been consummated. How dare he? We actually are summoned to a court in one week. I do not want to leave Elizabeth alone to do this but I must. Elizabeth is worried, what if the courts rule in Andrew's favor. I told her not to be concerned. It would take an army to remove her from Pemberley. And Richard's men would defend us. I have made plans to secretly remove her and the children. I would leave Pemberley and all of my holdings in Spillane's hands. I would take Elizabeth out of the country. My Uncle assures me that our attorney's will prevail.

Rick stays near his mother all the time. She asks that he play with his brother, that he goes outside and enjoys himself. He refuses unless she comes with him. He told her he promised his Papa that he would not let her be too sad. So she is forced to get up, go for walks and be with her family. She was watching as Rick was carefully pushing Ben on the swing. I was staring at her again. "Please do not stare at me. You know it makes me uncomfortable. I do not want your pity, or your judgment." I apologized, "I am just worried about you. I care about your wellbeing." She hissed, "I am just fine. That manipulative calculating ass has been coaching Rick, probably for months. He made Rick promise him that he would not let me be too sad. He is using his little boy's tender heart to manipulate me even now." She started to cry, "He is taking care of me even now." I gathered her into my arms and held her. I heard her muttering, "Damn you Richard, damn you. I just want to curl up in a dark corner and die yet he has the boys doing his dirty work for him, keeping me going. I just want to scream at him." I had to hide a laugh. Indeed Richard's strategy was working.

August 24th. Pemberley.

I am exhausted. The hearing was in Derby. I rode there and back in one day so as not to be away from Elizabeth. The judge ruled in our favor after hearing testimony from my Aunt and Uncle. Truit also met in private with the judge. He told me that he related to the judge the events that occurred the night of the wedding ball, the night Andrew tried to rape Elizabeth. There were letters that the judge referred to, one being from the Prime Minister, a man whom owed his son's life to Richard. I know not whom the other letters were from. The judge declared that my marriage was valid with or without consummation. He expressed his disgust that Andrew would even suggest such a thing. The judge issued his ruling that I was forever the legal guardian and custodian of Richard's children. I breathed an enormous sigh of relief. But the judge was not done with his ruling. He turned on Andrew and issued a writ, banning him from Derbyshire. He was not ever to approach my family in London. The judge expressed his utter disgust and abhorrence regarding the Viscount's actions. And he stated that the entirety of his ruling would be placed in the papers so that all of England would know.

My Uncle met briefly with the Judge with concern of the wording of this announcement. They crafted a second announcement regarding Richard's death and my marriage. It will appear as a noble act, no scandal regarding the speed in which Elizabeth remarried would touch her. I was pleased and raced back to Pemberley.

But that is not the only reason that I am exhausted. Elizabeth has taken to sleep walking. I find her wandering frantically looking for Richard in the middle of the night. Rick woke when she left the bed the first time. He came to me crying that his Mamma was acting strangely. I found her out in the gardens in the dark of the night. Tink was following her, barking at her. Her eyes were open but she made no sense. "Richard, where is Richard?" I took her in my arms and she was pushing me away, crying, "Get away from me." She was hitting me. I held her tight and whispered, "Elizabeth, Richard is dead." She just looked at me and started crying. I scooped her up in my arms and carried her back to bed. Rick and Tink cuddled up to her.

She has done this now three nights in a row. I have taken to sleeping on the chaise in their bedroom. It is comforting to watch her sleeping with her little children cuddled around her. She seems to sleep better knowing that I am there.

November 6th. Pemberley.

It had been three months since Richard's death. Still Elizabeth wanders aimlessly, depressed. I know she rarely sleeps. She barely eats other than to nourish her body so she can nurse Bethany. The little children are her only joy. She does not play music; she does not wish to sing, read a new book. The fall colors did not intrigue her. She finds no joy.

October 20th came and went. I would have been her fourth wedding anniversary. That day she barely moved. She sat and looked out the window. I did see her go out for a walk without the children. She did not even take Bethany. At first I was pleased but a nagging panic soon overtook me. I should always listen to my instincts. I found her at the grave. She was laying on Richard's grave sobbing. I could hear her begging him to come and take her with him. I could here her arguing with Richard that the children would be alright without her, that she was just dragging them down, destroying their childhood with her grief. She was begging her heart to stop beating. I have never seen someone so distraught. I came to her and told her that this will not do. This was not what Richard wanted for her. She was angry, how dare Richard dictate what was best for her, how dare he expect her to find happiness. She started to weep in rivers, "He promised to grow old with me." I picked her up out of the dirt and carried her inside. Georgiana saw me. I took Elizabeth to her rooms and left her in Georgiana and Jenny's care. I took the children downstairs to play with them. Rick was very worried about her.

The next day I confronted her in the library. I commented on it, pointing out all that she had to be thankful for, all that she had to find joy in. I commented that she was causing her children undo worry. I commented that she could begin to find some happiness in our situation. I overstepped my bounds.

In so doing she blurted out, "Do you think this is what I wanted?"

I asked, "What is it that you wanted Elizabeth?"

She started to cry, quietly weeping. Her voice was but a whisper. "What I wanted was not possible? I wanted Richard to wake up and be able to take a deep breath without pain. I wanted to live as his wife, grow old with him and die his arms. But that was not to be. My other option was to lay my body down in his cold arms, listen to his silent heart, and allow the darkness of his coffin to sooth me. I long to hear the dirt falling upon the coffin, feel the confines of darkness and cold overwhelm me. I long to follow him.

Neither of those options are available to me. I could not leave my children. And now you are tied to me. Letting Andrew take Rick would have at least allowed me to keep the pretense of honoring my marriage vows."

I was hurt. Did she really believe that going with Andrew would have been better than our marriage? I did not want to misunderstand. I was confused as to what she meant, "How have you broken your vows?"

"You probably have the same argument that Richard had. He would tell me of the future he had planned for me, this marriage that we are living. He would tell me that loving you, marrying you would not be breaking out vows. He told me that I had married him and vowed to love honor and obey him until death do us part. He said that his death would free me to love you. Yet his death has not freed me of him. He may have left me, but I am still here, living and loving him. Hence I continue to obey him. He wished me to marry you so that he could rest in peace, so that he could know that the children and I were safe. So in obedience I married you. But I cannot love you as you deserve, desire. For I cannot stop wanting him. He left me, but I cannot let go. Damn him, he rests in peace, yet I have none. I just want to go to him, go to his ruined and rotting body and lay down with him. I do not want to obey him any longer. I want to be his wife. If I had gone with Andrew than I would still be his wife."

I said softly, "You will always be Richard's wife. You are still Richard's wife."

Elizabeth turned to look out the window. She stood there so little, so thin, so pale. Tears were streaming down her face. I could see the drips falling. Yet she did not move. Finally she spoke, "My children need me. I cannot follow him. They are the only things that tie me to this existence."

I reached out and touched her shoulder. She moved away.

I do not know if Elizabeth will ever be mine. Her sorrow is overwhelming her. If it were not for Bethany I don't know if she would eat or drink. If it were not for the boys I do not know if she would get out of bed. It is like watching someone die. I know a tear ran down my face. Elizabeth noticed. She touched me arm, "I thank you for all that you are doing for us." She left the library.

January 31st. Pemberley.

Again I have been negligent in my writing. So much is happening. I spend more and more time with the children. I read to them at night. I simply do not have time to indulge myself in writing. I think that is a good thing.

Many things have happened. Christmas, our first Christmas at Pemberley. Elizabeth was despondent but truly tried to be happy. The children enjoyed the festivities. Their stockings were hung, it snowed. We had a lovely time. Georgiana and Joseph came. Joseph announced that they were expecting a child in the early summer. I am so happy for her. She will be a wonderful mother.

New Years Eve came and went. I remember last New Years Eve, the fireworks. I remember the argument that Richard and Elizabeth had. They never really argued, they just felt things passionately. Elizabeth was angry with Richard for wishing her happiness. Indeed the year did bring her tragedy. Indeed the year did bring us Bethany. This year I arranged fireworks. Ben was not frightened. Bethany slept right through them. I brought Elizabeth a glass of champagne to toast the New Year. She wished me happiness and I told her that I would be happy if only she would join me. She leaned into me and whispered, "I am trying. I will try harder. You have been so patient with me."

I asked her to not push herself, that I wanted her to be happy without having to try. She told me how good and wonderful I was to her. Those words mean the world to me.

I have noticed that she seems happier. She is sleeping better. She goes out and plays with the children more. I have even heard her laughter. She is working very hard on being a dedicated mistress to the estate and the tenants. Mrs. Reynolds and all the staff have come to have a deep regard for her. I worry that she pushes herself to hard.

We are spending more and more time together. She helps me immensely with the paperwork, my letters and accounts. In the evenings we sit and play with the children. We read together, debating books after they have gone to sleep. We have shared moments of laughter and even some tenderness. I hold her hand as we walk, I kiss her good morning every day. She kisses me. Occasionally we embrace but usually due to some memory or sorrow.

I have heard her playing the piano again. She is teaching Rick some little songs. I have heard her singing again. I think she does it for the sake of the children but it is helping her heal. I believe she is getting better.

February 20th. Pemberly

My Aunt and Uncle have come. It has been six months now. I have noticed that Elizabeth has spent more and more time being happy. She is always with the children. I have not found her crying in some time. She has poured her energy into being the mistress of Pemberley, helping with the school, the tenants, everything. She works during the children's naptime or after they have gone to sleep. I worry that she finds no rest. She assures me that she needs to exhaust herself or else she will not sleep. Rarely is she separate from them during their waking hours. Bethany is always at her hip in a sling. Rick and Ben are like little ducklings, following her around, and always that big lab is at their feet. Tink is so loyal and patient with the boys and with Elizabeth. She has taken the boys on her long walks through the forests of Pemberley, often carrying Bethany for miles. It worries me to no end for the weather is somewhat unpredictable. There is a lot of snow. Rick knows the grounds very well. But it comforts me to know that Tink is there for protection.

Elizabeth has also taken Rick down to the stables. I have seen her riding Blaze with Rick in her lap, teaching him how to handle his father's horse. Rick sometimes asks me to hold him up so he can touch the scars on Blazes flank. Rick sometimes sheds a tear or two but does not want me to let his Mamma know. I am trying to spend more time with them, going for walks, riding, reading to the boys every other night as Richard had done. I do not want to overstep my bounds, yet I want to be with them so much.

My Aunt and Uncle brought presents for the children, books and toys. They were very cautious around Elizabeth which frustrated her to no end. Finally she blurted out, "Just ask me how I am and get it over with." So my uncle asked, "How are you, darling?"

Elizabeth started to cry a bit, "I miss Richard so much. But I am finding moments in the day that I am not thinking about him and it frightens me. The other day Bethany rolled over all on her own and I rushed to tell William. I did not think about Richard. Then I remembered that he isn't here to tell. That's how I am doing, a complete mess. Now the children will be awake soon and will be so happy to see you. So I am going to go splash some water on my face. I will make myself presentable and put a smile on my face. I hate it that the children are worrying about me. Even Bethany seems to worry." She flew out of the room.

My Aunt went to my Uncle and found comfort in his arms, "She still looks so thin." I watched as my Uncle soothed his wife. I tried to assure them that she was eating, that I was doing everything that I could to help her. They just patted me, understanding. I feel like such and intruder, usurping their beloved son's place in their lives.

They had not been here since the stone was placed at Richard's grave. So I took them to the graveyard. My Aunt did not want to request to see it in front of Elizabeth. We walked out silently. My Aunt noticed the bench that I had put next to Richard's grave. I told her that I had often found Elizabeth there and I thought the bench would give her some comfort. She asked if it did. No, for Elizabeth still sits on the cold earth but she has not been wandering there so frequently.

My Aunt spent some time tracing the engraving of Richard's name. My Uncle stood behind her running his hands up and down her back. Finally we walked back to the house. My Uncle thanked me for sheltering Richard's family. He hoped that I was comfortable with the arrangement. I assured him that I was. "Richard asked it of me many years ago, before Ben was born, to be the guardian of the children and to shelter Elizabeth. He suspected then that his life would be cut short."

"But are you happy?"

I shook my head, "I can not be happy for my best friend, my brother, my cousin has died leaving his wife and children to grieve. I know that it is no surprise you that I have loved Elizabeth for some time. I love the children. I have yearned for a family of my own and now I have it. How I wish I could have that without loosing Richard. Some day, Elizabeth and I might even have a real marriage. Richard wanted that for us."

"Just make Elizabeth happy, that is all we ask. Treat her well. I know that you respect her grief. Eventually she will turn to you as a wife."

"Would that be acceptable to you and Aunt Helena?"

"Like you we would much rather have our Richard back. However, Elizabeth deserves a lifetime of happiness. A woman as beautiful and as lovely as she should not be alone.

I spotted Elizabeth walking out with Bethany on her hip, the boys and the dog at her side. She pointed us out to the boys. They started running towards us. Ben fell down and Rick helped him up. My Uncle actually started to run towards them, gathering them in his arms, kissing them. My Aunt Helena bent down to pick up Ben but hesitated, he had gotten so big. They clearly love being grandparents. My Uncle and I walked with Ben, swinging him between us. Rick was chatting with his Grandfather. We met up with Elizabeth. Bethany was shy and snuggled into Elizabeth's arms. Helena commented that now that Bethany was a bit older she could clearly see that she had Richard's eyes. Elizabeth nodded, "Richard's eyes and my wild hair. I think she is a perfect blend of our features." Rick asked his grandparents, "Is it true that I look just like Papa did when he was little?" Helena nodded, "Very much so." Rick than asked, "I was wondering if I could be called Richard instead of Rick." We all looked to Elizabeth. She had that far away look in her eyes that she gets sometimes right before she starts to cry. She bent down and took Rick's hand, "You were named after a very dear, very great man. He would be very glad that you wished to use his name. We only called you Rick to avoid confusion."

"Richard, I am Richard Thomas Fitzwilliam." He was standing very tall and proud. My Uncle Edward ruffled his hair, "Yes, you are."

Bethany stayed shy in Elizabeth's arms but allowed for Helena to touch her and talk to her. We started to walk back towards the house, circling around the lake. The boys were making snowballs and throwing them into the lake. Elizabeth asked Helena, "Did you go to see Richard's grave?" Helena nodded. "Do you like the stone and the engraving?" Helena nodded again. "William waited forever for me to make a decision about it. Finally he picked it out. I could not bring myself to do it. It seemed so final."

April 29th, Pemberley.

Yesterday was Ben's second birthday. I felt the need to write. So much has happened. First and foremost Elizabeth seems genuinely happy for a significant period of every day. She has her melancholy moments but they are far and few between. I noted that and she responded, "I just cannot waist the children's lives with my grief. They deserve happiness. I was pulling them down. Even Bethany was trying to sooth and comfort me. Richard once told me that the best way to learn to ride a horse was to get right back on it if you fell. I have taken a very long time to get back to living. I was not that good of a student after all." I took her in my arms and kissed her head, telling her how proud Richard would be of her.

Other news, Andrew is dead. News that altered my life. Everything is different now. It was in the papers that the Viscount of Matlock had died. I showed the notice to Elizabeth and she grew very pale. She said to me in the softest voice that I could be free now if I wished it. I asked her whatever did she mean. She said that I could annul the marriage if I wanted it. I think I became as pale as she was. I asked her what she wanted and she responded that she wanted me to be happy. She started to cry and I told her that I was happy, that I would choose to remain married to her. She kissed me very tenderly and whispered in that intimate way she has, "That makes me very happy. I have grown accustomed to being with you."

I pulled her into my lap and held her there for some time. She had her head resting on my chest. "I like listening to your heart beating. I will get there soon, I promise. I will be a wife to you. I just need a little more time. I need, oh William, I don't know what I need to get beyond this point."

I told her that she needed to find a sign. She responded, "A signal?" We toyed with words and chuckled as we agreed, a cross road, where she could turn down a different path than the one she was on now. She asked, "And you will take that path with me?"

Of course I would.

We traveled together as a family to Matlock. It was the first time Elizabeth had been there since her honeymoon. A funeral was held though few attended. My Aunt and Uncle grieved the loss of their son though they admitted that they felt that they had lost him years before. Antonia played the role of the grieving widow well. There is a small dowager's house at Gandly that she can take as her residence. There is a small stipend for her to live. Needless to say she is not pleased. She was never given a moment alone with Elizabeth or allowed near my children. Her attempts were thwarted. I will never trust her.

Georgiana attended with her husband to support her. She seemed to grieve the loss of my father all over again. I could do nothing more than hold her. My Aunt and Uncle comfort her greatly. The child she carries will be their great grandchild. They have become much closer.

Richard Thomas Fitzwilliam is now the Viscount of Matlock. He truly does not know what all this means but I am confident that he will make his father and grandfather very proud.

I told my Aunt and Uncle that Elizabeth gave me the option of an annulment. They were shocked, but pleasantly relieved when I told them that we had recommitted ourselves to one another. They support my marriage and my parenting their grandchildren. It made me think. When Elizabeth is ready I wish us to have a ceremony of sorts.

July 28th. Pemberley.

Rick is now four years old. He is truly the most wonderful little boy, so smart, so strong. We had a lovely party for him. Elizabeth laughed and seemed very happy. My Aunt and Uncle, the Bennett's and Bingley's came. Alicia and her family came. Georgiana is in London. She had a baby girl that she named Helena. Victor and Jenny are with child. Happy times.

Bethany had her first birthday a few weeks ago. She is still a tiny little thing. Elizabeth reminds me not to worry about her size, to think of her as a few months younger. Elizabeth still nurses her and keeps her close. Her hair is wild, curly and golden red. Her eyes are like Richard's, startling blue. Richard's hair, Elizabeth's curls, Richard's eyes and Elizabeth's lashes and smile. She is perfect. Her cheeks are rosy, her arms pudgy and her kisses sweet. She crawls a bit. She prefers to be held. She wraps her little arms around my neck and I dance with her as Elizabeth plays the piano. I am quite in love. She does not talk yet but does make little babbling noises, like a little bird. I like to blow raspberry kisses on her neck and hear her giggle. I love the way Elizabeth smiles when I hold her.

Elizabeth went to the box of gifts Richard had purchased for her before he died. There was a tiny gold cross with a diamond in the center. On the back was an engraving, always. Elizabeth cried. She showed Bethany the inside of the bracelet that Richard had given her, the one she always wears. It said always. I feel like it a claim to them, Richard will always have their hearts.

In a week it will be the first anniversary of Richard's death. I fear how Elizabeth will handle the day. And the following day will be our first wedding anniversary. Somehow I don't think that I will ever be able to celebrate it. It makes me consider my idea of a ceremony more. I am waiting to reach that cross road and take that path with Elizabeth.

August 6th. Pemberley.

We made it through the day. Elizabeth said that she was not going to fight it, that she intended on wallowing in her grief in every way shape and form she could and that way she would not disappoint her expectations of herself. She started the morning off with a brandy and slept the day away. When she woke, she had another. She slept the night away. It is startling to see how little it takes to knock her out. The two portions together are less than half a snifter full. This morning she woke with a raging headache and was sick to her stomach. But she was proud of herself. The children did not have to see her crying. She did not throw herself on his grave. She did not disappoint herself.

After coffee and toast she went out for a walk. I worried and followed. I know she knew I was there. I watched her gather flowers out of the garden. And I watched her go to Richard's grave. She just sat there on the grass talking to him for quite some time. I waited for her, watching over her. She finally got up and walked into my waiting arms. I held her as tightly as I could, rocking her back and forth. She finally stopped crying and pulled away. She kissed my cheek and said to me, "Soon."

We wondered into the chapel together and I watched her as she sat in prayer. Elizabeth has never been a very religious person, finding the ritual and pageantry to be somewhat silly. But she does have great faith. It frightens me sometimes for she has said that her faith is in me and my love for her.

September 10th. Pemberley.

I thought that yesterday was the happiest day of my life, but I was wrong. Today was even better, for I woke with Elizabeth in my arms. I have actually been desperate to sit and write out an accounting of the events. To hold on to these cherished memories forever.

Last night I was on the floor in the nursery on hands and knees. Ben was riding on my back and I was pretending to be some sort of bear. Rick, Richard, was charging his toy horses at me. We were laughing. Elizabeth was sitting in the rocking chair nursing Bethany. I love watching Elizabeth nurse, she is so sweet with her children. The act is so intimate. She had finished and was sitting Beth on her knee, bouncing her and talking to her. She was encouraging Beth to make words. Ben and I crawled over to Elizabeth and were growling like bears. Beth was giggling. Elizabeth pointed at me asking Beth "Is that Will or a bear?"

Then Richard said it, "Mamma, do you think it would be better if Beth learned to call Will Daddy?" I thought my heart had stopped as I waited for her reply. I did not know how badly I wanted to be called Daddy by the children.

Elizabeth looked at Beth and asked the baby, "What do you think Beth? Daddy, is that Daddy or a bear?" Beth giggled and reached her chubby arms out for me. I could not help but take my tiny girl in my arms.

Richard and Ben climbed into the rocker and snuggled up to Elizabeth. Richard asked as he twirled her hair in his fingers, "Mamma, Ben and I were talking the other day and we thought it would be best for us all to call Will Dad. He is our father now and you and he are married. We could never call him Papa, but Dad or Daddy? Would that be alright?"

My heart was pounding, would Elizabeth allow this? And she did. She nodded and asked me for my opinion, "William, would that be alright with you?"

I responded that I would be honored for the children to call me Dad, or Daddy. I told her that I loved her children, that it would be my greatest honor.

She leaned down, smiled and kissed my cheek, "Thank you, thank you William. You make me so happy." I could see some sorrow behind that smile. But she was happy and said that it was because of me. However, I worried.

The evening went on so pleasantly. The boys and I snugged down on Rick's bed and read a story. Elizabeth sat near Rick, Richard, and again he played with a loose curl of her hair, twisting it in his fingers. Bethany was sleepy and cuddled in Elizabeth's arms. First Ben fell asleep, Rick was yawning. Elizabeth kissed Rick's cheek and suggested that we finish the story tomorrow. It was not fair to get to far ahead with Ben asleep. I eased out of the bed, careful to not wake up Ben and carried him to his bed tucking him in. Ben rolled onto his side and snuggled down. I helped Elizabeth to stand and stood by her side as she lay Bethany down in her crib, kissing her sweet head. I bent and kissed her too. Rick lay awake watching us. Elizabeth bent down and kissed him good night. She ran her hands through his hair and said, "You are so like your father." Rick answered, "I will never forget Papa." Elizabeth nodded, "Nor will I. You and I must keep his memory alive for Ben and Bethany." Rick nodded and frowned severely, "I will. I will never forget that I am Richard Fitzwilliam's son." Elizabeth kissed him again and I could see that tears were forming in her eyes. She backed away and went to give Ben and Bethany another pat. I bent down to kiss Rick goodnight and told him again how happy it made me that he wanted to call me Dad. Rick put his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek, "Good night Dad."

I took Elizabeth's hand and we walked out after extinguishing the candle and I heard Rick say "Good night Papa." I closed the door and felt Elizabeth shaking in the darkness. She was crying. I folded her in my arms and felt her warm body through her cloths. She nuzzled her face into my chest and rested there. I just ran my hands up and down her back, soothing her. Finally she whispered, "He's such a smart, brave little boy. This makes me so happy."

I took her chin in my hand and raised her eyes to mine. They were glowing, yet so sad. "What can I do to erase the sadness in your eyes?"

She shook her head, "There is nothing that will ever make my longing for Richard go away." She looked at me with such intensity, and she sputtered out her feelings, "William, I can not do this anymore. I feel guilty for my feelings for you yet I know that this is what Richard wanted for me. I am angry at him for knowing my heart so well, for being right. I sometimes wish that I could just wallow in my grief for him. Yet my heart and my body betray that part of me that will not let go of him. I can not move forward, and I can not stay here."

She was crying so hard, my shirt was wet with her tears. I was so confused as to what she was saying, what did she mean. She continued, "How can I be a proper wife to you when my heart is so possessed by him? How can I find myself wanting you when every moment I still long for him? I find myself so conflicted. But my brave, brave little Rick moved us forward tonight, did he not?"

I agreed, yet I could feel the tension in her body, in her voice and words. Was she ready for us to move forward as husband and wife? Was I reading her wrong? Was I just hoping? She whispered, "It seems that we have reached a cross roads." I think my heart stopped for a moment. I felt a lump in my throat as I risked all and asked, "Is this the sigh that you have been waiting for?" She nodded, "Do you wish for me to be a husband to you?"

She started to cry again and nodded, "Yes, but don't be angry at me if you find that in this act of love that I am still grieving for Richard." I wrapped my arms around her and whispered, "Do not be surprised if you find me grieving for Richard."

I walked with her hand in mine towards her room and as we entered she pulled away, "No, no not here. This is where I was with Richard. Take me to your bed, please." I swept her up in my arms and carried her to my room. I was so frightened. She clung to my neck and kissed me there. I have been kissed by Elizabeth before. I have kissed her but not like this. Her kiss seemed hungry. My neck burned. Her hands ran under my shirt and burned my skin with her touch. I set her down by the side of my bed. I have always admired Elizabeth's style of dress but never more than that moment. She wears these home dresses that wrapped around her and fastened with a simple tie. She handed me the end of the ribbon and I pulled. The gown opened and fell from her body. The chemise was light and tied in the same manner. I pulled off my shirt and started to say something. Her fingers touched my lips and she shook her head, "Do not speak, please? I will fall apart." I watched as she turned to the bed and pulled the covers back. I watched as she untied the chemise and let it fall. Her actions seemed deliberate and purposeful, almost mechanical. Elizabeth turned and sat on my bed and slid her fingers under her stockings and pushed them down her legs. She lay back on my bed and watched me. Elizabeth was naked in my bed, the candlelight made her body glow golden and warm. Even after three children, she was so thin, lovely. Her breasts fell to the side of her chest. They were small, firm and lush, the nipples hard and aroused. Her belly was flat and hard and she ran her hands down her body, arching her back as she exhaled. Her eyes were upon me, her face without a smile. Was I moving to fast or to slow? No, her arms reached out for my body. I lay next to her running my hands along the edge of her face while I pulled the covers over us.

Elizabeth moved over to make room for me and than to my utter surprise she climbed on top of me. She took my head in her hands and kissed me hard and long. I could barely breath. She pressed her body against mine, running her hands through my hair and down my body. Elizabeth's mouth traveled to my chin, my neck, my clavicals and over my heart. I could feel her teeth on my skin. She bit and teased my nipples running her tongue down my body and dipping it into my navel.

No woman that I had ever been with had been like this. They had just lay there and spread their legs. Elizabeth was so different. My hands ran along Elizabeth's body and I was startled by the silkiness of her skin, so soft and smooth. Yet her body was hard, bones and muscle. I was about to say something and only uttered the first syllable when her lips met mine, hard and demanding. She said, "I said not to speak." She took my hand and raised it above my head, pinning it down as she straddled my body. I watched as her other hand touched her core, her fingers spreading her labia and dipping in. I watched her sigh and close her eyes in pleasure. My erection was throbbing and hard. She pressed her core against it. Her fingers were glistening with fluid and she took them to my mouth. I had no idea what she wanted but she touched my lips with them and I opened my mouth and sucked on her fingers. They tasted of musky honey and of Elizabeth. It was so erotic. Her hand took my erection and positioned it so. She sank down upon me and her body shuddered. I was inside of her, inside of Elizabeth. She had my one hand pinned down, so I reached for her but she took it and pinned them both down by the sides of my head. She rode me, she bent to kiss my mouth, my neck and ear as she rode me. I groaned and moaned as she went. I longed to hold her, but somehow she was the aggressor. Elizabeth was wild and not the lover that I expected. She was hungry. I had thought that making love with her would have been more like what I was used to. But no, this was completely different. Just when I thought I was at my edge, she would stop and cuddle me, nuzzling me. I could feel her vagina throb and her body shudder. She released my arms and I ran my hands along her. I was going to roll her over to a position I was more comfortable with but she shook her head no. She sat upon me with my erection deep within her body and reached down. I could feel her fingers on the base of my erection. She was touching herself. She guided my hand to her core and positioned my thumb over her core. Her fingers guided mine until she shuddered. She started to ride me again. She pulled my body up to a sitting position and wrapped her entire body, arms and legs around me as she rode. I in turn wrapped my arms around her and countered her movements. I drew her mouth to mine. We kissed hard and long. I came deep within her. There was no withdraw and Elizabeth did not seem to want it. Never before had I come within a woman's body. She continued to kiss me and rested her head on my shoulder as her hands ran up and down my back. I could feel moisture running down my arm, my side. Elizabeth was crying. I lay her down on the bed and pulled the pillow under her head, pulling the covers over her and kissed her tears away. She whispered, "I miss him so much." I nodded and said that I knew and that I missed him too. She pushed me over and cuddled into my chest using my body as a pillow. I held her in my arms until I felt her fall into sleep.

She had asked that I not be angry with her if I found that in this act of love that she still grieved for Richard. She did in deed grieve. But she had also called this an act of love. I felt so blessed, so honored to have finally made love to her. I felt her warm body in my arms and started to weep for joy, for grief, for thanks. Richard had given her to me to love, to protect, to cherish. And I was just beginning to understand what a treasure she was. Never before had I experienced love like this. I ran my fingers down her arm and felt her shudder. I had visited a house in London where beautiful women would lay down for me to fuck. But never had I made love, never did I feel a woman's hunger. Elizabeth was hungry for me. I had just glimpsed the inner passions of my cousin's marriage. Richard was indeed a very lucky man. And now it seemed I was the lucky man. But my heart throbbed for my luck was at the expense of loosing Richard. My joy was at Elizabeth's expense, her loss of the man who had captured her heart and sole. But here she was in my arms, and I felt so blessed. She glowed. The afterglow, I now understood.

She stirred and breathed deeply. She rolled over and snuggled her body into a spoon and I felt her pull my arm against her breast. She sighed and spoke. She spoke my name, not Richard's and I started to weep. Eventually I fell asleep and when I woke we were in the same position, curled into a spoon. My arm was asleep, her head resting upon my bicep. I woke and pulled her sweet smelling hair to my face and breathed. Elizabeth was here in my arms, naked and mine. I pulled my arm out and watched her stir. She rolled over and her eyes opened. Warm, glowing eyes, Elizabeth's eyes were looking at me across a pillow. She smiled at me and I wished her a good morning. She smiled deeper, traced the planes of my faced with her fingertips and said one word, "More." We made love again. I noticed her breasts were firmer. As I kissed them milk flowed and I drank from her body, such intimacy. She held her breast for me as I suckled, my erection deep within her. Again I came within her. When we finished she laughed, "Bethany will need me." She slipped from the bed pulling her chemise over her body. She left the room. I pulled on my robe and followed her. She went into her room and I heard her chuckle. The boys were cuddled together in her bed. She picked up her robe and ran to the nursery. There was Bethany sitting alone in her crib waiting for her mother. Elizabeth picked her up and immediately Bethany rooted to her breast. I watched as Elizabeth sighed as the baby started to nurse. I sat on the floor at her feet and rested my head against her knee as she nursed, watching her. She said, "Richard used to do exactly as you are doing now. He loved to watch me nurse our babies." Her eyes started to mist. Her lips were pressed tightly together. She started to weep. Bethany's little hand reached and touched her mother's cheek. Poor Bethany, how accustomed she has become to a weeping mother, she has learned to comfort Elizabeth. Elizabeth moved Bethany to her other breast. The little girl moved her hand to her mother's breast. Elizabeth pulled a lock of her hair forward for her daughter to finger. The intimacy of the act moved me. How I love Elizabeth.

There was a tap at the door. It was Truit and Jenny. Truit raised his eyebrow when he saw me. I acknowledged him. He asked, "Will I find the young men in your bed?" Elizabeth nodded, blushing. Jenny came and asked, "Will you need me to take Miss Bethany?" Elizabeth responded, "Yes," and after kissing Bethany let Jenny take her. She took my hand and we departed. As we walked threw her rooms I could hear Truit rouse the boys. Rick asked Elizabeth, "Mamma, where were you last night?" Elizabeth answered for the sake of the boys and for Truit, "I was sleeping with your Daddy. Next time you look for me, perhaps you should tap on Daddy's door instead." Truit shot a look at me that I know not how to read.

Ben toddled up to her and she lifted him into her arms, kissing him, reassuring him. He nuzzled her closely and sucked his thumb. She sat and rocked her little boy, kissing his head and than reminding him, "I am always here for you, beloved." Ben nuzzled even closer. Truit called to him and he tottered off. Elizabeth came and took my hand, "You have taken on so much William. With three children, I am not the simple maid that you deserved."

"No simple maid would have been you. And I love you more because of the sweet tender mother you are. Never will I be jealous of the love you shower on our children."

Her eyes met mine as she asked, "Our children?"

I pulled her to me and gasped, "Yes, our children. Richard's children are our children. And if we are blessed, more, all our children."

She rested her head on mine, "I hope so."

She hoped to have my children and I was taken aback. I leaned on the wall and pulled her to my body, "Do you really wish to have my children? I should have withdrawn last night. I should have asked for your permission."

She gazed at me, tasking me as only Elizabeth could do. "Withdrawn, what is it you are saying? Permission, did I not ask for us to make love? I would not have taken pleasure in your body unless I was willing to rejoice in the outcome. I relished the feeling of your seed rushing threw my body. The thought that such passion and love is what creates a child thrills me." She paused and seemed to close her heart to me. "I did not know what an enormous step making love to you would be. I could not stop myself from feeling Richard's loss. Please do not blame me. It has been so long since I have felt his touch. Your touch does not replace it, but it does ease the loss, comforts me in ways I cannot describe. Please, if you are disappointed in me, do not let me know."

I took her hand and guided her back to my room. I pushed her body against the door and started to kiss her, uttering I was not, nor would I ever be disappointed in her. I gasped as I breathed her name into her hair. We made love again. It was hungry and wild. Somewhere in the midst of our passion I heard her cry my name and that she loved me. We lay side by side in the aftermath and I repeated her phrase from the previous night, "It seems that we have reached a cross roads."

"Indeed. And now we travel a new path together." We rose with regret and went to our separate baths to ready for the day. I met her again at the breakfast table. Rick and Ben were already sitting there with their dutiful nursemaid, Truit. Elizabeth entered the breakfast room as she always did, with Bethany in her arms. It was just like any other morning except now I was her husband in the truest sense of the word. We parted company after breakfast, she to her duties as mistress of Pemberley and mother of Richard's, my, children and me to my duties as master. I hid away in my study reviewing correspondences and business matters with little attention and than I fell to my journal to write this narrative of the events.

Elizabeth is now my wife and I have never felt happier. I think I will ask her to consider September 9th to be our wedding anniversary for the rest of our years. I had wanted a ceremony yet I think what we shared last night was it.

September 12th. Pemberley.

It may take me years to understand my wife's heart, Elizabeth's heart. She is everything. We had been lovers for only three days now. It was late at night. There was a windstorm.

I lay in her arms feeling her fingers tracing the sides of my body. She was glistening with the sweat of our lovemaking. I was still quaking. I lay at her side looking upon her, taking up a lock of hair and twisting it in my fingers. I felt so in love. I felt so loved. And in the next moments I would go from feeling loved to despair to this sensation that I have now, indescribable.

I asked her why she asks that I not speak during our lovemaking. She got a very far away look in her eyes and asked that I not wish to know the answer to my question. I pressed. She told me that she feared that my response would make me hate her. I became insistent, pulling away from her until I noticed that tears had formed in the corners of her eyes.

"Why, Elizabeth, why do you not want me to speak?"

"Because your voice is so different from Richard's. If you are quiet and I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine him. But my eyes, my fingers and lips betray me. Your skin is so soft, so beautiful. Your body is not decimated as his was. My fingers remind me with each touch that you are not Richard."

I thought I might vomit. I moved away from her as though she were poison, for she was. Her words were killing me.

"I am so conflicted. And your reaction of disgust only reaffirms that I should have kept silent. Forgive me."

I could not help but attack, "Since we began you have been the instigator, you have come to me willingly. Do you come to me or do you pretend that I am Richard?"

"Of course I come to you, you are my husband and with you I seek pleasure. However, I am also Richard's widow. Do you think for one moment that I will ever or could ever forget Richard and what we shared? Making love to you does not erase his memory. In some ways it enhances it."

"You do not make love to me, you make love to your dead husband."

And with that I heard a gasp. Elizabeth leapt from our bed, she was standing before me, naked, breathing heavy with burning eyes. "No, no, I do not. I knew I would disappoint you. I am so sorry. I thought that since you loved him, that you might understand." She started to move towards the door.

I grabbed her arms and pushed her back on the bed, "What is it that I do not understand, tell me for it seems I am ignorant as to why my love for Richard should matter."

She was crying as I pinned her arms to the bed, "It does, it does matter. It is why I am so conflicted. My body with which I gave with utter abandon and love to Richard betrays me in its want for you. My fingers rejoice in the feel of your body yet grieve the loss of Richard's, his scars, his bones. My heart, oh God, my heart which I gave completely to Richard, that I thought had died with him aches with love for you. And God help me, my soul that upon my death I hope to be reunited with Richard, my soul may wish to stay with you. I cannot allow myself to forget. I cannot stop myself from wanting you, from loving you. William, please, I cannot forget him. I am afraid that the love I have with you will wash away my memories. The only way I can rationalize this is because I know that you loved him."

I pulled away from her, dizzy from her words. She scrambled up to kneel upon the bed. Her hands touched my shoulder to turn me to her. I would not look at her. "I am the most confused, conflicted, torn woman in all of England. I was loved utterly and completely by the very best of men. And he made me promise to love you, to give myself up to you and your love. I hated him for that. I hated that he thought that I could ever betray his love. But he told me, he told me that I would not betray him by loving you. He promised me that he would be here, in my heart always. He told me to trust you. I have fought it, I have fought against my body's desires, my hearts yearnings yet I can no longer do so."

She turned my face to look at her, "Oh God, what have I done to you? I am so sorry William. I told you that you did not want an answer to your question. I should not have been so weak as to open up my heart to you."

I just sat there stunned. I heard her tell me that she loved me, fought against loving me. Richard wanted us to love one another, cherish one another. I could feel him with us, telling me to trust in her love.

She whispered just as I thought it, "Richard is a part of me. I will never stop loving him. You say that you love me, so you must love the part of me that is Richard. He is here with us. Because you loved Richard, I ask you to love the part of him that remains. Let him be at peace in my heart." She was crying, pulling away, "Please William, free me from guilt of loving you and let my love for Richard beat within my heart."

I lifted my eyes to look into hers. There I could see it, she loved me. And she was and always will be in love with Richard. What she said was true, Richard was right there, not between us but with us. "A few days before Richard died he said to me that by dying he was giving me his most precious possession, you. And he said that it was up to you to give me the treasure that lay within you, your heart. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would take time but somehow I did not think it would be so hard for me."

Elizabeth smiled, "Of course not."

"What do you mean by that?" Elizabeth slide under the covers, motioned for me to slide in beside her. "Arguing naked in the cold is silly. Cuddling and having a deep conversation regarding matters of our hearts makes much more sense, come, cuddle with me?" I got back under the covers and felt her tucking them around us, her body easing into my arms. I asked again, "What do you mean?"

"First, will you forgive me for hurting you once again?"

"You did not hurt me, my misunderstanding and lack of faith in you hurt me."

"You see, this is not easy. Tell me, why do you think that this should be easy?"

I did not know.

"A marriage is a lot of work. Richard and I struggled at first to trust in our love for each other. It took work. We shared everything, every feeling, every secret. We learned to not worry about hurting the other or about embarrassment, opinions. I knew that he loved me and thought that I was perfect, even when I was not. You and I need to work on opening our hearts to one another. I fear speaking to you of things. I fear hurting you or being hurt by your opinions on what I hold dear. I sense the same in you. This marriage is going to take an enormous amount of hard work on both our parts."

I lay there stunned, finally speaking, "I thought that if I loved you that everything else would just fall into place."

"Loving me is not enough. We must trust. Do you trust me to love you knowing that Richard will always be in my heart?"

"I have wanted you for so long. I have waited for you for so long. I think just want all of you."

"You have all of me. It is just a bit complicated. Richard is a part of me. The children are part of me. I am no longer just Elizabeth. I felt altered and changed by Richard ever since, I think ever since I told him that I loved him. Please accept that Richard is forever a part of me. Love me knowing that he is with in me."

I confessed, "I do love you, I fell even more in love with you when I saw and understood the depth of your love for Richard. I think that I just feel jealous, like your love for me is not the same, not as deep."

"Of course it is not the same. It would be weird and wrong to love two different men the same. Would it not?"

I agreed that it was not the same.

"Richard and I shared so much together. Our love grew very deep through all of those experiences. Richard's illness and death was just one of those experiences. You were there with us. My love and respect for you grew deeply through all of that. I would confess my growing understanding and admiration for you to Richard. He didn't mind. I did not understand his plans for us at the time. He was thankful that you and I were growing closer. I think it gave him peace. So you see, we have a head start, our love is already very deep and will continue to evolve. Comparing depth will be silly."

Again I agreed, "When did you start to fall in love with me?"

"Oh dear, this is embarrassing. I first fell in love with you at the assembly in Meryton, what seems like a lifetime ago."

I felt a lump in my throat and gasped, "What?"

"Silly. It is true. I fell in love when I first looked at you. I was curious about you. But it was not meant to be. I knew I wasn't good enough for you. So I let myself believe that you looked at me with distain. I let myself feel judged and unworthy. I never understood you. I didn't even make the effort to understand, I think because I was afraid. And I let that horrid man tell me lies about you; worst I let myself believe them. My sister was deeply hurt by the pain on loosing Charles. I let my anger and pride blind me to the man that you were, that you are. When you proposed to me in Kent I was shocked. I really believed that you did not like me, that you disapproved of me. I did not know what you were about. I did not mean to hurt you like I did."

"Had you already fallen in love with Richard?"

"I guess I had. It was all so new. I knew the feeling of utter joy and contentment whenever he looked at me and God forbid if he touched me. I did not think myself one to believe in love at first site. But I am. I fell in love with Richard the first moment I laid my eyes on him. It just grew from there."

I was frightened and hesitant to ask but I did, I trusted her, "You earlier said you fell in love with me when you first looked at me in Meryton. What was different? Why did your love grow with Richard and not with me?"

"Oh, William. You ask such complex questions. Looking back, I think I thought love should be easy. Loving Richard was easy. With one look I felt and understood what it is to love and to be loved. He had an open generous heart and I dove right in. It was so comfortable, so content. There was no going back. My heart was gone. I felt like I was created for the sole purpose of loving him. There were things that we not easy, Richard's constant obsessive worry over my future, and my obsessive worry over his health. Those were the sources of our arguments. He was so strong, so very strong. I never believed he would be taken from me until I conceived Bethany. He knew. He knew for some time. I knew since the beginning but knowing and believing are two very separate things."

She curled in my arms and was quiet for some time. I just ran my fingers through her hair. She whispered, "It comforts me, you know. Why people that I love play with my hair? Richard did it, all my children do it, and now you are twirling my hair in your fingers."

I laughed, "And I always thought it gave comfort to them."

We were quiet again for some time. I asked, "What prevented your love for me from growing?"

She looked in my eyes and sighed, "What makes you think that it has not been growing all along? I do not mean for you to doubt my love for Richard. My love for Richard was pure and unquestionable in the faithfulness of my heart. I never loved you in the sense that I do now. But I have always had feelings for you, as Richard's friend, my friend. My respect and admiration for you grew and grew. I saw into your tightly locked up heart and only felt more. That night in the library at Matlock I learned how much I had hurt you. That night you rescued me from Andrew I learned that you were brave and fearless in your protection of those you love. I saw a man who did not know how to play and watched you sit down and build block towers with my baby. I saw how happy you were for Richard, how you cared for him, loved him. You tasked him and made him fight for more time. And then in the end you were there. You have always been there for me. Richard gave me a bracelet with that word engraved in it. He told me not to be afraid for you would always be there for me. You have always been there. Always." She was crying again, "How, how on earth did I, a silly, foolish girl be so blessed be loved by two such honorable men?"

I let her words wash over me. I turned to her and kissed her tears, kissed her lips and looked into her eyes.

"When Richard asked me to marry you he told me that you were in love with me, that you had always been in love with me all these years. He told me that I was the reason you never married. I knew that you loved me. But that you were sacrificing so much for me, that I did not understand."

"You were not meant to know. I just wanted to be near you. Richard somehow could always weasel it out of me. I had to be honest with him. There was something about him that made me open up, tell him things. I could trust him not to judge me."

"Richard is here within me. You can open up to me, give me the power that Richard had over you and trust me. Love me as you loved Richard."

I had to laugh and I ran my hand down her body, "No, Elizabeth, no. I will never love you as I loved Richard. He was my brother and my feelings for you are very far from brotherly."

She laughed at my silliness. "You know what I am asking. Trust me. Let me in."

"It is hard. I need your forgiveness for so much. Forgive me, please Elizabeth, forgive me."

"What on earth are you asking forgiveness for?"

I blurted out, "Every time I have hurt you. For my abominable treatment of you all those years ago, for my horrid proposal, for not understanding, not trusting, being selfish. I did not truly love you until after you married Richard. Before that, before you rejected my proposal I admired and loved you but did not respect you. What was it I said, that I loved you despite your connections, you lack of …"

Elizabeth held her fingers to her lips. "Please, I was horrible to you and you say you were abominable to me. We have grown so much since then. It was years ago and ever since there has been nothing but friendship, love, trust and respect between us. You saved me and my children from a horrible fate. You sacrificed your happiness for me. All those years of being alone are over. Let me make it up to you, please William. I will do anything for you. Let me love you. Let me into your heart."

"Why do you think you are not already in my heart?"

She smiled and traced her fingers down my face, "Why do you doubt my love?"

The look she gave me pulled it out of me, "I can't let go of the doubt. I was told and have believed all my life that I am not someone who is deserving of love. I am not lovable."

"What utter nonsense. You are very lovable."

"Only because of the lessons you have taught me. If you had not rejected my proposal all those years ago I would never be capable of loving you as I do now. You say you did not see the man I was. You made me the man that I am. You have made me a better man."

She shushed me and kissed me, telling me I was silly and lovable and the very best of men. She was showering me with kisses and muttering adoration. I felt, this may sound silly, worshipped by her body. She was loving me. She was making love to me.

But no such luck. There was a knock on the door. It was Rick. I still have a difficult time thinking of Rick as Richard. I can say it but not write it. Elizabeth grabbed her night gown and pulled it over her head, handing me my night shirt. She called out, "come in darling." Rick came in holding Bethany's hand. Ben was right behind them, and of course Tink. Elizabeth smiled and held her arms out to them, "Is it the wind?" They nodded as they ran to her. The three little children snuggled down between us. Both Ben and Bethany took strands of Elizabeth's hair and started to twirl it in their fingers. I could hear the wind howling outside. Rick said, "Papa always told us ghost live in the wind. Is it Papa's ghost in the wind?" Elizabeth kisses his cheek, "No, Papa is not a ghost. Ghosts are unsettled souls and Papa is at peace. His soul continues on in all of us. He is right here with us."

"Really, is he really here Dad?"

"Yes, he really is here." I felt so comfortable, complete. This was the first time that the children came to sleep with us. It felt like family. Rick, Ben and Bethany lay between us. Bethany snuggled into Elizabeth. Elizabeth opened her gown for Bethany to nurse. Ben had his bunny with him. I could hear Tink settle on the floor. I watched over the children as they fell back asleep. Elizabeth's eyes were closed and her breathing pattern changed. The dog was softly snoring. I lay there in my big bed that I have slept in alone for so many years. I am not alone any more. I have a wife and three children, a stuffed bunny and a dog in my bed. I felt lovable. Is that not silly? It made me so happy that I started to cry. I sacrificed nothing. Elizabeth was my happiness.

March 30th . Pemberley

It's been quite some time since I've written. Looking at my last entry I understand why. I have been rather busy. I am never alone to write. I am never lonely. My life is filled with three adorable children and a rather amorous wife. The places she has taken me. Dear God, I am never lonely.

Elizabeth never ceases to amaze and astound me. She seemed despondent today. Something was upsetting her and as I am growing more and more attuned to her moods I could not ignore it. She did not respond to my affection this morning. She hid from my gaze. She seemed slightly cranky. At breakfast she picked at her food. She did not want to help me with my letters this morning. She did not want to go for a walk even though the day was bright. She was cranky.

So I came to her in her study and asked her as politely as I could. "Dear Elizabeth, I can not help but notice that you are unsettled today. You seem upset. Please tell me what is causing you sorrow so that I may comfort you." Her response brought me utter joy. She started to cry.

"William, I am failing you, I am so sorry. I started my courses last night. I have not yet conceived. We have been lovers now for six months and I have not yet conceived a baby."

I tried to assure her, sooth her but she only started crying more. "I want to give you a baby. I want you to have a child of your own."

I assured her that we have time, that we were still young. She had given me children. Besides Pemberley would go to Georgiana's son. "No, no William. I should give you children."

"You give me your love and friendship. I only ever asked that I could be your friend and you have given me so much more. You gave me your heart."

"No. No it is not enough."

I was offended. I misunderstood her as I have done so many times. Like she has said, a marriage takes trust and work. I did not express my trust in her. I dread to think of the tone of my voice when I said, "I do not want your payment." Why I ever assumed she meant to repay me I will never know?"

She swirled around at me, "A baby would never be payment. A baby would be a testament to my love for you. I want a baby by you."

I asked her to tell me again, "Why do you want a baby by me?"

"Because I love you. I want to feel your child growing inside of me. I want to feel our love growing inside of me. I am not making sense. Having your baby would make me so happy. I think that you would be so happy to hold what was created by our love in your arms."

I listened to those words and felt the final walls inside my heart come tumbling down. She wanted my baby. She wanted me. Loving Elizabeth is something so strange. Just when I think, now I really love her or now I know what love is, she redefines it at a depth that I previously have never contemplated or known. I pulled her to me and kissed her hair, wrapped my arms around her and held her close. She pushed away and looked into my eyes, "This next month we must make love as often as possible. Will that be all right with you?" She was seriously asking me this. I started to laugh. "Yes Elizabeth, yes. Making love to you as often as possible is perfectly fine with me."

Needless to say, I doubt I will ever have time to write in this journal again. So I say good by to these pages. I hope to never need them again.


	19. Chapter 19

September 9th, 1836. Pemberley.

I came across my old journal as I was looking for some documents and re-read them. My God, what a journey I been on. I last wrote twenty-five years ago. Richard Fitzwilliam is twenty-nine. His grandfather died eight years ago. My son, Richard's son, is the Earl of Matlock, Lord Richard Fitzwilliam. He has married a woman who is much like his mother and will soon be a father. It startles me how much he looks and acts like his father.

Ben is twenty-seven and resides at Firelake. He has over thirty horses there, many the descendents of Blaze and my old friend Ageus. He fell in love with and married the daughter of my old valet, Victor. They were always such great friends growing up. When he returned from college where he studied veterinary medicine he took over Firelake and the next thing we knew, he and Meredith had run off to Scotland to be married. They got right down to business and have three children, another on its way. There love affair surprised me, but Elizabeth said she always saw it coming.

Bethany married a man named after Richard, Richard Fitzwilliam Welsh. His father was a friend of Richard's. Bethany's husband was ten when Richard died and actually has memories of him. His father brought him to the Sandhurst house often and both attended the funeral. The two lovers came together when Bethany was visiting Georgiana in London. Young Welsh was under the mentorship of Spillane. Bethany grew up to be so very beautiful. But her physical beauty is nothing to her grace and sweetness. This young Richard is a very lucky man to have such a treasure, something I remind him of every time I see him.

Georgiana and Spillane do have a wing at Pemberley that they stay in quite often. Spillane never resigned from his position and is now a General. He has worked at the war college like Richard did and later in the government. The estate in Kent he has expanded and they stay there often. For Georgiana's firstborn son is not my heir. She had three children, Helena, Richard and Joseph. Two boys and a girl just like Richard and Elizabeth and just like me.

Elizabeth gave me children. It took us four years to conceive. I remember how pressured and sorrowful Elizabeth became. I figured it was my fault. Perhaps I was sterile for she had been so fertile with Richard. She nursed Bethany until the little girl was about two and half. So that may have been some of it. Elizabeth remained unnaturally thin for a long time. So that may have been another reason. But one morning Elizabeth was ill. She never got sick so I was very worried but she just started laughing, until she threw up again. She was ill for six weeks, getting thinner the whole time. I was panicking. That stopped and about two months later she put my hand on her belly and I noticed the swell, the fullness of her breasts, the roundness of her cheeks. Her eyes were sparkling, and the smile on her face was one with lips pressed together and dimples just for me. Elizabeth gave me a son and she insisted that the name be William, William Richard Darcy. He is now twenty-two years old and has just gone off on a tour of Europe. He went to Cambridge as I did. He looks just like me but his personality is more like his mothers. I remember that day he was born like it was yesterday. I fell completely in love. Yes, I love all my children, Richard's children and mine equally. But it is different to hold the expression of the love I have with my wife in my arms.

Two years later Elizabeth conceived again. This time the pregnancy was very hard on her. She was thirty-one at the time so at first I thought it might be age. She was very ill for the whole of the first three months. She had moments when she feared miscarriage. Her feet swelled, she was so tired. All of her other pregnancies had been easy in comparison, even Bethany's. She had energy to spare. But this time she did not. However, my Elizabeth was creative and found ways to make sure that all of the children knew her love and care. I was terrified that I would loose her. I refused to make love to her as we did when she was pregnant with William. She really felt so poorly that she did not mind, at least not too much. As the pregnancy continued she never gained weight but her belly was so large. She went into labor earlier then she calculated. There was a great rush to get the midwife and doctor. The reason for her difficult pregnancy was reveled. Elizabeth gave me twins, a boy that we named Thomas Edward and a little girl that we named Helena Jane. All of our children have their father's eyes. Richard, Ben and Bethany have Richard's and William, Tom and Helena have mine.

It took Elizabeth almost six months to feel back to her old self. Our love life returned. Elizabeth's figure returned though she says it did not. She has always been so slight and thin. Now when I look at her she still has a light and pleasing figure when she dances. And she still blushes when she catches me looking at her in that particular way. Her hair is streaked with silver but her pretty face is still so young. She is fifty now and still the prettiest woman I have ever seen. I am fifty-seven. The children have kept me busy and young. I go riding almost every day. Tom is at home now, to return to college in the fall. Helena is making me insane. She is breathtakingly beautiful yet so impertinent and persnickety. She is smart, smarter then is good for her. She has demanded that she be allowed to go to college, the first true college in England that allows women to be admitted. She frightens me sometimes.

Elizabeth and I have been happy. Yes there have been some difficult times, the years that she feared she would never conceive and the entirety of her pregnancy with the twins was very trying. I have trusted her, trusted in her love. Like she promised, she has taken me places that I never imagined possible. I know that she has never once, not for one moment, forgotten Richard. I know that she has never stopped loving him in any way. Yet she loves me. I have never been alone or doubted. Sharing her heart with Richard's memories became much easier than I thought possible. Perhaps because I loved Richard too.

Our extended family is huge. Charles Bingley and Jane are often here at Pemberley. They have four children, all great friends of my children. Alicia and Davidson have four also. We gather at Pemberley or Matlock frequently. My Aunt and Uncle were never far, such wonderful grandparents to my children. They were so happy for me when William finally came. Mr. Bennet is ancient and lives with us now. I should actually say he lives in my library. Mrs. Bennet died some years ago. Mary and Kitty married very respectable men and still live near Meryton. Lydia married a sea captain and we rarely hear from her.

I was counting the people that I now call family. At one time it was just Georgiana, my cousins and Aunt and Uncle, just seven of us. Now I have six children, three grandchildren, two more on their way, five sisters by marriage and five brothers by marriage, twenty nieces and nephews, plus a grandmother and grandfather for my children and the most beautiful loving wife one could imagine.

She has just tapped on the door to my study and poked her head in. I see her curiosity. She is now sitting in my lap kissing my neck, my ear; my handwriting is getting really quite sloppy.


End file.
